Travel tyrant friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a mom friend group where we started out with babies but now travel together. The leader of this travel friend group is so bossy and calls all the shots. She is opinionated and not flexible so the rest of us have to just follow everything she does. She picks the dates, location, activities, food. It used to be fun to escape and get a break but now i dread these trips with her. I like the other people in the friend group.

Would you continue to go to see the other friends?

Need more info. Are you speaking up and what's happening? Is she unlikeable (to you) during the trip?

You offer to plan the trip. It's a lot of work to plan trips and doing it by committee makes it 10x more work. You're riding her free labor and probably all of you have been doing it a while. So maybe she's just lost the niceties. Or plan a trip and don't include her if you don't like her.

Op here. We have been on several trips together. We used to have long text chains on activities, restaurants, lodging, etc. Now there is no discussion. She picks dates that work for her, books lodging and says she can always cancel later and then makes reservations just in case. I don’t think she wants other people’s inputs. She does not compromise.

Bet those long texts were obnoxious and annoying. Probably better someone just took charge.

[Anonymous]

Im an A type. Ive tried to arrange mom dinners with school moms. If I do a group chat and ask for suggestions I then get 4-5 different dates, several restaurant options and a couple of no responses. The I try and narrow it down. It can take multiple texts and time.
Its way easier for me now to coordinate with one other person who is reliable about showing up and communicates well.
We pick a day and location.
I then send the group text with this info.
Your friend may be coordinating with someone that you don't know about, or shes just fed up asking you all and it involving so much back and forth
I would still go if i enjoyed her company once on the trip

[Anonymous]

My guess is she’s tired of the back and forth and the multiple inputs, especially if she ends up making the reservations / planning.

So, She’s planning a trip that she’d enjoy and you guys are welcome to join her.

[Anonymous]

If you dislike it so much, why don’t you take over, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone feel this way? Are other people offering plans and their voices are silenced? Surely people aren’t showing up to travel on a trip they don’t want to go on.

Sometimes it’s nice to have someone take charge and make plans and you can just show up.

I do think she thinks she is taking charge. We used to get input but now she plans everything and we are all quiet.

This probably also has to do with the fact that we don’t see one another like we used to before Covid when kids were babies or in preschool. Our kids all go to different schools so see one another infrequently.

If she didn't do it, would it all fall apart? Would you travel again?

It's easy to hate on folks like this for being aggressive, but they also tend to be the social glue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a mom friend group where we started out with babies but now travel together. The leader of this travel friend group is so bossy and calls all the shots. She is opinionated and not flexible so the rest of us have to just follow everything she does. She picks the dates, location, activities, food. It used to be fun to escape and get a break but now i dread these trips with her. I like the other people in the friend group.

Would you continue to go to see the other friends?

Need more info. Are you speaking up and what's happening? Is she unlikeable (to you) during the trip?

You offer to plan the trip. It's a lot of work to plan trips and doing it by committee makes it 10x more work. You're riding her free labor and probably all of you have been doing it a while. So maybe she's just lost the niceties. Or plan a trip and don't include her if you don't like her.

Op here. We have been on several trips together. We used to have long text chains on activities, restaurants, lodging, etc. Now there is no discussion. She picks dates that work for her, books lodging and says she can always cancel later and then makes reservations just in case. I don’t think she wants other people’s inputs. She does not compromise.

Bet those long texts were obnoxious and annoying. Probably better someone just took charge.

+1

I can see both sides here. I do have a friend who literally forgets that anyone else has preferences so we have to remind her when the topic of where to go to dinner comes up. But also, I've planned trips and the "helpful" comments from people aren't actually all that helpful when no one makes a decision. For example, I just sent six books to the book group I used to be in (faded out about a year ago and we had recently discussed trying to get it back together). I sent links to each book so they could read about the plot, reviews, etc. One person said oh one of those is on my list. Another said I have a different book but I don't think any of you will like it. Three didn't respond. One said thanks but nothing else. So at this point, I have two choices: (1) just drop it and wait for someone else to take charge and pick a book or (2) pick a book and tell them this is what we're reading. If I choose option 1, which I'm going to do because I'm busy enough right now, there will be no book club. If I choose option 2, one of them could post on DCUM that they're in a book club but they hate that I just always pick the book we're going to read.

OP, I suggest you act like a big girl and use your words. If you really don't care about the trip plans, then be appreciative that this woman does all the leg work (and it is a lot of work!) and enjoy the trip. If you do care about the plans, then speak up and say no, I actually don't want to eat there. And then, and this is key, make your own suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is she’s tired of the back and forth and the multiple inputs, especially if she ends up making the reservations / planning.

So, She’s planning a trip that she’d enjoy and you guys are welcome to join her.

This. We've all experienced this. People won't reply in a reasonable time when you request input and act put out just because you ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is she’s tired of the back and forth and the multiple inputs, especially if she ends up making the reservations / planning.

So, She’s planning a trip that she’d enjoy and you guys are welcome to join her

[b].

I do a lot of group trip planning and it’s this. I don’t think I’m a tyrant because people ask to join the trips I do.

You are freeloading on her hard work and then gossiping behind her back? You’re an ungrateful jerk. How about treat her to dinner on the trip or send her a card later where you recognize and appreciate the work she put in.

[Anonymous]

Oof, you could be talking about me (except I'm not actively planning a trip right now). I take the reins and make the plans because otherwise nothing will happen - everyone will hem and haw and give "input" but make zero actual decisions until it's too late and everything good is already booked. So we'd end up postponing, rinse and repeat, until I started doing what a PP stated above: plan a trip I'd enjoy and everyone is welcome to join.

[Anonymous]

Before considering the option of quitting, why not decide to act more empowered .... Want to arrive at another time? Do it. Independently meet them, where you want, when you want, to do what you want. State it ahead of time, well-planned, so you're not inconveniencing anyone. Just act. No convincing anyone needed, of why your plans are different this time. If you talk too much, it'll result in drama

^ This. At present, you aren't even willing to act to modify the trip

[Anonymous]

So stop going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before considering the option of quitting, why not decide to act more empowered. You will have to know your own mind. Previously, you had the luxury of not thinking about it much. Want to arrive at another time? Do it. Independently meet them, where you want, when you want, to do what you want. State it ahead of time, well-planned, so you're not inconveniencing anyone. Just act. No convincing anyone needed, of why your plans are different this time. If you talk too much, it'll result in drama.

You don't break from a leader without good reason. You have thought about it, know what you want to be different, and respectfully act on it.

This is what I would do. In fact I have done this before.

One thing I've learned is that this is when you discover whether the "take charge" friend is actually just trying to ensure the trip happens by taking on the planning, or if she's a control freak who likes dictating everything. Because when you start saying stuff like "ok sounds awesome but since I have that work conflict, I will be flying in on Friday instead of Thursday. I'll just book my own room and plan on meeting you guys at the restaurant on Friday night!" sometimes you get hard pushback because the Type A friend cannot handle the idea of anyone deviating from script. She'll get annoyed and resentful even though you are booking your own travel and not increasing the burden on her at all. She wants everyone doing the same thing -- her thing.

Other times people are totally fine with this and it even spurs others to be a bit more independent, and it can lessen the load on the planner friend because instead of being responsible for planning everything, it's more about figuring out dates that work and then maybe making a reservation or two, but people are mostly handling their own arrangements beyond that, pairing up to share hotels on their own if that's what they want, making plans for side trips that only appeal to their interests, etc. If people are mature and independent, this can actually work way better than a super planned, cohesive trip where one person books everything and arranges the schedule. Especially as you get holder and people just have different needs and agendas.

If she freaks out, then you know -- it's more about controlling people and playing the martyr. Otherwise, she might actually be glad to see you taking initiative and maybe the planning duties will get spread around a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before considering the option of quitting, why not decide to act more empowered. You will have to know your own mind. Previously, you had the luxury of not thinking about it much. Want to arrive at another time? Do it. Independently meet them, where you want, when you want, to do what you want. State it ahead of time, well-planned, so you're not inconveniencing anyone. Just act. No convincing anyone needed, of why your plans are different this time. If you talk too much, it'll result in drama.

You don't break from a leader without good reason. You have thought about it, know what you want to be different, and respectfully act on it.

This is what I would do. In fact I have done this before.

One thing I've learned is that this is when you discover whether the "take charge" friend is actually just trying to ensure the trip happens by taking on the planning, or if she's a control freak who likes dictating everything. Because when you start saying stuff like "ok sounds awesome but since I have that work conflict, I will be flying in on Friday instead of Thursday. I'll just book my own room and plan on meeting you guys at the restaurant on Friday night!" sometimes you get hard pushback because the Type A friend cannot handle the idea of anyone deviating from script. She'll get annoyed and resentful even though you are booking your own travel and not increasing the burden on her at all. She wants everyone doing the same thing -- her thing.

Other times people are totally fine with this and it even spurs others to be a bit more independent, and it can lessen the load on the planner friend because instead of being responsible for planning everything, it's more about figuring out dates that work and then maybe making a reservation or two, but people are mostly handling their own arrangements beyond that, pairing up to share hotels on their own if that's what they want, making plans for side trips that only appeal to their interests, etc. If people are mature and independent, this can actually work way better than a super planned, cohesive trip where one person books everything and arranges the schedule. Especially as you get holder and people just have different needs and agendas.

If she freaks out, then you know -- it's more about controlling people and playing the martyr. Otherwise, she might actually be glad to see you taking initiative and maybe the planning duties will get spread around a bit more.

I'm a "take charge" friend who posted upthread that I do it because otherwise the trip will never happen and/or we'll miss out on the best lodging and reservations if it's too last minute. I'm absolutely fine with people coming and going as they see fit, skipping certain outings, or arranging their own! I want have fun and I want you to have fun, too. But if you (general you) don't speak up and are just begrudgingly going along with everything I plan while silently stewing about it and resenting me, I have no way of knowing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im an A type. Ive tried to arrange mom dinners with school moms. If I do a group chat and ask for suggestions I then get 4-5 different dates, several restaurant options and a couple of no responses. The I try and narrow it down. It can take multiple texts and time.
Its way easier for me now to coordinate with one other person who is reliable about showing up and communicates well.
We pick a day and location.
I then send the group text with this info.
Your friend may be coordinating with someone that you don't know about, or shes just fed up asking you all and it involving so much back and forth
I would still go if i enjoyed her company once on the trip

I think this is a good approach for dinner out; not a good approach for a trip. Trip I assume is a once a year thing so if you miss it or you are stuck doing something you are not into it's a missed opportunity for fun.

Dinner if you miss this month you'll get the next one.

OP - we stopped doing trips with my big group of high school friends because of something like this. It wasn't just that she planned everything, she was uncompromising and it became too painful to argue through every detail with her. The group broke up somewhat but the people I care to see I still see - saw one in Hawaii this year and am visiting another one in North Carolina this weekend. I would say if these trips aren't fun for you, don't go and then arrange what you want to do with who you want to do it with.

[Anonymous]

Complaints are a major issue over which people bond. Professionally run, all group tours have this going on. What matters is tweaking the experience some, to personalize it for you and knowing you need to ignore some very general negative talk going around.