When you have more many than all your friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea stop inviting them to hotels?? I feel like this is only a first gen problem. You seem insufferable.

I often cover the hotel and food for some of my girlfriends with lesser means. We share a room. I get a bed and friend gets a bed. I have never done this with another mom and kids because it would be too many people in one room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are exhausting. You pick something cheaper.

This.
I wouldn’t invite them anywhere or to do anything that could potentially make them uncomfortable- it’s called manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are exhausting. You pick something cheaper.

For the new friend, eating out at a diner seems not doable. We saw a discount movie together once and it got uncomfortable when I bought my child popcorn and a drink.

Mom is always willing to go for a walk or go to the playground. She declines if it includes lunch or any kind of admission fee. Or she leaves early. I don’t want to make it awkward or weird.

Last summer, I took her to the beach and gave her one of the bedrooms. She insisted she buy us lunch. The bill was over $200 and I could tell she was uncomfortable with the bill. I should have just picked up the bill but she made a big deal on how she wanted to buy us lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to a good portion of this OP. My best advice is to keep doing you. Don’t bend and morph into what anyone else expects, hints or projects onto you. If you want to invite or give, keep doing that. If people want to get offended over reciprocation or the places you invite them to, let them do them while you do you. You report to yourself (and God if you are religious), it is very difficult to control what other people do and to appease to their every whim.

Please don’t walk on eggshells trying to find a tactful way to do the things that you normally do (unless they severely veer from social norms or are harmful to others, which I know can be relative for some people). If these friends go by the wayside, so be it. You will find others you mesh with.

This is really bad advice.

OP , you said you were poor so empathy for their circumstances should be easy for you. Having good manners dictates that you act in a predictable way where everyone knows the rules and is comfortable. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” to be considerate or kind - you literally just have to be empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I come from very humble beginnings but we have done well financially. I grew up poor as a child of immigrants and know too well what it is like to have no money.

I have noticed for a few years that certain friends decline invitations likely because of money. This can be my kids’ friends or mom friends or old friends from childhood. I try to pick up the bigger bills or cover hotel saying I have a lot of points. This gets harder to do as we all have kids and can’t all fit into one hotel room or suite.

Is there a tactful way of saying I will pay for an outing or trip without insulting someone?

I am specifically thinking of a new friend. Our kids get along great. They will offer to hang out for free outings like to a park or library but decline any and all activities that cost anything.

Be clear upfront about your intentions, offer to host at your home or your country club (where it’s often impossible for guests to pay!), or just take the kids as someone suggested.

Traveling, especially with kids, is expensive and there are logistical considerations (pet sitting may need to be schedules, it may be a busy time at work and a parent may want to catch up on stuff, etc). You sound like a thoughtful friend.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to just respect this friend’s preferences. She does not want to do expensive things or things that cost money even if you pay for her. She is signaling this very clearly. So respect that the same way you would if she turned you down every time you suggested going for a run or something. You would not come on here asking us how to make her go for a run with you, would you?

Paying for people is not inherently a nice thing. You don’t get to decide she should feel differently and be grateful for your generosity. If you don’t want to do free things this friendship may not work out and that’s ok (though not what I would choose!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to do. Best thing is to invite them to your house.

I think the best thing is relative. What about when people don’t want to host in their homes? It can be a lot of work to host in house. There are people that want to get out and be entertained and served and go back to a clean house, what is wrong with that? Their kid(s) may want to do an external activity? I am telling you OP, there are all kinds of people in this world, find the ones that are compatible. You are likely to get burned being a people pleaser. When you meet people who are unwilling to meet you in the middle and compromise, it has to be their way or the highway, that is the only signal you need, move on.