If your spouse ruined something by accident in the process of trying to be helpful, how would you react?

[Anonymous]

Upset, sad, sure. Not angry if it was just an accident.

We can’t tell you if it’s weaponized incompetence.

[Anonymous]

If it’s something they should have known, I’d be annoyed. If it was a brain fart they took responsibility for or something they couldn’t have known, I’d shrug.

[Anonymous]

Shaming does absolutely nothing positive. If it was an accident, move on. If it's a pattern of weaponized incompetence, then it's a problem that needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

I mean ... are they clumsy and ruin things all the time because they don't pay attention to things that are important to other people? If so, I'd be angry. Otherwise, if they were trying to be helpful, just move on and replace the thing -- nbd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As with all reactions, my first thought is: it has already happened, right?

It does no good to react harshly

I’d react harshly if it was the 10th time the same mishap happened.

Means that person cannot or will Bo learn to do better. That’s a big problem that never ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Context matters.

If there’s a history of them ruining my things and shrugging it off with “oops! Mistakes happen!” I’d be furious. To me that divorce-worthy.

A one time mistake and they replace the item? I’d forgive.

This.

One off rare accident, they apologize and sensibly set to make it right? Ok work through it.

Pattern of mindless, thoughtless, careless “accidents?” Not OK.
Followed by a Pattern of excuses, blaming others, no real apology, no real vow to do better? Way not OK.
They need habit changes, accountability, DBT therapy.

My ex was like this. DBT really is the answer but when I proposed that along with other shifts he lost his mind and walked out. People like this have often never been confronted with taking responsibility and often had a parent who constantly covered their tracks for them, and if you finally push back, their brains aren’t wired to handle it. Proceed with caution!

[Anonymous]

Need more information. Trying to help, like doing laundry, and ruined something? First time, or has done this multiple times? Accidentally knocked over the vase given to you by grandma who's no longer with you and it broke? Something else?

Hard to imagine what thing that's ruined would rise to a serious level of anger rather than an annoyance, therefore, need more information

[Anonymous]

Need more information. An adult should know how to do laundry, so I would be super annoyed about a ruined outfit. Read the labels.

Why is one spouse messing around with the other’s hobby? Did hobby spouse leave a huge mess and the other was trying to clean it up and threw things away?

What was the reaction? My DH is the worst about apologizing. When he messes up, he makes excuses and tries to turn it around on me instead of just owning up to the mistake and trying to make it right. If it was an honest mistake and the spouse apologized and replaced the item, then I would be mildly annoyed but not angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Context matters.

If there’s a history of them ruining my things and shrugging it off with “oops! Mistakes happen!” I’d be furious. To me that divorce-worthy.

A one time mistake and they replace the item? I’d forgive.

This.

One off rare accident, they apologize and sensibly set to make it right? Ok work through it.

Pattern of mindless, thoughtless, careless “accidents?” Not OK.
Followed by a Pattern of excuses, blaming others, no real apology, no real vow to do better? Way not OK.
They need habit changes, accountability, DBT therapy.

My ex was like this. DBT really is the answer but when I proposed that along with other shifts he lost his mind and walked out. People like this have often never been confronted with taking responsibility and often had a parent who constantly covered their tracks for them, and if you finally push back, their brains aren’t wired to handle it. Proceed with caution!

I would proceed with caution but I would be ready for such an immature person to lie, hit the Easy Button, and walk out. That’s easier for him than self improvement, in the immediate short term only of course. Thus the bad habits behaviors and patterns will continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Context matters.

If there’s a history of them ruining my things and shrugging it off with “oops! Mistakes happen!” I’d be furious. To me that divorce-worthy.

A one time mistake and they replace the item? I’d forgive.

This.

One off rare accident, they apologize and sensibly set to make it right? Ok work through it.

Pattern of mindless, thoughtless, careless “accidents?” Not OK.
Followed by a Pattern of excuses, blaming others, no real apology, no real vow to do better? Way not OK.
They need habit changes, accountability, DBT therapy.

My ex was like this. DBT really is the answer but when I proposed that along with other shifts he lost his mind and walked out. People like this have often never been confronted with taking responsibility and often had a parent who constantly covered their tracks for them, and if you finally push back, their brains aren’t wired to handle it. Proceed with caution!

I would proceed with caution but I would be ready for such an immature person to lie, hit the Easy Button, and walk out. That’s easier for him than self improvement, in the immediate short term only of course. Thus the bad habits behaviors and patterns will continue.

You’re replying to me and yes, the caution I was suggesting was because like my ex, when confronted it’s easier for them to lie, bail out, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Context matters.

If there’s a history of them ruining my things and shrugging it off with “oops! Mistakes happen!” I’d be furious. To me that divorce-worthy.

A one time mistake and they replace the item? I’d forgive.

This.

One off rare accident, they apologize and sensibly set to make it right? Ok work through it.

Pattern of mindless, thoughtless, careless “accidents?” Not OK.
Followed by a Pattern of excuses, blaming others, no real apology, no real vow to do better? Way not OK.
They need habit changes, accountability, DBT therapy.

My spouse is like this. Carelessly ruins things and then even when asked what happened in a calm neutral tone, tosses blame back. I think it's ADHD. I don't know anything about DBT. How would it help?

[Anonymous]

If it can be easily replaced, get over it.

[Anonymous]

One time mistake is not a big deal. If it happened more than once I could understand suspecting weaponized incompetence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weponized incompetence needs to be shamed and not tolerated.

Ha! Tell my DH. Sometimes I think he does it purposefully so expectations are almost nonexistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it can be easily replaced, get over it.

Exactly. Who cares. Details schmetails.