Low contact with mother?

[Anonymous]

Is this possible? I want to see her at family events, be cordial, but not have weekly phone calls etc.

Anytime we get too “close” if there is ever an argument, it goes completely off the rails and she has a complete meltdown and says so many things she shouldn’t. If you ever mention something she said, she says you’re a liar. If we don’t get in any disagreements, things are fine. But, I can’t avoid them if I talk to her too much, because she will lose her temper about something. I wish it could be different. I love her but for my own health, I need it to be like a casual friend you see often but don’t keep in touch with yourself. I don’t want to create drama but I can’t expose myself to that. I was used to it growing up but after my kids recently saw an outburst, I just need some space. Not sure for how long.

So far, she is not understanding what is happening and is very upset. But I can’t do a deeper level at this time. I just don’t have it in me.

Any thoughts or advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this possible? I want to see her at family events, be cordial, but not have weekly phone calls etc.

Anytime we get too “close” if there is ever an argument, it goes completely off the rails and she has a complete meltdown and says so many things she shouldn’t. If you ever mention something she said, she says you’re a liar. If we don’t get in any disagreements, things are fine. But, I can’t avoid them if I talk to her too much, because she will lose her temper about something. I wish it could be different. I love her but for my own health, I need it to be like a casual friend you see often but don’t keep in touch with yourself. I don’t want to create drama but I can’t expose myself to that. I was used to it growing up but after my kids recently saw an outburst, I just need some space. Not sure for how long.

So far, she is not understanding what is happening and is very upset. But I can’t do a deeper level at this time. I just don’t have it in me.

Any thoughts or advice?

My mom is very difficult. I just told how I felt and what I was going to do about it. She cried and tried to manipulate and guilt me (the only thing she knows). I distanced myself and after about 2 years she got the message. Things were good for a while then she tried guilting me to returning for Christmas and blaming my husband for forcing me not to come. I reminded her of her behavior and the fact that I maintain boundaries to protect my mental health. This time she apologized ‘for being such a bad mother’ which would have been fine - but she followed it up with a sob story and massive guilt trip. She can’t change and now I just stopped expecting her to. We’re good! I keep my distance and she hasn’t tried to intrude on my boundaries in a while. Best our relationship has ever been. I did go through mourning of realizing I’d never have the mother I needed and wanted.

[Anonymous]

Do the slow fade with the calls.

She will never understand. Do what YOU need to do.

[Anonymous]

I did the slow fade and then my parents' moved into my sister's apartment building. This has worked pretty well! I highly recommend trying to get her to invest more heavily in sibling, if you have one.

[Anonymous]

You def need to keep things light with her. What is the subject of the weekly calls? My mom always wanted to be so intense with what she talked about: controversial social issues, politics, major health problems (real or imagined). It was too much. Now I call 2-3 times a month, let her vent about what she wants but don't react or ask any follow-up questions, and this has helped a lot. After about 10 or 15 minutes, she gets bored with me and says she has to go. I can tell she is frustrated and wants more contact, but this is what I can handle for my own sanity. Could this work for you?

[Anonymous]

This is not quite what you're asking, but I found that I do best with my mom in a more controlled environment (out for lunch, let's say) or a phone call when I'm out walking. Anytime she called me, when it wasn't a very convenient time, I'd let it go to voicemail.

When I was ready to call her (I did talk to her more frequently than once a week, but you can do this once a month or whatever), I'd psych myself up and steel myself not to be baited, and I'd maintain an even keel. If the topic went south, I'd say I need to go and hang up.

With practice, these conversations went better. If there is a way you can practice positive reinforcement with her, and "reward" good behavior, it might get slightly better. Or not.

I also found redirecting to be helpful, just like you would with a child who wants a cookie. You laugh and change the subject. This is why it is essential you only call when you have the energy to manage the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You def need to keep things light with her. What is the subject of the weekly calls? My mom always wanted to be so intense with what she talked about: controversial social issues, politics, major health problems (real or imagined). It was too much. Now I call 2-3 times a month, let her vent about what she wants but don't react or ask any follow-up questions, and this has helped a lot. After about 10 or 15 minutes, she gets bored with me and says she has to go. I can tell she is frustrated and wants more contact, but this is what I can handle for my own sanity. Could this work for you?

This is classic grey rock. You just give almost nothing and no reaction and don't provide personal details about yourself or your family. OP, you could try this and see how it works and then decide whether you need to just have the boundary of going low contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this possible? I want to see her at family events, be cordial, but not have weekly phone calls etc.

Anytime we get too “close” if there is ever an argument, it goes completely off the rails and she has a complete meltdown and says so many things she shouldn’t. If you ever mention something she said, she says you’re a liar. If we don’t get in any disagreements, things are fine. But, I can’t avoid them if I talk to her too much, because she will lose her temper about something. I wish it could be different. I love her but for my own health, I need it to be like a casual friend you see often but don’t keep in touch with yourself. I don’t want to create drama but I can’t expose myself to that. I was used to it growing up but after my kids recently saw an outburst, I just need some space. Not sure for how long.

So far, she is not understanding what is happening and is very upset. But I can’t do a deeper level at this time. I just don’t have it in me.

Any thoughts or advice?

Same. Mine gets into manipulation and reminding me of my grandparents, her long dead parents, as if that’s supposed to send me in a guilt trip and get me in line. It’s toxic. She and my father needed therapy all their lives but never went, so as a result they’re convinced it’s everyone else but them with the problem. Now in their 70s they still think it’s everyone else.

[Anonymous]

And be careful what you share. It will be weaponized if she’s likes to smell blood.m.

[Anonymous]

Tell her once clearly and concisely and kindly the behavior you are seeing and how it impacts you and what you are going to do moving forward if the behavior does not change. This is for your own conscience. She will twist it and make it awful and be hysterical and it won't change anything. Have zero expectations.

Once you've done that, stick to your boundary.

[Anonymous]

Look at what kind of relationship she had with her own mother, too. She may be looking to replicate that, wants a mama’s girl who spills the beans and then cries for help picking them up.

[Anonymous]

My advice is this: low contact did not work for me, only no contact did. I never regretted nc, I almost always regretted letting her weasel back in, even minimally. YMMV

[Anonymous]

So if you didn't call OP, she'd call you. Sometimes. That, alone, would be less calling.

And you need to "get off the phone" immediately when things go south

Does she drink? A lot of these relationships problems are between alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You def need to keep things light with her. What is the subject of the weekly calls? My mom always wanted to be so intense with what she talked about: controversial social issues, politics, major health problems (real or imagined). It was too much. Now I call 2-3 times a month, let her vent about what she wants but don't react or ask any follow-up questions, and this has helped a lot. After about 10 or 15 minutes, she gets bored with me and says she has to go. I can tell she is frustrated and wants more contact, but this is what I can handle for my own sanity. Could this work for you?

This is classic grey rock. You just give almost nothing and no reaction and don't provide personal details about yourself or your family. OP, you could try this and see how it works and then decide whether you need to just have the boundary of going low contact.

Op here. Thanks, PPs. I have tried this and it goes very very badly. She know about it or knows I’m creating distance and gets incredibly angry. I think it is easier in person because we can talk about the food or some other small talk thing where she won’t notice that I’m not sharing anything.

It is also challenging to do the slow fade with calls because she and my dad live together. Sometimes my dad understands and other times he tries to get us to talk, which again, goes south.

[Anonymous]

I am so wary of all these stories that I go the opposite direction and never really hit up my kids. If they hit me up I often take up to a half hour to call them back and try to adjust my demeanor ahead of time.

I felt like my divorced parents terrorized me with their required phone calls - dad had to have it at 7am and I had to pick up, mom called me up to 10 times a day to the point where my work told me they could not stop keep patching her through. She was just sitting on her bed all day with an old fashioned corded phone by her side, trying to look up old HS people by calling operators and asking for listings. (No internet yet)

So now I hate to get an unexpected phone call at all. Like it truly startles me.