35, pregnant, and unwed.

[Anonymous]

Your family is worried about you, that maybe this guy isn't the one because it never worked out before. Also they could be very traditional and old fashioned. My parents would have been livid if this had happened to me, because they are so religious.

I would really think about if this is what you want or not. Even if you don't want to hear the message, maybe they are onto something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sometimes men realize or know things about other men that men don't realize or know. it's kinda interesting that all the men in your family are unenthusiastic about all this. maybe they know something you don't. hopefully not.

if you guys want to get married, why aren't you married already? I mean if you are waiting until you are out of the miscarriage window, that kinda indicates that you WOULDNT be married without the pregnancy.

I think he’s more so the men think I’m a baby. My aunt wanted me to pull my uncle aside before telling others I was pregnant because she said he’s so protective of me. I thought that was bizarre.

Kind of give you better insight into my family, our entire family gets together for Thanksgiving at a beach house for a week every year. We rotate taking turns hosting, and last year it happened to be aunt and uncle. I asked if it was okay to bring my SO. My aunt (my mom’s sister) said she was fine with it but wanted me to ask my uncle separately for permission because “it would make him feel better” and that she was requiring my other cousins do the same when asking to bring their SO. My other cousins were 19 and 20 y/o last year…. I thought asking me to go through that extra hoop was weird, so I opted out.

Why aren’t we married yet? I didn’t find out I was pregnant until last month. He just asked for my dad’s permission the day after Thanksgiving. Then we told him I was pregnant a couple of days later (was hoping it would soften the blow). He’s getting my ring custom made and he knows that I still would like a surprise proposal (still want some of the traditional things). It’s only been a few weeks since we found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they don't like him...

I picked up on that too. Op
Says she’s been dating him since she was 18 but her family “has only been around him a few times”?? Big omission in OP’s story there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes men realize or know things about other men that men don't realize or know. it's kinda interesting that all the men in your family are unenthusiastic about all this. maybe they know something you don't. hopefully not.

if you guys want to get married, why aren't you married already? I mean if you are waiting until you are out of the miscarriage window, that kinda indicates that you WOULDNT be married without the pregnancy.

I think he’s more so the men think I’m a baby. My aunt wanted me to pull my uncle aside before telling others I was pregnant because she said he’s so protective of me. I thought that was bizarre.

Kind of give you better insight into my family, our entire family gets together for Thanksgiving at a beach house for a week every year. We rotate taking turns hosting, and last year it happened to be aunt and uncle. I asked if it was okay to bring my SO. My aunt (my mom’s sister) said she was fine with it but wanted me to ask my uncle separately for permission because “it would make him feel better” and that she was requiring my other cousins do the same when asking to bring their SO. My other cousins were 19 and 20 y/o last year…. I thought asking me to go through that extra hoop was weird, so I opted out.

Why aren’t we married yet? I didn’t find out I was pregnant until last month. He just asked for my dad’s permission the day after Thanksgiving. Then we told him I was pregnant a couple of days later (was hoping it would soften the blow). He’s getting my ring custom made and he knows that I still would like a surprise proposal (still want some of the traditional things). It’s only been a few weeks since we found out.

Op you aren’t being fully honest est with us or yourself. Now you are saying that after 17 years of being together he decided to marry you only because you are pregnant (“lessen the blow”). He could have married you any time during those 17 years but didn’t. He’s not a regular around your family. You let yourself get pregnant. I suspect you did this on purpose and now he’s getting hoodwinked into marrying you. Of course your family is concerned.

You also excuse your situation by saying to your dad you can’t take on “preparing for a wedding of 199” but balk at the simple justice of the peace solution with nice wedding after. Boyfriend doesn’t want to do that, am I correct?

Yes, there is a difference in how your boyfriend’s family will react compared to yours. You are the female and you are the one with the problems. He can walk anytime he wants.

You know the answers. You just want to pile on your family here, and get our sympathy. Get your act together and get a simple wedding … unless boyfriend refuses. Easy, done.

It’s also telling that you have said nothing about finances or how you are going to support this baby alone. No wonder your family is concerned. They are also concerned that by having this baby you make yourself less eligible for other marriage opportunities post 36. Very few men want to marry a woman with another man’s baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they don't like him...

I picked up on that too. Op
Says she’s been dating him since she was 18 but her family “has only been around him a few times”?? Big omission in OP’s story there

I didn’t say we’ve been dating since 18. I said I’ve known him when I was 18 and we tried dating throughout the years.

This is the first time he and I have been in a relationship. We tried, mainly in our young 20s, to date but we didn’t get into anything exclusive. He lived hours away during that time, so between us not being exclusive and the distance there was no need to ever meet my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes men realize or know things about other men that men don't realize or know. it's kinda interesting that all the men in your family are unenthusiastic about all this. maybe they know something you don't. hopefully not.

if you guys want to get married, why aren't you married already? I mean if you are waiting until you are out of the miscarriage window, that kinda indicates that you WOULDNT be married without the pregnancy.

I think he’s more so the men think I’m a baby. My aunt wanted me to pull my uncle aside before telling others I was pregnant because she said he’s so protective of me. I thought that was bizarre.

Kind of give you better insight into my family, our entire family gets together for Thanksgiving at a beach house for a week every year. We rotate taking turns hosting, and last year it happened to be aunt and uncle. I asked if it was okay to bring my SO. My aunt (my mom’s sister) said she was fine with it but wanted me to ask my uncle separately for permission because “it would make him feel better” and that she was requiring my other cousins do the same when asking to bring their SO. My other cousins were 19 and 20 y/o last year…. I thought asking me to go through that extra hoop was weird, so I opted out.

Why aren’t we married yet? I didn’t find out I was pregnant until last month. He just asked for my dad’s permission the day after Thanksgiving. Then we told him I was pregnant a couple of days later (was hoping it would soften the blow). He’s getting my ring custom made and he knows that I still would like a surprise proposal (still want some of the traditional things). It’s only been a few weeks since we found out.

Op you aren’t being fully honest est with us or yourself. Now you are saying that after 17 years of being together he decided to marry you only because you are pregnant (“lessen the blow”). He could have married you any time during those 17 years but didn’t. He’s not a regular around your family. You let yourself get pregnant. I suspect you did this on purpose and now he’s getting hoodwinked into marrying you. Of course your family is concerned.

You also excuse your situation by saying to your dad you can’t take on “preparing for a wedding of 199” but balk at the simple justice of the peace solution with nice wedding after. Boyfriend doesn’t want to do that, am I correct?

Yes, there is a difference in how your boyfriend’s family will react compared to yours. You are the female and you are the one with the problems. He can walk anytime he wants.

You know the answers. You just want to pile on your family here, and get our sympathy. Get your act together and get a simple wedding … unless boyfriend refuses. Easy, done.

It’s also telling that you have said nothing about finances or how you are going to support this baby alone. No wonder your family is concerned. They are also concerned that by having this baby you make yourself less eligible for other marriage opportunities post 36. Very few men want to marry a woman with another man’s baby.

Where did I say we’ve been together for 17 years? In fact, in my OP I said we’ve been together 1.5 years.

My SO and I have been happily together for 1.5 years. We met when I was 18, tried dating throughout the years but the timing was always off until recently.

This is the first time he and I have been in a relationship. We tried, mainly in our young 20s, to date but we didn’t get into anything exclusive. He lived hours away during that time, so between us not being exclusive and the distance there was no need to ever meet my family.

[Anonymous]

Why not comment about why they don't like him?

Or they think you're unstable and this is a bad idea.

When your family doesn't celebrate they are communicating something about the situation not being good. This isn't just your Dad. Your entire family had the same reaction. Why?

[Anonymous]

They are within the realm of normal, especially if traditional and/or religious, so no need to get huffy about their reaction, but yes to having close family members that want to be there come to the courthouse and yes to setting a date ASAP and locking it in. Maybe even get a dress now so when he proposes you can go to the courthouse right then for the license and get married as soon as eveyone can convene...I think this could be romantic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not comment about why they don't like him?

Or they think you're unstable and this is a bad idea.

When your family doesn't celebrate they are communicating something about the situation not being good. This isn't just your Dad. Your entire family had the same reaction. Why?

No, my aunts were excited. My uncle and dad were not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are within the realm of normal, especially if traditional and/or religious, so no need to get huffy about their reaction, but yes to having close family members that want to be there come to the courthouse and yes to setting a date ASAP and locking it in. Maybe even get a dress now so when he proposes you can go to the courthouse right then for the license and get married as soon as eveyone can convene...I think this could be romantic

My aunt got pregnant at 16, the other eloped. My uncle, who is a pastor by the way, has a son who had a baby out of wedlock when was 23? His other son is gay and solicits himself online, while his daughter although is married, her husband cheated on her and had a baby outside of the marriage but they think he walks on water. My dad wants to marry a woman half his age after knowing her for 3 months and only 1.5 after my mom’s passing but this is a “rushed job”. My other uncle went to jail but two adults sharing a bed is off limits (Thanksgiving), or having a baby out of wedlock at 35 & 36 is too much?

I think it’s the hypocrisy and the initializing that I’m having a hard time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are within the realm of normal, especially if traditional and/or religious, so no need to get huffy about their reaction, but yes to having close family members that want to be there come to the courthouse and yes to setting a date ASAP and locking it in. Maybe even get a dress now so when he proposes you can go to the courthouse right then for the license and get married as soon as eveyone can convene...I think this could be romantic

My aunt got pregnant at 16, the other eloped. My uncle, who is a pastor by the way, has a son who had a baby out of wedlock when was 23? His other son is gay and solicits himself online, while his daughter although is married, her husband cheated on her and had a baby outside of the marriage but they think he walks on water. My dad wants to marry a woman half his age after knowing her for 3 months and only 1.5 after my mom’s passing but this is a “rushed job”. My other uncle went to jail but two adults sharing a bed is off limits (Thanksgiving), or having a baby out of wedlock at 35 & 36 is too much?

I think it’s the hypocrisy and the initializing that I’m having a hard time with.

*Infantilizing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes men realize or know things about other men that men don't realize or know. it's kinda interesting that all the men in your family are unenthusiastic about all this. maybe they know something you don't. hopefully not.

if you guys want to get married, why aren't you married already? I mean if you are waiting until you are out of the miscarriage window, that kinda indicates that you WOULDNT be married without the pregnancy.

I think he’s more so the men think I’m a baby. My aunt wanted me to pull my uncle aside before telling others I was pregnant because she said he’s so protective of me. I thought that was bizarre.

Kind of give you better insight into my family, our entire family gets together for Thanksgiving at a beach house for a week every year. We rotate taking turns hosting, and last year it happened to be aunt and uncle. I asked if it was okay to bring my SO. My aunt (my mom’s sister) said she was fine with it but wanted me to ask my uncle separately for permission because “it would make him feel better” and that she was requiring my other cousins do the same when asking to bring their SO. My other cousins were 19 and 20 y/o last year…. I thought asking me to go through that extra hoop was weird, so I opted out.

Why aren’t we married yet? I didn’t find out I was pregnant until last month. He just asked for my dad’s permission the day after Thanksgiving. Then we told him I was pregnant a couple of days later (was hoping it would soften the blow). He’s getting my ring custom made and he knows that I still would like a surprise proposal (still want some of the traditional things). It’s only been a few weeks since we found out.

Oh I remember your post! I'm glad you didn't go. So knowing that, I think your family is just weird or from a different culture. I doubt its anything to do with your fiancé, it's that you're a woman and they will judge you no matter what. And I say that as someone who is pretty traditional about premarital pregnancy. Your dad is giving you a hard time no matter what. He wanted you to be married, you are getting married. But he doesn't like the way you're doing it and complaining about that too. It sounds like your family thinks they own you, I am so sorry your mom is not there to be a buffer and support you. Look, I'd do a small ceremony and invite your dad and stay civil, but I would not try to hard to please him or have a deep relationship. I would lean into your in-laws, who seem nicer.

[Anonymous]

They are worried about you, somewhat overprotective, and know something you don't about your SO. Your SO is a loser who did not marry you right away. I agree with your dad.

[Anonymous]

Is your fiance from a different culture?

Kind of sounds like the men in your family are super traditionalist/conservative.

And look, a baby is a way way bigger commitment and more permanent connection. If you want to make this relationship work you can't let people insert themselves. You need to be confident. If there's something about you that doubts your fiance, that's a different conversation.

But you're 35 years old, you need to know what you want and you need to do what's best for you and your child. What's best for the kid absolutely comes before what your Dad or uncle thinks.

[Anonymous]

Truly, I do not judge you in that I also got pregnant before getting married. And we are doing very well, so I don't think it means your relationship is doomed by any means.

What I do think is a little odd is that you want to have things both ways: You want your dad to give "permission" for you to get married and have a big traditional wedding. But you also want to be a 35-year-old woman who can make her own decisions about when to have a baby and with whom. Sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too, but not here. I would let go of the idea that your dad is going to enthusiastically "bless" this wedding. If you trust your fiance and yourself, go forward with confidence. If not, ask yourself why.

Also:If you're planning to have a courthouse wedding, what's the holdup? Just do it now.