Moving past parents wrongs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads about conflict between parents and their adult children. Many posters write that their own parents made mistakes, but they have been able to overlook them or move past them. Parents are only human, after all.

My question is this: what kinds of mistakes are people just moving past, or writing off as not a big deal? Does anyone have any examples? For example, my mom had a very hard time maintaining relationships with our extended family. She's just a generally unpleasant and self-important person. I don't think I could ever forgive her for the numerous family estrangements that she caused. Are other people forgiving these kinds of things, or is it more minor (ie my mom didn't let me sign up for after-school activities)?

This is exactly the kind of thing where I would be thinking she did the best she could with what she had to work with. I don’t think people want to live lives where they are seen as disagreeable and estranged from family if they can help it. That strikes me as something that your mother did not have the ability to change. I also notice that your response to your mother causing estrangements is to declare you will never forgive her. I mean, do you see the irony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adults today want an apology from their parents.

Their parents want a "thank you."

Team Parents.

I will never thank my parents for beating me with a belt and my dad for leaving me to walk home one town over because he didn’t like something I said in the car. I was 10.

You sure about “Team Parents” all the time? You sure about that?

I guess you’re on the side of my childhood friend’s dad, who molested her and her younger sister. Wow. Team Parents, eh? Wow.

This is an extreme example. Many children are estranged for much less serious issues.

I doubt that. Most if not all are extreme like this. The parents don’t listen and wont acknowledge.

You haven't been paying attention, I guess. Estrangement is all the rage, it's being urged on social media, and yeah, there's something about the GenZ cohort where many are going "no contact" with parents for things a LOT less than the abuse pp describes, and then proudly seeking validation for it in social media circles. It's a weird phenomenon.

My guess is there's a spectrum. On the one extreme there are valid cases in response to actual abuse and neglect. On the other, there are less articulate reasons that have nothing to do with actual misconduct by the parents, rather perceived injustices by the (adult) child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads about conflict between parents and their adult children. Many posters write that their own parents made mistakes, but they have been able to overlook them or move past them. Parents are only human, after all.

My question is this: what kinds of mistakes are people just moving past, or writing off as not a big deal? Does anyone have any examples? For example, my mom had a very hard time maintaining relationships with our extended family. She's just a generally unpleasant and self-important person. I don't think I could ever forgive her for the numerous family estrangements that she caused. Are other people forgiving these kinds of things, or is it more minor (ie my mom didn't let me sign up for after-school activities)?

My mom had a lot of family estrangements. She's also never been able to maintain a friendship, with most friends lasting just a couple of years before she explodes in drama and anger about something they did or some perceived slight. I've been subject to those same explosions and accusations, including 100% made up stuff that never happened. I think she has delusions. I've concluded that this is her issue, not mine. I have lots of friends and healthy relationships.

I'm not distancing myself from my mom because of stuff she did decades ago, but because I can't manage to have a normal relationship with her now. My view is informed by the past, but if she was medicated or sought therapy and was more stable, I would drop some boundaries. But I can't live life with drama hanging over my head at all times.

I'm really sorry and feel for you.

They do damage the ability to be able to have healthy relationships because you start every one with an open heart and then when the first moment of distrust drops, you have the instant instinct to flee or reject the friendship.

And then on the flip side, with romantic relationships, you have it ingrained in you to accept that they're all abusive or whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads about conflict between parents and their adult children. Many posters write that their own parents made mistakes, but they have been able to overlook them or move past them. Parents are only human, after all.

My question is this: what kinds of mistakes are people just moving past, or writing off as not a big deal? Does anyone have any examples? For example, my mom had a very hard time maintaining relationships with our extended family. She's just a generally unpleasant and self-important person. I don't think I could ever forgive her for the numerous family estrangements that she caused. Are other people forgiving these kinds of things, or is it more minor (ie my mom didn't let me sign up for after-school activities)?

This is exactly the kind of thing where I would be thinking she did the best she could with what she had to work with. I don’t think people want to live lives where they are seen as disagreeable and estranged from family if they can help it. That strikes me as something that your mother did not have the ability to change. I also notice that your response to your mother causing estrangements is to declare you will never forgive her. I mean, do you see the irony?

Oh I think it's an absolutely horrible way to live, agreed. I keep her at arms length but I am not estranged from her. I do think she can help it though- she tells the tales over and over again about how it's everyone's fault but her own. She needs therapy but refuses. I don't believe people (including her) can't take accountability and improve their lives and relationships. I don't see people as helpless.

Maybe I am obtuse but no, I don't see the irony.

[Anonymous]

OP, everyone has 2 chances to have a happy family: the one you are born into & the one you create fro yourself.

Move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adults today want an apology from their parents.

Their parents want a "thank you."

Team Parents.

I don't want an apology. I just want my parents to treat me in a reasonable fashion now, as an adult. I'm willing to let the past go, but I can't maintain a relationship where they continuously spew green slime at me.

I agree. I don't want an apology either. I thought my childhood was normal. Once I was a teen and a young adult I realized there were abnormalities (never acknowledged, of course). Finally, once I became a parent myself, it all became unbearable. Pompous, arrogant, control freaks, constantly trying to stick their nose, nasty, critical, self-absorbed. Literally never figured out that I grew up and am an adult now, who cannot just be forced to do what they want. And the fact that I have my own family and children now went completely over their head. As a PP said, it's like we're their accessories. The final nail in the coffin was observing what s*tty grandparents they make. Honestly, if they'd died when I was a young adult or before that, I'd probably have some good memories of them... now it's all gone out of the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adults today want an apology from their parents.

Their parents want a "thank you."

Team Parents.

I will never thank my parents for beating me with a belt and my dad for leaving me to walk home one town over because he didn’t like something I said in the car. I was 10.

You sure about “Team Parents” all the time? You sure about that?

I guess you’re on the side of my childhood friend’s dad, who molested her and her younger sister. Wow. Team Parents, eh? Wow.

Boomers are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, everyone has 2 chances to have a happy family: the one you are born into & the one you create fro yourself.

Move on

How can people who arent estranged move on though? It's so unpleasant to keep her in my life but I'm the last person she has left. It's fair to vent about it anonymously online. Seems like many others can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adults today want an apology from their parents.

Their parents want a "thank you."

Team Parents.

I will never thank my parents for beating me with a belt and my dad for leaving me to walk home one town over because he didn’t like something I said in the car. I was 10.

You sure about “Team Parents” all the time? You sure about that?

I guess you’re on the side of my childhood friend’s dad, who molested her and her younger sister. Wow. Team Parents, eh? Wow.

Boomers are the worst.

So stupid

[Anonymous]

Boomers really are the worst, must be the consequences of the two world wars.

[Anonymous]

I have moved past it. My parents were emotionally neglectful. They loved us but didn’t have the emotional intelligence or emotional maturity themselves to manage their own emotions in healthy ways. My mother also has severe adhd which was never treated due to her age which caused lots of other issues. As an adult when you understand your parents own childhoods and you can understand why they are the way they are, there really isn’t much point in holding it against them. In my case I would say my parents were well intentioned but lacked the knowledge and skills (and didn’t seek them out). I am not emotionally close to them and don’t share feelings with them but I see them often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure the issues are serious. Most people can tolerate a lot, but abuse is very hard to deal with. I know maga causes estrangement, but that’s abusive in and of itself - to turn a blind eye to the abuse of our country and citizens.
It takes something major to cause estrangement, teamed with a failure to make amends or apologize for the wrong.

Troll Op and Troll sockpuppet

[Anonymous]

I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

This is the best thing I’ve ever read on DCUM, so thank you to whoever posted this! Very enlightening and helpful. Please know that your kindness helped me tremendously today. Wishing you all the happiness in the world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

I agree being able to talk about it and being validated is an important step but don’t agree that is the only difference. There are people who go to therapy or are in self-help groups for years and can’t get past it. I think it’s mostly your personality - some people find forgiveness or empathy easier, some people tend to ruminate, some have anxiety and one experience colors all others, some are more resilient than others, etc.