Is this someone being polite or feigning polite concern and actually prying…

[Anonymous]

A PP who considered it prying: Would you be ok with someone answering all these questions about you if YOU had cancer? How about if you had another serious illness?

Wouldn’t it make more sense for the other person to say “I have a lot of experience with cancer because I work with oncologists or I had esophageal cancer or a good friend of mine had liver cancer which spread to her bones.”

[Anonymous]

I would automatically assume that this person had someone close to them who had cancer……or perhaps they could have or be a risk for cancer.

Though if that were not the case, I would think the person was interested in the general topic of cancer itself.

[Anonymous]

I mean, how did you respond? If I ask a question and someone answers it and I ask another, and they answer that..I’m thinking we are in a conversation and you are participating because you want to. Many people feel like asking questions is showing interest.
On the other hand, if your response is vague and you are changing the subject, then the person trying to continue is being rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP who considered it prying: Would you be ok with someone answering all these questions about you if YOU had cancer? How about if you had another serious illness?

Wouldn’t it make more sense for the other person to say “I have a lot of experience with cancer because I work with oncologists or I had esophageal cancer or a good friend of mine had liver cancer which spread to her bones.”

These questions don’t seem very private to me, tbh.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes get genuinely interested in details like this and have to stop myself from asking too many questions. It’s not prying, it means I have an adjacent problem or feel like I’ll soon need the info.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear/get these questions all the time in my country club community for knee/hip replacements and the like. People love to know about and share doctors, procedures, results.

Do you think it's more or less offensive because it's cancer? Genuine question. Because I'm sure that will be the next level of conversation and wondering how to address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomer from Ny? They probably know oncologists in the city or people who’ve had the same type of cancer and are gathering information to see if they can suggest a doctor they know is good. Assume the best in people until/unless they give you reason to think otherwise.

This

[Anonymous]

It's yente behavior. It serves a valuable social purpose (knowledge sharing) but is also annoying for the patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand people like you.

It's not either/or. Of course it comes from a place of concern, how could it not? No one asks these questions for fun or to pass the time. You are allowed to not respond fully, even if the one asking did not intend to be intrusive.

My father is probably in his last illness. My friends and distant relatives have asked many questions. I am glad to give them updates. And if they're asking just in case they or their loved ones are ever in that predicament, I am happy to help them out! That's how a community works.

I've lived long enough that I am never surprised by any question I receive. I'm multi-ethnic such that that my origins are not readily apparent: people throughout my life have asked me where I come from. It's not intrusive - they're genuinely curious and not ill-intentioned at all.

"Intrusion" is very subjective.
You can choose to answer with specificity or not, OP. But I don't think you should feel offended.

NP and I am going to stand up for OP here. I also have “lived long enough” to know that yes, while most people are genuinely concerned or showing care, there really are people who gather up bits of information to use later.

I know an older adult who loves to gossip. She especially loves to parse over the personal tragedies of other people. She genuinely relishes having hushed-tone gossip fests, especially about tragedies. They clearly make her feel better or safer about her own life. She has shared personal, medical information when I know for a fact the person she is gossiping about wanted to keep certain details private. She also speculated about a friend’s son, saying he committed suicide, even after his mother asked her to stop spreading that rumor.

Be grateful you don’t know the Tragedy Vulture type. Do not diminish the experience of others. All you have to do is search for “Tragedy Vulture” in this very forum, and you will see what people mean.

[Anonymous]

Absent some context that they share with you, it comes off as rude or tone deaf and you’re not wrong to find it to be such.

[Anonymous]

Boomer from NY is mentally going through their list of contacts who can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomer from NY is mentally going through their list of contacts who can help.

People like this need to learn that they need to gain permission to “help.” I’ve dealt with a chronic illness for more than 10 years, and nothing is more frustrating than the “have you tried” people. Like, yes b-word, I have tried everything.

[Anonymous]

They might be in a similar situation or know someone who is.

They might have researched it themselves for various reasons and want to make sure your relative is on the right track.

They might be a busy body.

They might think you want to talk about it.

They might be socially awkward.

They might like those medical mystery articles.

They might be a cancer researcher or close to someone who is.

So many reasons.

I think what's key is what you say. "Thanks for showing your concern. Your questions make me wonder if this is a subject you're personally familiar with."

Is one way to find out where they're coming from.

Or simply, "why do you ask?"

Or if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine to say, "they have great doctors looking out for them. What's new in your life?"

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t ask those questions, but not for lack of desire. Many people, myself included, have health anxiety and itch to know first symptoms, prognosis, etc. They are worried their own mortality. Information feels like protective arsenal. Share what you like, but know that we’re all just frightened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn’t ask those questions, but not for lack of desire. Many people, myself included, have health anxiety and itch to know first symptoms, prognosis, etc. They are worried their own mortality. Information feels like protective arsenal. Share what you like, but know that we’re all just frightened.

NP. No one should be using someone else’s very real health issues as a way to exorcise their own fear demons. It’s appalling to put that on people who are suffering, or their immediate loved ones.