The advice to call out one-uppers or competitive 'friends'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I actually think even if the person is not intentionally one-upping, that's still one-upping.

Part of friendship and being a good conversationalist means understanding that sometimes you cede the focus to another person. If your approach to conversations is to always try to relate a story from your own life that feels similar to what someone else is saying (note that the degree to which it is similar may be subjective) that is a weak conversation strategy. Someone like this should learn to listen without always turning the conversation to their own experience. Learn to ask questions or comment directly on the other person's experience.

If this is how you relate to people, it actually still does reflect a kind of self-centeredness and inability to think of others instead of just yourself. Especially if it's every single time.

[Anonymous]

I may be guilty of this, one-upping. It's situational. Here's what I do well, and what maybe some of you will think, I don't do well. In a group situation, I never one-up a person who has the group's attention. I'm good with that. They have the floor. I likely stay too quiet. If I'm one-on-one talking with someone, I try to make a connection. And I've very good at it. Likely whatever they are talking about, I can make a connection to my life and mention personal experience into the conversation. And, to be honest, I have had a lot of unique, interesting life experiences. Or I talk too much and people find it boring. Don't know. I so always try to always circle the conversation topic back to the other person, and they remain the focus. If I don't have personal experience on the topic, I try to ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I actually think even if the person is not intentionally one-upping, that's still one-upping.

Part of friendship and being a good conversationalist means understanding that sometimes you cede the focus to another person. If your approach to conversations is to always try to relate a story from your own life that feels similar to what someone else is saying (note that the degree to which it is similar may be subjective) that is a weak conversation strategy. Someone like this should learn to listen without always turning the conversation to their own experience. Learn to ask questions or comment directly on the other person's experience.

If this is how you relate to people, it actually still does reflect a kind of self-centeredness and inability to think of others instead of just yourself. Especially if it's every single time.

If this is a good friend you can bring it up to them with an understanding that you aren’t perfect either. If you believe this person is just defective and self centered then they aren’t your friend and you should just ignore it or minimize contact. You don’t go around creating drama by criticizing people’s conversational style. They may be a one-upper, but that kind of attitude make you your own kind of bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I actually think even if the person is not intentionally one-upping, that's still one-upping.

Part of friendship and being a good conversationalist means understanding that sometimes you cede the focus to another person. If your approach to conversations is to always try to relate a story from your own life that feels similar to what someone else is saying (note that the degree to which it is similar may be subjective) that is a weak conversation strategy. Someone like this should learn to listen without always turning the conversation to their own experience. Learn to ask questions or comment directly on the other person's experience.

If this is how you relate to people, it actually still does reflect a kind of self-centeredness and inability to think of others instead of just yourself. Especially if it's every single time.

If this is a good friend you can bring it up to them with an understanding that you aren’t perfect either. If you believe this person is just defective and self centered then they aren’t your friend and you should just ignore it or minimize contact. You don’t go around creating drama by criticizing people’s conversational style. They may be a one-upper, but that kind of attitude make you your own kind of bad.

What about my post made you think that I think someone who does this is "defective" (not a word I'd used to describe a human being) or creating drama by criticizing their conversational style (i.e. gossiping about them)?

I do consider this behavior rude and think it is fine to call it out directly if it happens. Perhaps it will trigger self awareness and they will try to correct. If not, I would simply move on from the friendship. Life is too short. I view this as a maturity issue and some people get it and some don't. I am not going to baby a friend on something like this because it's something you need to correct for yourself or suffer the consequences socially.

[Anonymous]

Exactly why ghosting is picking the less potent poison. No shade to you OP, but I am curious did you observe how she handled other conflicts in her life prior to sharing your experience with her? And if you observed bad conflict resolution skills in her past, present and future, did you think she would handle your feedback differently? I am sincerely sorry about how your friend responded. You seem like a sincere and empathetic person who deserves better. Maybe she will realize that at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly why ghosting is picking the less potent poison. No shade to you OP, but I am curious did you observe how she handled other conflicts in her life prior to sharing your experience with her? And if you observed bad conflict resolution skills in her past, present and future, did you think she would handle your feedback differently? I am sincerely sorry about how your friend responded. You seem like a sincere and empathetic person who deserves better. Maybe she will realize that at some point.

OP here. I didn't know her well enough before the one upping started to observe her conflict resolution skills in general. I'd definitely never seen her get nasty with anyone, so it definitely came as a surprise when she got nasty with me.

Since then, I just avoid people like this but don't call it out. I think it's evidence of an insecure, competitive nature that probably doesn't respond well to criticism. At least, that was my experience.

[Anonymous]

My sister is like this. Even my kids have noticed it. I just address it head on and say “wow, your story wins!” Every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

I avoid people like this for the most part, but before I do, I say something like “oh you have a nanny? Which service did you use to find them?” When they answer, I just go “Oh, interesting”. And then I leave.

[Anonymous]

A former friend of mine was like this and that’s why she is a former friend. It seemed as though everything in her life was better than yours. Her bragging about her kids was particularly annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A former friend of mine was like this and that’s why she is a former friend. It seemed as though everything in her life was better than yours. Her bragging about her kids was particularly annoying.

My friend who was like this (who is also a former friend) was competitive in all directions. Anything *good* in my life, she would go one better on. But anything negative in my life was the same. Like I couldn't even have a bad day after getting laid off because apparently her work situation was worse.

Some people just can't go a single second not being the center of attention. They are best left to their own devices.

[Anonymous]

Also a former friend. On top of one-upping all the time, she would negate all of my ideas. The idea had to be hers for it to be good. For example, if we were picking a restaurant to surprise a mutual friend for our friend’s birthday, the restaurant pick had to be her suggestion. That example was minor but it rolled into every aspect of our relationship because we hung out a lot and had the same friend group. I tried to maintain contact after she moved away but I felt like she had dropped me. It’s for the best, I always felt the one-upping was a sign of some jealousy (for whatever reason).

[Anonymous]

I think you need to determine if the comment is malicious like you imply (one upping) or is the person just adding commentary and personal experience to the conversation (and perhaps you are sensitive to these things?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I completely agree. The example you gave is common and completely normal.

[Anonymous]

The DMV is full of insecure, attention seeking people who constantly do this. Many of them are subtle about it and work it in smoothly, but it's still one upping and it's incredibly obnoxious. I seriously have talked to 65 year olds here who still feel the need to insert their superiority or outshine someone in some way. "Oh your daughter got married at Congressional? Very nice..our daughter recently got married too but you see, she is kinda high profile and so is her fiancé so that would've been too pedestrian for them if you know what I mean so they got married at a super private ceremony on Martha's Vineyard"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I completely agree. The example you gave is common and completely normal.

It really depends how they say it. If they are really just relating a similar experience at a beach, then the fact that it was in Tahiti is immaterial. So if they happen to mention it was Tahiti but the focus is on the shared experience, it's not one-upping.

But I think we can all imagine someone basically seizing on the friend's beach story as an excuse to mention her vacation in Tahiti. Like if the beach experiences weren't even that similar and it's really just an excuse to change the subject to their tropical vacation. I had a colleague who used to do this with the 10 months she lived in France while her spouse was on a work assignment there. It came up a lot, and always under the pretense of relating a story to something someone else has said (which was never about France). It was just a pretense to remind everyone she'd done a semi-interesting thing one time.

So it can go either way.