The advice to call out one-uppers or competitive 'friends'

[Anonymous]

For purposes of this conversation, a one-upper is someone who always seems to want to 'top' everything you say. So like if you tell a friend your kid got a cold at daycare and the cough has really been lingering, she will one-up you by saying 'oh my nanny ensures my child never gets that kind of illness.' The one-upping isn't always just to be superior, sometimes it can be for attention or sympathy. Like if you are with a group of friends and describing a difficult situation at work, a one-upper might jump in with 'oh I'm dealing with that too, only it's worse because...'

When this behavior comes up on DCUM, I often see the advice to call it out, every time, until they stop.

Has anyone ever actually done this, and did it work? I am curious because the one time I had a friend like this in my life, I attempted to call it out and she started flipping it around on me and saying I was too sensitive or was misinterpreting her comments. It turned into an argument. Eventually I just quit being friends with her. But calling it out had no impact and I think just made her defensive.

So I'm just interested to hear if anyone has ever done this successfully. I find this behavior really obnoxious and actually wish there was a good way to get someone to become self aware about it and stop but in my experience, there is not.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to not be friends with these people. What are you getting out of your relationship with them??

[Anonymous]

Try not engaging and changing the subject. But honestly, maybe it's best not to be friends with someone like you described.

[Anonymous]

I would just ignore it unless it was a relative or a close friend.

[Anonymous]

You just got to let it go an choose how much time you want to spend with them. Everyone else sees it too. I’m in my late 40’s and there are still people that do it as this age. I’m convinced it’s part of some sort of personality issue.

[Anonymous]

Ignor
End the friendship or
Continue to call out the behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just got to let it go an choose how much time you want to spend with them. Everyone else sees it too. I’m in my late 40’s and there are still people that do it as this age. I’m convinced it’s part of some sort of personality issue.

Agree in general except that people do not always see it. Especially if the one-upper targets their behavior at one person in the group. I have seen a manipulative behavior where a person will always one-up one specific person, while flattering and deferring to other people in the group. I think sometimes it's a way to try and sideline a person in the group that the one-upper views as a rival or threat.

The behavior can be subtle enough that if you aren't on the receiving end of it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Let it go or just don’t hang out with them.

[Anonymous]

Ignore, or say we don't know if they got it from day care or somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have also seen friends in a group complain about this (not from me). I do sometimes think some people are very sensitive and the person who is supposedly one-upping them actually isn't. It's kind of complex sometimes, not always clear cut.

To add: sometimes the person is just trying to relate and the "receiver" views it as one upping. For ex: Person A is telling a story about something that happened at a local beach and then person B relates a similar story about something that happened to them at a beach in Tahiti. Intent is not to one up locale but to share in similar story. Person A views it as one upping, Person B thinks they're sharing stories about what happened on the beach.

[Anonymous]

Well yes, “calling out” makes anyone defensive. Maybe if you tried addressing it with more tact and simple non reaction or a gentle side conversation…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For purposes of this conversation, a one-upper is someone who always seems to want to 'top' everything you say. So like if you tell a friend your kid got a cold at daycare and the cough has really been lingering, she will one-up you by saying 'oh my nanny ensures my child never gets that kind of illness.' The one-upping isn't always just to be superior, sometimes it can be for attention or sympathy. Like if you are with a group of friends and describing a difficult situation at work, a one-upper might jump in with 'oh I'm dealing with that too, only it's worse because...'

When this behavior comes up on DCUM, I often see the advice to call it out, every time, until they stop.

Has anyone ever actually done this, and did it work? I am curious because the one time I had a friend like this in my life, I attempted to call it out and she started flipping it around on me and saying I was too sensitive or was misinterpreting her comments. It turned into an argument. Eventually I just quit being friends with her. But calling it out had no impact and I think just made her defensive.

So I'm just interested to hear if anyone has ever done this successfully. I find this behavior really obnoxious and actually wish there was a good way to get someone to become self aware about it and stop but in my experience, there is not.

Wut

[Anonymous]

Why are taking real life advice from internet randos on DCUM?

Calling out this behavior is nearly as socially clueless as the rude one-upper herself.

Just ignore and take pity on the insecure and socially unaware one - upper and go on with your day.