Low contact with mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this possible? I want to see her at family events, be cordial, but not have weekly phone calls etc.

Anytime we get too “close” if there is ever an argument, it goes completely off the rails and she has a complete meltdown and says so many things she shouldn’t. If you ever mention something she said, she says you’re a liar. If we don’t get in any disagreements, things are fine. But, I can’t avoid them if I talk to her too much, because she will lose her temper about something. I wish it could be different. I love her but for my own health, I need it to be like a casual friend you see often but don’t keep in touch with yourself. I don’t want to create drama but I can’t expose myself to that. I was used to it growing up but after my kids recently saw an outburst, I just need some space. Not sure for how long.

So far, she is not understanding what is happening and is very upset. But I can’t do a deeper level at this time. I just don’t have it in me.

Any thoughts or advice?

Go NC with her. I did this this year with my mom and it's been peaceful ever since. Why do you want to remain in the relationship? You don't owe her anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And be careful what you share. It will be weaponized if she’s likes to smell blood.m.

think about this. WHY would you want to maintain a relationship with someone like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so wary of all these stories that I go the opposite direction and never really hit up my kids. If they hit me up I often take up to a half hour to call them back and try to adjust my demeanor ahead of time.

I felt like my divorced parents terrorized me with their required phone calls - dad had to have it at 7am and I had to pick up, mom called me up to 10 times a day to the point where my work told me they could not stop keep patching her through. She was just sitting on her bed all day with an old fashioned corded phone by her side, trying to look up old HS people by calling operators and asking for listings. (No internet yet)

So now I hate to get an unexpected phone call at all. Like it truly startles me.

Your mom sounds like my mom, only she is using the internet to "connect with long-lost friends". She then proceeds to call them weekly, and not all are reciprocal, especially the spouses of these people. I've had one lady reach out to me via social media to "please ask your mother to stop contacting my husband, it is most inappopriate." This is someone she dated in HS. Everyone's in their late 60s now. To say that I am embarrassed for her is an understatement. And no, she doesn't have dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so wary of all these stories that I go the opposite direction and never really hit up my kids. If they hit me up I often take up to a half hour to call them back and try to adjust my demeanor ahead of time.

I felt like my divorced parents terrorized me with their required phone calls - dad had to have it at 7am and I had to pick up, mom called me up to 10 times a day to the point where my work told me they could not stop keep patching her through. She was just sitting on her bed all day with an old fashioned corded phone by her side, trying to look up old HS people by calling operators and asking for listings. (No internet yet)

So now I hate to get an unexpected phone call at all. Like it truly startles me.

There are therapists who talk about this. Those of us with narc parents don't want "to bother" our own kids with phone calls. Then, our kids think we don't care.

Something to look out for...

[Anonymous]

My mom was super enmeshed with me and my sisters, but also constantly triangulated the three of us so it was always her using one of us to trash the other two. Our parents were divorced and neither mom nor dad ever wanted all of us at one time, then we were all sent to different boarding schools at 14. I never grew close with my sisters as a result.

In the 90s she decided she was going to be a Beanie Babies mogul selling them on eBay, then got super upset when she went on vacation and I was apparently supposed to monitor her account and end an auction. I didn't and her account got suspended and forever after that I was the one who was blamed for her being left with 2000 Beanie Babies or something. (She could have sold them all! If only I had done what she'd asked!)

I find myself being very hands off with my own adult kids as a result and they actually do seem to wonder why I don't call them 12 times a day like my mom used to.

I just congratulate myself that they're all productive human adults but I am always terrified of alienating them in the same way getting into their business etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so wary of all these stories that I go the opposite direction and never really hit up my kids. If they hit me up I often take up to a half hour to call them back and try to adjust my demeanor ahead of time.

I felt like my divorced parents terrorized me with their required phone calls - dad had to have it at 7am and I had to pick up, mom called me up to 10 times a day to the point where my work told me they could not stop keep patching her through. She was just sitting on her bed all day with an old fashioned corded phone by her side, trying to look up old HS people by calling operators and asking for listings. (No internet yet)

So now I hate to get an unexpected phone call at all. Like it truly startles me.

Your mom sounds like my mom, only she is using the internet to "connect with long-lost friends". She then proceeds to call them weekly, and not all are reciprocal, especially the spouses of these people. I've had one lady reach out to me via social media to "please ask your mother to stop contacting my husband, it is most inappopriate." This is someone she dated in HS. Everyone's in their late 60s now. To say that I am embarrassed for her is an understatement. And no, she doesn't have dementia.

Back in the days before cell phones, my mom used to literally sit on her bed with the corded telephone looking up old friends from her Minnesota HS in the 50s and trying to brag about how she now lived in Manhattan. (Can you believe lil me lives in New York City?) Back then you would just call operators and give them names and get connected. She would call her male classmates first because they still had the same names, and get more numbers from them for her female classmates.

Then one day she called a classmate who apparently spent her time between a Napa valley winery, a home in the BVIs and they also had a very nice address in Manhattan and she apparently could not get off the phone quickly enough when the classmate suggested they get together the next time she was in the city.

I still lol remembering my mom being like, "who does she think she is bragging about all that"

She never made it to Facebook but that would have been wild. The Napa valley lady did find me on FB and asked me what happened to my mom she never heard from her again, so I sussed that one out.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what the mom is losing her temper about? How old are you? Are you unable to pay your rent, your traffic tickets, and is mom giving out on you and you are a user?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so wary of all these stories that I go the opposite direction and never really hit up my kids. If they hit me up I often take up to a half hour to call them back and try to adjust my demeanor ahead of time.

I felt like my divorced parents terrorized me with their required phone calls - dad had to have it at 7am and I had to pick up, mom called me up to 10 times a day to the point where my work told me they could not stop keep patching her through. She was just sitting on her bed all day with an old fashioned corded phone by her side, trying to look up old HS people by calling operators and asking for listings. (No internet yet)

So now I hate to get an unexpected phone call at all. Like it truly startles me.

Your mom sounds like my mom, only she is using the internet to "connect with long-lost friends". She then proceeds to call them weekly, and not all are reciprocal, especially the spouses of these people. I've had one lady reach out to me via social media to "please ask your mother to stop contacting my husband, it is most inappopriate." This is someone she dated in HS. Everyone's in their late 60s now. To say that I am embarrassed for her is an understatement. And no, she doesn't have dementia.

Back in the days before cell phones, my mom used to literally sit on her bed with the corded telephone looking up old friends from her Minnesota HS in the 50s and trying to brag about how she now lived in Manhattan. (Can you believe lil me lives in New York City?) Back then you would just call operators and give them names and get connected. She would call her male classmates first because they still had the same names, and get more numbers from them for her female classmates.

Then one day she called a classmate who apparently spent her time between a Napa valley winery, a home in the BVIs and they also had a very nice address in Manhattan and she apparently could not get off the phone quickly enough when the classmate suggested they get together the next time she was in the city.

I still lol remembering my mom being like, "who does she think she is bragging about all that"

She never made it to Facebook but that would have been wild. The Napa valley lady did find me on FB and asked me what happened to my mom she never heard from her again, so I sussed that one out.

I am afraid to ask if you're one of my sisters

[Anonymous]

I’ve been polite/low contact with my mom for a long time and until recently it worked well ( for me.) it wasn’t without challenges - my sister ended up dealing with her/hosting her a lot more than I did due to geographic proximity and a different relationship, that did create some resentment on my sister’s end, which I fully understand. And when my mother had a health crisis, we really both have needed to be deeply involved and I’m doing my best to be dutiful although it feels weird after a very distant relationship a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been polite/low contact with my mom for a long time and until recently it worked well ( for me.) it wasn’t without challenges - my sister ended up dealing with her/hosting her a lot more than I did due to geographic proximity and a different relationship, that did create some resentment on my sister’s end, which I fully understand. And when my mother had a health crisis, we really both have needed to be deeply involved and I’m doing my best to be dutiful although it feels weird after a very distant relationship a long time.

Why do you feel you have to be involved after such a strained relationship.
My mom was not very involved in her parents care because she moved away, and she's made a point to tell me that she's not available to even spend time with my kids unless we travel to her...
So, why when the script flips and she's the one who needs help, should I drop everything/ or do more than I am comfortable with to help her?
Adult relationships are two way relationships....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You def need to keep things light with her. What is the subject of the weekly calls? My mom always wanted to be so intense with what she talked about: controversial social issues, politics, major health problems (real or imagined). It was too much. Now I call 2-3 times a month, let her vent about what she wants but don't react or ask any follow-up questions, and this has helped a lot. After about 10 or 15 minutes, she gets bored with me and says she has to go. I can tell she is frustrated and wants more contact, but this is what I can handle for my own sanity. Could this work for you?

This is classic grey rock. You just give almost nothing and no reaction and don't provide personal details about yourself or your family. OP, you could try this and see how it works and then decide whether you need to just have the boundary of going low contact.

Op here. Thanks, PPs. I have tried this and it goes very very badly. She know about it or knows I’m creating distance and gets incredibly angry. I think it is easier in person because we can talk about the food or some other small talk thing where she won’t notice that I’m not sharing anything.

It is also challenging to do the slow fade with calls because she and my dad live together. Sometimes my dad understands and other times he tries to get us to talk, which again, goes south.

If this is the case you need to just go no contact. Try to talk to your dad first and tell him you'll be back, and you love him immensely, and then tell both of them that things are very stressful in your life and you're going to be funnelling all your energy into your immediate work and family and issues and that's all you want to say about it. And then go no contact, for at least 3 months. Then re-evaluate after 3 months but really, try to keep it going for 6 months. Are you seeing a therapist yourself? If not, and you can, do. Have some support through this, someone who can help you with things to do and say if she insists on trying to break your no contact boundary. If you can't do a therapist, then look online, maybe look up how to deal with narcissists even if you don't think your mom is one. A lot of what you've said soudns like one, and the advice on how to go no contact with a narcissist may be very helpful.