How to overcome this friend dynamic

[Anonymous]

What has he tried so far, in terms of getting more included with these friend groups? Is there one that might be easier to break into than the others? Any “mom guess” as to why he hasn’t been included? Is he on the more passive/quiet side- has he hinted around or asked to be included ? Or are the groups a little bit more based on shared activities or a sport, neighborhood, or previous friend groups since before high school etc?

Usually male friend groups at this age are a little more flexible about letting others in, unless a member is actively blocking them out. IMHO boys are sometimes a bit more dense at times & don’t think to invite…so it is genuinely possible that (unlike with girls) it could just be an oversight or some passivity.

I also liked the suggestion someone gave about potentially befriending another “friend” in one of the groups. Any potential possibilities there? Or potentially showing a bit of interest/openness to something the group does? For example my teen son isn’t very athletic and does not really LOVE to go to the gym, but pretends to semi-enjoy lifting weights with a small group since the others (who aren’t terribly athletic either LOL) do. It is really more of a social thing and they get food after.

[Anonymous]

Move him back to public

[Anonymous]

My DS barely hang out outside of school as a freshman. Then 2 girls adopted him and are planning all the hangouts and sometimes there are other people too. It’s a matter of luck really

[Anonymous]

If he’s smart—academic teams—my son joined to compete and made whole new friend group in one year….then we moved for his senior year and he joined acdec at his new school and has a whole new friend group again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What has he tried so far, in terms of getting more included with these friend groups? Is there one that might be easier to break into than the others? Any “mom guess” as to why he hasn’t been included? Is he on the more passive/quiet side- has he hinted around or asked to be included ? Or are the groups a little bit more based on shared activities or a sport, neighborhood, or previous friend groups since before high school etc?

Usually male friend groups at this age are a little more flexible about letting others in, unless a member is actively blocking them out. IMHO boys are sometimes a bit more dense at times & don’t think to invite…so it is genuinely possible that (unlike with girls) it could just be an oversight or some passivity.

I also liked the suggestion someone gave about potentially befriending another “friend” in one of the groups. Any potential possibilities there? Or potentially showing a bit of interest/openness to something the group does? For example my teen son isn’t very athletic and does not really LOVE to go to the gym, but pretends to semi-enjoy lifting weights with a small group since the others (who aren’t terribly athletic either LOL) do. It is really more of a social thing and they get food after.

Don’t try to encourage a kid to break into a group. They’re teenagers. It causes more trouble than it’s worth, usually for dumb reasons.

How big is the private schools and what are the different groups? Usually, there’s one group that accepts everyone—the weird group. Does he not like that group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old son is a bit like this. Historically he has a lot of one on one friendships but doesn't have a steady group. One plus is the groups can end up being a lot of drama where one on one friendships are typically a bit healthier. His one on one friendships got strong enough in high school that he is actually pretty busy socially. Now goes out with a lot of different people and does groups of 3 or 4 outings and it's not always the exact same kids. This took time...most of his freshman year really. The only time it's really an issue for him is things like homecoming. He usually just goes with one other person and it's fine but I think he wishes he had the classic group of tried and true 8 or whatever in that situation.

A couple suggestions:

-He can more proactively ask to be invited into one of the groups or think about how to be invited into one of these groups. I would suggest this to him. He might say no and that would be weird, etc. And you'd have to trust his instincts. If he's not organically being invited into one of the groups over time, that is probably a sign someone in the group is actively blocking his participation. Because teens can be like that. But it's worth poking around at this very gently and helping him brainstorm if he is open to it. Is there something at school where he can organically get to know others in the group beyond his one friend, etc.

And then I agree a key is activities. Reality is there are groups in activities too. Not everyone is doing everything all together. But it's regular exposure to different kids.

I could see boys being oblivious to him not being added; girls much more a classic being blocket

It might be more that he’s friends with one athletic kid but doesn’t relate to the athletic side so doesn’t fit in with a group of athletic kids. Same with band kids, same with debate, etc.

If he’s the kind of kid parents love, he might have a hard time relating to kids. For example let’s say a group of kids make a bad decision, does he understand why? Most kids do make bad decisions whether it’s throwing a ball indoors or quitting an activity over a significant other. If he can’t relate to kids it will be hard to make friend groups. Friend groups usually involve making bad decisions together, even if it’s as dumb as having caffeine before bed.

All that said, does he want a friend group or is that a parent want?

[Anonymous]

My 15 yo DS is similar. I think he’s awesome and adults love him. He also has age appropriate interest and knowledge of sports, music, clothes but seems to be ice’d out of the groups he’s
trying to join. Some seem happy to hang out one on one (though my son always has to be the one to reach out and propose a plan) but is regularly excluded from the large hang outs. It sucks. He is involved in a sport but it’s in the spring and his club team has kids from all over 2 counties so he doesn’t see any of them
socially. His weekends were feeling empty and lonely so he got a job which he enjoys but isn’t a place where he can make friends (he’s 5 yrs younger than most employees). No solutions to offer just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

I work the grill at my child’s school at parent-grill events. There’s always one boy who ends up spending a few minutes talking to the parents. They love it. He’s smart and articulate, but it’s always small talk. I wondered why he spent so much time this way, and I realized he’s lonely.

I tried to ask him things that went just a hair beyond small talk. Something as small as feeling like he wanted to see how many fries he could stuff in his mouth would give the other kids something to relate to. It would also give him an opening to understand other kids.

But nothing. It seemed like someone had taught him to be a smart and kind, but neither of those make friends. Kindness prevents bullying or falling out with friends. Being smart helps them in school.

[Anonymous]

You can’t solve this for him at 16. I disagree with the posters who are suggesting that he ask to be invited to the other group activities that’s he’s not currently being asked to go to. That’s a good way to get these kids to distance themselves from him. I have a 15 and 17 yo and they would find that rude and a lack of social skills.

It’s hard, one of mine is not as outgoing and the other is more of an extrovert. Both have had times in HS where friends shift and they find not a lot of kids to hang out with. I would think it would be much more difficult in private, where the kids have known each other for longer.

I’d encourage him to get a social part time job. Do you have any place around you that hires a lot of teens? My oldest met more friends there than anything at school and he played a sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS barely hang out outside of school as a freshman. Then 2 girls adopted him and are planning all the hangouts and sometimes there are other people too. It’s a matter of luck really

I’m the PP and your post made me laugh a little because my 15 yo DD and her friends have one boy who they have been hanging out with for the past year. They said they randomly met him at lunch and he was funny and now he is part of the group. He truly does everything with them and they think of him as just a friend. I guess they adopted him.

[Anonymous]

Is he happy with the way things are? Maybe he doesn’t need to be part of a larger group. Sometimes well-meaning parents want something different socially than their kids want. In any case, it is very difficult for a parent to engineer friendships for teenagers. College will likely be a different experience for him, but joining a frat is unlikely ( fortunately). He obviously has the ability to make friends. I would not be too concerned.

[Anonymous]

Is he happy with the way things are? Maybe he doesn’t need to be part of a larger group. Sometimes well-meaning parents want something different socially than their kids want. In any case, it is very difficult for a parent to engineer friendships for teenagers. College will likely be a different experience for him, but joining a frat is unlikely ( fortunately). He obviously has the ability to make friends. I would not be too concerned.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my oldest was this way. It didn’t bother him much. As a young adult, he has more friends than all of us put together. And he is still friends with the few kids in HS.

There are worse things. A few of the kids in our extended family seemed to always have friends and friend groups but they weren’t the kids you’d want your child to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he happy with the way things are? Maybe he doesn’t need to be part of a larger group. Sometimes well-meaning parents want something different socially than their kids want. In any case, it is very difficult for a parent to engineer friendships for teenagers. College will likely be a different experience for him, but joining a frat is unlikely ( fortunately). He obviously has the ability to make friends. I would not be too concerned.

I was going to ask this same question. OP, who is more bothered about this, you or him?

My oldest was like this, and I came to realize it distressed *me* more than him. I had fond memories of running around with friends, hanging out, all of that, and wanted it for him, but not doing this didn’t bother him and he was happy hanging out at home with us and his younger siblings.

He was always like this and still is, as an adult. Never had really had good friends, but it didn’t keep him from pursuing his career, or finding a girlfriend whom he recently married.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure these groups of friends have Snapchat threads. That is how my private school son and all his classmates have communicated throughout high school. He is part of several very large groups and a number of smaller groups. If someone is doing something, they snap the group. Then whoever is available comes and hangs out. It's pretty casual and honestly the opposite of exclusionary. In my experience, girls can be very organized and exclusionary "I'm inviting these 3 people and not you" but boys are are lot more spontaneous and random. Then the more you you, the more you're invited when smaller groups are created. You really have to insert yourself into the whole scene. My son struggled with this freshman year but then a year later he was part of the whole mix. It takes a lot of insertion. Boys are not thinking "oh, we should invite John, he may feel left out." But neither are they thinking "oh we should actively NOT invite John, he's going to ruin the group dynamic." They're just not thinking much about any of it. So it takes active insertion.

OP, how does your son communicate with these kids?