The advice to call out one-uppers or competitive 'friends'

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I've totally said, "It's not a contest, Jen." Shuts them up immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I completely agree. The example you gave is common and completely normal.

It really depends how they say it. If they are really just relating a similar experience at a beach, then the fact that it was in Tahiti is immaterial. So if they happen to mention it was Tahiti but the focus is on the shared experience, it's not one-upping.

But I think we can all imagine someone basically seizing on the friend's beach story as an excuse to mention her vacation in Tahiti. Like if the beach experiences weren't even that similar and it's really just an excuse to change the subject to their tropical vacation. I had a colleague who used to do this with the 10 months she lived in France while her spouse was on a work assignment there. It came up a lot, and always under the pretense of relating a story to something someone else has said (which was never about France). It was just a pretense to remind everyone she'd done a semi-interesting thing one time.

So it can go either way.

Yes, true, it’s all in the tone & commentary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I completely agree. The example you gave is common and completely normal.

It really depends how they say it. If they are really just relating a similar experience at a beach, then the fact that it was in Tahiti is immaterial. So if they happen to mention it was Tahiti but the focus is on the shared experience, it's not one-upping.

But I think we can all imagine someone basically seizing on the friend's beach story as an excuse to mention her vacation in Tahiti. Like if the beach experiences weren't even that similar and it's really just an excuse to change the subject to their tropical vacation. I had a colleague who used to do this with the 10 months she lived in France while her spouse was on a work assignment there. It came up a lot, and always under the pretense of relating a story to something someone else has said (which was never about France). It was just a pretense to remind everyone she'd done a semi-interesting thing one time.

So it can go either way.

Yes, true, it’s all in the tone & commentary.

The story itself matters too. If I tell a story about going to the beach and randomly running into my best friend from elementary school for the first time in 20 years, and my friend jumps in with "omg I was at a beach in Tahiti and ran into this woman who used to work for my family when I was practically a baby!" that's one-upping even if the Tahiti reference isn't a huge deal.

I also assume that story is made up. The one-upper friend I had did stuff like this a lot and I often suspected her stories were exaggerations or even outright lies. It was just weird how she always had a similar story, and it was always more dramatic or interesting. So in addition to being a one-upper, I think she was a serial liar.

[Anonymous]

I love how OP brought up something perfectly fine to be annoyed at, and you still have people in this thread saying, "Oh, is it actually one-upping?"

The answer is yes. Yes it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

I completely agree. The example you gave is common and completely normal.

It really depends how they say it. If they are really just relating a similar experience at a beach, then the fact that it was in Tahiti is immaterial. So if they happen to mention it was Tahiti but the focus is on the shared experience, it's not one-upping.

But I think we can all imagine someone basically seizing on the friend's beach story as an excuse to mention her vacation in Tahiti. Like if the beach experiences weren't even that similar and it's really just an excuse to change the subject to their tropical vacation. I had a colleague who used to do this with the 10 months she lived in France while her spouse was on a work assignment there. It came up a lot, and always under the pretense of relating a story to something someone else has said (which was never about France). It was just a pretense to remind everyone she'd done a semi-interesting thing one time.

So it can go either way.

Yes, true, it’s all in the tone & commentary.

The story itself matters too. If I tell a story about going to the beach and randomly running into my best friend from elementary school for the first time in 20 years, and my friend jumps in with "omg I was at a beach in Tahiti and ran into this woman who used to work for my family when I was practically a baby!" that's one-upping even if the Tahiti reference isn't a huge deal.

I also assume that story is made up. The one-upper friend I had did stuff like this a lot and I often suspected her stories were exaggerations or even outright lies. It was just weird how she always had a similar story, and it was always more dramatic or interesting. So in addition to being a one-upper, I think she was a serial liar.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how OP brought up something perfectly fine to be annoyed at, and you still have people in this thread saying, "Oh, is it actually one-upping?"

The answer is yes. Yes it is.

People don't like recognizing that this is something they do, so they'll claim it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP of the other thread about the friend who said “kennel cough”?

[Anonymous]

Pull back or stop altogether. Don’t call her out. Really no point. She’s clueless, insecure, superior acting, or trying to connect.

You said above you are not that close of friends. Take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how OP brought up something perfectly fine to be annoyed at, and you still have people in this thread saying, "Oh, is it actually one-upping?"

The answer is yes. Yes it is.

People don't like recognizing that this is something they do, so they'll claim it's fine.

No, it’s not that. The question is whether OP should “call them out.” It takes a special kind of one-upper to try to “shut down” conversation just because it annoys you a bit. If you can’t tolerate it then just don’t see that person or walk away.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't currently have a one-upper in my life. And no, I'm not the OP of the kennel cough thread. I read that thread and saw many people saying she should "call out" the one upping. However, many years ago when I did have a friend who did this frequently in conversation, I pointed out to her that she was doing it and she got very defensive and would just argue with me about it. It was not productive. That friendship ended, which was for the best, but since then I don't "call out" one uppers, I just avoid becoming friends with them at all.

I was just curious if anyone has ever successfully gotten someone to stop one upping in conversation by pointing it out to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't currently have a one-upper in my life. And no, I'm not the OP of the kennel cough thread. I read that thread and saw many people saying she should "call out" the one upping. However, many years ago when I did have a friend who did this frequently in conversation, I pointed out to her that she was doing it and she got very defensive and would just argue with me about it. It was not productive. That friendship ended, which was for the best, but since then I don't "call out" one uppers, I just avoid becoming friends with them at all.

I was just curious if anyone has ever successfully gotten someone to stop one upping in conversation by pointing it out to them.

Unless you're prepared to say that the conversation is about you, and only you, and to not talk about themselves, there's really no way to do this that doesn't make you a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't currently have a one-upper in my life. And no, I'm not the OP of the kennel cough thread. I read that thread and saw many people saying she should "call out" the one upping. However, many years ago when I did have a friend who did this frequently in conversation, I pointed out to her that she was doing it and she got very defensive and would just argue with me about it. It was not productive. That friendship ended, which was for the best, but since then I don't "call out" one uppers, I just avoid becoming friends with them at all.

I was just curious if anyone has ever successfully gotten someone to stop one upping in conversation by pointing it out to them.

Unless you're prepared to say that the conversation is about you, and only you, and to not talk about themselves, there's really no way to do this that doesn't make you a hypocrite.

Disagree. One-upping is an identifiable behavior. It's not just sharing a related anecdote from your own life -- it is "topping" whatever the other person has said and, in so doing, shifting the focus of the conversation to your more dramatic or exciting topic. People who do this consistently are not sharing focus or participating in a back and forth.

It is not hypocritical to dislike that behavior. Everyone has known people like this. My dad is like this, for instance, and everyone who knows him is aware it stems from his narcissism and inability to actually listen to or care about other people. It's frankly weird to defend the behavior so hard.