Is this someone being polite or feigning polite concern and actually prying…

[Anonymous]

A person who you are acquainted with knows that your close relative has been dx with cancer. You are out with dinner with a v small group, there are 4 of you together, and they ask these questions:

What stage?
Who is the oncologist?
How did you find the doc?
What treatment?
What hospital?
For how long?
Which medicines?

If it helps with context, the person is a boomer from NYC. I can’t gauge if this was genuine or rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

It’s none of their business, and prying. I wouldn’t give them this info. If it’s not about me, I have no right to divulge personal health info.

[Anonymous]

Could be either. Do you know this person well? Some people demonstrate concern by being curious and asking detailed questions, or maybe they know a lot about cancer themselves. But if you’re in the camp of being more a of MYOB or a feelings person, this can come across as being nosy.

[Anonymous]

Boomer from Ny? They probably know oncologists in the city or people who’ve had the same type of cancer and are gathering information to see if they can suggest a doctor they know is good. Assume the best in people until/unless they give you reason to think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of their business, and prying. I wouldn’t give them this info. If it’s not about me, I have no right to divulge personal health info.

I agree with you, but my first thought was that this person, or someone close to them, also has a cancer diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Or they’ve also been diagnosed and trying to get info on where to start. That was my initial thought fwiw.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand people like you.

It's not either/or. Of course it comes from a place of concern, how could it not? No one asks these questions for fun or to pass the time. You are allowed to not respond fully, even if the one asking did not intend to be intrusive.

My father is probably in his last illness. My friends and distant relatives have asked many questions. I am glad to give them updates. And if they're asking just in case they or their loved ones are ever in that predicament, I am happy to help them out! That's how a community works.

I've lived long enough that I am never surprised by any question I receive. I'm multi-ethnic such that that my origins are not readily apparent: people throughout my life have asked me where I come from. It's not intrusive - they're genuinely curious and not ill-intentioned at all.

"Intrusion" is very subjective.
You can choose to answer with specificity or not, OP. But I don't think you should feel offended.

[Anonymous]

Genuine behavior can be also rude. Clearly you haven't thought about this great truth. You are free to respond how you like. They are free to ask.

[Anonymous]

When something is deeply personal, like a relative suffering, any question may feel prying or inappropriate even if the meaning behind it is well intentioned.

Try not to take your anger / despair etc about the situation out on well meaning people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When something is deeply personal, like a relative suffering, any question may feel prying or inappropriate even if the meaning behind it is well intentioned.

Try not to take your anger / despair etc about the situation out on well meaning people.

What OP might be missing is that a lot of people feel better when they share that kind of suffering. I've been in OP's shoes, and I felt supported when people asked me questions. I know my friends do as well. We've had cancers and other serious illnesses run through our 40-50 year old friend group, as well as many of our parents' generation.

So I will bet that all these people asking OP questions think they are being supportive.

[Anonymous]

A lot of older people love the medical talk. I don’t think you should automatically assume bad intentions.

[Anonymous]

Assume good intentions, but don't share someone else's personal medical information, unless you're sure they would want you to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or they’ve also been diagnosed and trying to get info on where to start. That was my initial thought fwiw.

I would assume this too. Or they know someone just starting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A person who you are acquainted with knows that your close relative has been dx with cancer. You are out with dinner with a v small group, there are 4 of you together, and they ask these questions:

What stage?
Who is the oncologist?
How did you find the doc?
What treatment?
What hospital?
For how long?
Which medicines?

If it helps with context, the person is a boomer from NYC. I can’t gauge if this was genuine or rude behavior.

I worked in cancer and would probably ask these questions if I cared about the sick person or you. I sent a number of people into clinical trials as I knew more about treatment advances than their suburban doctors. But I probably wouldn't ask at a dinner as it is a bummer and I can pick up social cues, so if the person was uncomfortable, I would stop. But I think it is kind of weird that you are so suspect of people who you are having dinner with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomer from Ny? They probably know oncologists in the city or people who’ve had the same type of cancer and are gathering information to see if they can suggest a doctor they know is good. Assume the best in people until/unless they give you reason to think otherwise.

+1