When you have more many than all your friends

[Anonymous]

DH and I come from very humble beginnings but we have done well financially. I grew up poor as a child of immigrants and know too well what it is like to have no money.

I have noticed for a few years that certain friends decline invitations likely because of money. This can be my kids’ friends or mom friends or old friends from childhood. I try to pick up the bigger bills or cover hotel saying I have a lot of points. This gets harder to do as we all have kids and can’t all fit into one hotel room or suite.

Is there a tactful way of saying I will pay for an outing or trip without insulting someone?

I am specifically thinking of a new friend. Our kids get along great. They will offer to hang out for free outings like to a park or library but decline any and all activities that cost anything.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what kind of invites you are extending. A hotel is a big $$$ for many families, especially when kids are younger.

I remember being annoyed bc a friend invited us on an activity that cost me about $70 for my two kids, but she had a gift card for her kids. It wasn’t an activity that I wanted to do, but drove across town and did it to spend time with them.

So consider the $ and also the types of activities. Maybe they aren’t things they want to do.

[Anonymous]

I think if you're just inviting the kids it's easier because you can say "our treat" or whatever, but I would feel a bit weirder paying for other adults.

I actually did have a gift certificate over break that I used part of for another family to join us at an activity and there wasn't any awkwardness around that.

It's nice that you're so generous!

[Anonymous]

It is hard to do. Best thing is to invite them to your house.

[Anonymous]

I’m in your situation. I just invite and say it’s on me. No reason necessary.

[Anonymous]

You are exhausting. You pick something cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious what kind of invites you are extending. A hotel is a big $$$ for many families, especially when kids are younger.

I remember being annoyed bc a friend invited us on an activity that cost me about $70 for my two kids, but she had a gift card for her kids. It wasn’t an activity that I wanted to do, but drove across town and did it to spend time with them.

So consider the $ and also the types of activities. Maybe they aren’t things they want to do.

This. We could afford it but no.

[Anonymous]

I have an only child so if it is a kid activity, these days I will offer to take the other kid and say "my treat." I will usally say something along the lines of "Thanks for letting me borrow your kid to keep mine occupied."

If it is an activity that I want to do but wouldn't necessarily be the friend's preferred activity, I just say, "I really want to do X, but I don't want to go alone, will you come with me, my treat." I paid for concert tickets for an artist I wanted to see and for tickets to a live taping of one of my favorite podcasts for that.

Other times I will send out a group text to see if there is any interest in trying to go see X movie or on the higher end Y theater production.

[Anonymous]

You can do this for a birthday event or something. Invite the other kids and it's all on us/treat for the birthday kind of thing. Otherwise I would just do simpler things or have them over. I would not feel comfortable in this situation if someone paid for my kids or me all the time. You also risk taking on users who will take advantage of you, only there for the freebies. Unfortunately there are lots of people like this.

[Anonymous]

I thought that went without saying that if you invite someone’s child to join you on an activity, they are your guest and you pay for the child.

I think the OP was talking about including the mom and her kids which is a little different.

I did something really bold last year. My daughter’s best friend has since moved but she was great. Her father was a single parent and a great guy. I had been bringing them to the Y every week for basketball and they enjoyed it.

There was a six week basketball program coming up in the summer. I asked him if he could do me a huge favor. I’d like to pay for Jessie to come with us for the first week. You could help me with picking them up and it would make life easier. He agreed but that was scary because I didn’t want to insult him. It worked out.

[Anonymous]

You need to suggest lower cost activities. Instead of Vegas, Atlantic City. Instead of dinner, lunch or brunch. Instead of lunch at a restaurant, picnic in a park, or happy hour or coffee.

Scale down.

[Anonymous]

Agree on saying "it's my treat" and paying for other kids if you're talking about like a movie theater, play space, etc. Or a special treat for a birthday. Beyond that I'd rather do stuff that's in my budget than have someone else pay for it absent special circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to a good portion of this OP. My best advice is to keep doing you. Don’t bend and morph into what anyone else expects, hints or projects onto you. If you want to invite or give, keep doing that. If people want to get offended over reciprocation or the places you invite them to, let them do them while you do you. You report to yourself (and God if you are religious), it is very difficult to control what other people do and to appease to their every whim.

Please don’t walk on eggshells trying to find a tactful way to do the things that you normally do (unless they severely veer from social norms or are harmful to others, which I know can be relative for some people). If these friends go by the wayside, so be it. You will find others you mesh with.

[Anonymous]

Yea stop inviting them to hotels?? I feel like this is only a first gen problem. You seem insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Its rare to find other families to travel together. There's too much disparity in terms of family members, money, travel style, etc.