How to overcome this friend dynamic

[Anonymous]

DS-16 is a nice kid overall. He's the type of kid that most adults (friend's parents) love- well spoken , polite , studious, ... He's aways had difficulty making friends though.
We had him move from public to a private school which started in high school and were hoping he would get a fresh start there since everyone is new in 9th grade. He did make maybe about 3 individual friends. The problem is that all 3 friends have their own separate friend groups and he rarely gets invited to hang out at these group gatherings. For example, a friend would come over individually to hang out at our place, or the mall very occasionally, but then that friend has his own close friend group of which my son is not part of. I told him he could start his own friend group with the 3 friends, but he says that would be weird because the 3 boys aren't friends with each other.
I just feel bad because he's missing out on a lot ... he's home most of the time, he does not go out, except on some rare occasions where one of these friends comes over for a couple of hours or so.
Has anyone's child had a similar friend dynamic? How can I best support him?

[Anonymous]

Does he play a sport or join clubs?

[Anonymous]

An activity where all are invited/involved. Theatre, band, school sports team. It doesn't need to look like socialization, but it is socialization. It needs to fill his time. He needs to be around his peers but Mom don't worry so much about a friend group.

He may end up being a close, nurturing, present husband and father someday. Not hanging out golfing with The Guys.

[Anonymous]

My 16 year old son is a bit like this. Historically he has a lot of one on one friendships but doesn't have a steady group. One plus is the groups can end up being a lot of drama where one on one friendships are typically a bit healthier. His one on one friendships got strong enough in high school that he is actually pretty busy socially. Now goes out with a lot of different people and does groups of 3 or 4 outings and it's not always the exact same kids. This took time...most of his freshman year really. The only time it's really an issue for him is things like homecoming. He usually just goes with one other person and it's fine but I think he wishes he had the classic group of tried and true 8 or whatever in that situation.

A couple suggestions:

-He can more proactively ask to be invited into one of the groups or think about how to be invited into one of these groups. I would suggest this to him. He might say no and that would be weird, etc. And you'd have to trust his instincts. If he's not organically being invited into one of the groups over time, that is probably a sign someone in the group is actively blocking his participation. Because teens can be like that. But it's worth poking around at this very gently and helping him brainstorm if he is open to it. Is there something at school where he can organically get to know others in the group beyond his one friend, etc.

And then I agree a key is activities. Reality is there are groups in activities too. Not everyone is doing everything all together. But it's regular exposure to different kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he play a sport or join clubs?

He does not play any team sports, unfortunately. He's also not very athletic in general.
OP

[Anonymous]

He's correct that he can't make a "friend group" out of kids that aren't friends. He can more proactively ask to be included in one of the existing friend groups if it suits him; that may or may not work and depends on his relationship w/ the kid he asks, but also w/ that kid's relationship with the group (the latter of which he has no control over). He can try to find another friend group (to add on, having individual non-group friends is valuable too) -- the most natural path to that is through some activity. If he's not great at making friends, seeking out an activity that isn't the outgoing/popular crowd at his school makes sense (unless he's very good at an activity, which can sometimes be a path in for an awkward or shy kid).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he play a sport or join clubs?

He does not play any team sports, unfortunately. He's also not very athletic in general.
OP

There are lots of boys who are not athletic.

So what is he doing in his free time?

Best thing is just encourage getting involved. If a kid doesn't have a lot going on, I'd suggest a job. They can meet other teens at a lot of jobs.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a bit like this (she's 14). She is involved in a bunch of extracurricular stuff, and is "friendly" with lots of kids. But really doesn't have a group right now. She did in ES, and most of MS, so this does feel different.

Sometimes I worry a bit that she feels left out, but on the other hand, she's a pretty introverted kid, and she has a busy life that she and seems happy about.

I can't tell from your post- is this bothering your son, or just you? I would absolutely get him involved in more activities (doesn't have to be sports) if you think it's bothering him. But if he's happy with the status quo, then I'd probably let him be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he play a sport or join clubs?

He does not play any team sports, unfortunately. He's also not very athletic in general.
OP

There are plenty of group activities that are not sports - theater is a good one. If he doesn't want to be on the stage, he can do theater tech.

[Anonymous]

He knows the boundaries and there is no opening for him to join the groups. It's good that he at least has a few individual friends. Maybe he can learn how to play golf when the weather warms up, it's good to have things to do to keep busy when are alone. He could also go to some sports games with family or one of those few friends if he's interested. If so, buy two tickets and he can invite a friend. Sometimes you have to wait until college until you find a nice group, but it should happen eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he play a sport or join clubs?

He does not play any team sports, unfortunately. He's also not very athletic in general.
OP

There are lots of boys who are not athletic.

So what is he doing in his free time?

Best thing is just encourage getting involved. If a kid doesn't have a lot going on, I'd suggest a job. They can meet other teens at a lot of jobs.

+1 having to work can take the sting out of not having plans too.
I got a job at a rough patch socially and ended up making new friends.

[Anonymous]

He could be a mime

[Anonymous]

He needs to join an activity or two. If he won't do that, have him get a job. Having a job can be terrific for maturity and social skills generally, and give him a sense of accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old son is a bit like this. Historically he has a lot of one on one friendships but doesn't have a steady group. One plus is the groups can end up being a lot of drama where one on one friendships are typically a bit healthier. His one on one friendships got strong enough in high school that he is actually pretty busy socially. Now goes out with a lot of different people and does groups of 3 or 4 outings and it's not always the exact same kids. This took time...most of his freshman year really. The only time it's really an issue for him is things like homecoming. He usually just goes with one other person and it's fine but I think he wishes he had the classic group of tried and true 8 or whatever in that situation.

A couple suggestions:

-He can more proactively ask to be invited into one of the groups or think about how to be invited into one of these groups. I would suggest this to him. He might say no and that would be weird, etc. And you'd have to trust his instincts. If he's not organically being invited into one of the groups over time, that is probably a sign someone in the group is actively blocking his participation. Because teens can be like that. But it's worth poking around at this very gently and helping him brainstorm if he is open to it. Is there something at school where he can organically get to know others in the group beyond his one friend, etc.

And then I agree a key is activities. Reality is there are groups in activities too. Not everyone is doing everything all together. But it's regular exposure to different kids.

I could see boys being oblivious to him not being added; girls much more a classic being blocket

[Anonymous]

Sort of calculated, but in addition to other tips, if he finds out who is in the groups and sort of naturally befriends one or more of those guys, that could help. Then if a friend wants to include him, the response will be more positive. Of course, this is sort of awkward advice to give and he probably needs to figure that out himself.