Any competitive sports/divorce parents on here right now?

[Anonymous]

If he's going to be difficult, he's going to be difficult. If it's not this, it'll be something else, because attacking you is how he alleviates his guilt. You can keep your communications with him very flat and boring. If he asks when it is, respond with a link to the club website. If he asks if the kids want him to come, say "Well, you could ask them" or "I'm not sure" or something.

You need to accept that your kids will be upset, they will be angry, and they will be very much off their game in every aspect of life. You can't fix it. They're maybe going to lose their jumps for a while. Be at peace with it and stop trying to fix it. Your kids will be better off with you accepting that things are what they are, rather than trying to optimize it by overthinking every little thing. I said on another thread, dumped wives tend to do this "salvaging" behavior where they're trying their very hardest to minimize the impact on the kids, and it just doesn't work very well. Do everyone a favor and accept that they'll be impacted and may have a bad year skating. Divorce is damaging and the best thing we can do is see it clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be difficult, he's going to be difficult. If it's not this, it'll be something else, because attacking you is how he alleviates his guilt. You can keep your communications with him very flat and boring. If he asks when it is, respond with a link to the club website. If he asks if the kids want him to come, say "Well, you could ask them" or "I'm not sure" or something.

You need to accept that your kids will be upset, they will be angry, and they will be very much off their game in every aspect of life. You can't fix it. They're maybe going to lose their jumps for a while. Be at peace with it and stop trying to fix it. Your kids will be better off with you accepting that things are what they are, rather than trying to optimize it by overthinking every little thing. I said on another thread, dumped wives tend to do this "salvaging" behavior where they're trying their very hardest to minimize the impact on the kids, and it just doesn't work very well. Do everyone a favor and accept that they'll be impacted and may have a bad year skating. Divorce is damaging and the best thing we can do is see it clearly.

Thank you. This is a realistic way to see it.

It hurts to know that he chose this and they have to suffer for it.

The oldest is at an up-or-out point in skating where if things don’t come together for her this season, she’ll probably have to move on to a different version of the sport (like synchro) or leave it altogether. I hate this for her. She’s hard on herself and can’t see that this isn’t about her shortcomings but about the weight of having to live through an adult’s decision and the problems it’s created.

I wish I could make this impact only me and not my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be difficult, he's going to be difficult. If it's not this, it'll be something else, because attacking you is how he alleviates his guilt. You can keep your communications with him very flat and boring. If he asks when it is, respond with a link to the club website. If he asks if the kids want him to come, say "Well, you could ask them" or "I'm not sure" or something.

You need to accept that your kids will be upset, they will be angry, and they will be very much off their game in every aspect of life. You can't fix it. They're maybe going to lose their jumps for a while. Be at peace with it and stop trying to fix it. Your kids will be better off with you accepting that things are what they are, rather than trying to optimize it by overthinking every little thing. I said on another thread, dumped wives tend to do this "salvaging" behavior where they're trying their very hardest to minimize the impact on the kids, and it just doesn't work very well. Do everyone a favor and accept that they'll be impacted and may have a bad year skating. Divorce is damaging and the best thing we can do is see it clearly.

Thank you. This is a realistic way to see it.

It hurts to know that he chose this and they have to suffer for it.

The oldest is at an up-or-out point in skating where if things don’t come together for her this season, she’ll probably have to move on to a different version of the sport (like synchro) or leave it altogether. I hate this for her. She’s hard on herself and can’t see that this isn’t about her shortcomings but about the weight of having to live through an adult’s decision and the problems it’s created.

I wish I could make this impact only me and not my kids.

Yup, it sucks. In sports, and other pursuits too, one random injury or something totally outside your control can derail you at a key moment with lasting consequences. It's a harsh life lesson for a young person, but it's the truth. Other people's choices affect us and sometimes it's really, really hard.

But you've got to model confidence for her. If skating doesn't work out, she'll find something new that she likes-- that's the message, right? I know it's hard but you have to lead the way here. Don't make it like your feelings about the divorce depend on their skating success (even if you do truly feel that way). That will only add to the pressure she feels.

[Anonymous]

It absolutely does suck. And you will all get through this.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. As somebody who has come through the other side, my advice would be to be really deliberate about finding a support system for yourself.

And it is absolutely okay to agree with your kids that it sucks. Sometimes my kids just wanted me to acknowledge that it sucked for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re off to a very bad start by participating in efforts to turn your girls against their father. That is not cool. At all.

Yes. Judges do not look kindly on alienation. You are the parent. Tell the kids they need to welcome their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off to a very bad start by participating in efforts to turn your girls against their father. That is not cool. At all.

Yes. Judges do not look kindly on alienation. You are the parent. Tell the kids they need to welcome their father.

And they'll be like "No", and then it's OP's job to punish and coerce them into being okay with their dad dumping their mom?

And it's also OP's job to be his calendar secretary because he's... a giant baby who can't handle basic admin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off to a very bad start by participating in efforts to turn your girls against their father. That is not cool. At all.

Yes. Judges do not look kindly on alienation. You are the parent. Tell the kids they need to welcome their father.

OP and yes, that is why I am being so cautious. On the other hand, this is a man who has broken into our house since he left and filed multiple motions but struck hearings at the last minute after I’ve arranged for days off work and drivers for the kids.

Prior to the divorce he (apparently) stole enormous sums of money from our joint accounts, verbally abused me, and screamed obscenities at the kids for “making him” do things…like break their toys or miss their practices.

It is for the best that he left us, but it is also a really fragile situation legally and I’m all too aware that someone with this amount of screws loose is looking for things to flip on to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be difficult, he's going to be difficult. If it's not this, it'll be something else, because attacking you is how he alleviates his guilt. You can keep your communications with him very flat and boring. If he asks when it is, respond with a link to the club website. If he asks if the kids want him to come, say "Well, you could ask them" or "I'm not sure" or something.

You need to accept that your kids will be upset, they will be angry, and they will be very much off their game in every aspect of life. You can't fix it. They're maybe going to lose their jumps for a while. Be at peace with it and stop trying to fix it. Your kids will be better off with you accepting that things are what they are, rather than trying to optimize it by overthinking every little thing. I said on another thread, dumped wives tend to do this "salvaging" behavior where they're trying their very hardest to minimize the impact on the kids, and it just doesn't work very well. Do everyone a favor and accept that they'll be impacted and may have a bad year skating. Divorce is damaging and the best thing we can do is see it clearly.

Thank you. This is a realistic way to see it.

It hurts to know that he chose this and they have to suffer for it.

The oldest is at an up-or-out point in skating where if things don’t come together for her this season, she’ll probably have to move on to a different version of the sport (like synchro) or leave it altogether. I hate this for her. She’s hard on herself and can’t see that this isn’t about her shortcomings but about the weight of having to live through an adult’s decision and the problems it’s created.

I wish I could make this impact only me and not my kids.

Yup, it sucks. In sports, and other pursuits too, one random injury or something totally outside your control can derail you at a key moment with lasting consequences. It's a harsh life lesson for a young person, but it's the truth. Other people's choices affect us and sometimes it's really, really hard.

But you've got to model confidence for her. If skating doesn't work out, she'll find something new that she likes-- that's the message, right? I know it's hard but you have to lead the way here. Don't make it like your feelings about the divorce depend on their skating success (even if you do truly feel that way). That will only add to the pressure she feels.

Life lessons should come from the outside world, not your own father. What a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off to a very bad start by participating in efforts to turn your girls against their father. That is not cool. At all.

Yes. Judges do not look kindly on alienation. You are the parent. Tell the kids they need to welcome their father.

It sounds like their father is alienating the children all on his own. You can't dump their mom and break up their family and expect their love and respect to be unchanged.

OP, protect yourself legally by doing what you think is best, but honestly he's going to make it difficult regardless.

[Anonymous]

It is not your job to keep reminding this guy of stuff. Not one bit.

I’m sorry he is ignoring the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not your job to keep reminding this guy of stuff. Not one bit.

I’m sorry he is ignoring the kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to remind him about the competition or tell him the details to attend.

But you also absolutely should not take on the role of telling him not to attend.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP, don't say anything. Don't tell him when and where they are - he can look them up. But don't tell him not to come. It's not your role to relay messages like that from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of your feelings and what happened, he will always be their dad and the worst thing you can do is alienate them. Encourage the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off to a very bad start by participating in efforts to turn your girls against their father. That is not cool. At all.

Yes. Judges do not look kindly on alienation. You are the parent. Tell the kids they need to welcome their father.

It sounds like their father is alienating the children all on his own. You can't dump their mom and break up their family and expect their love and respect to be unchanged.

OP, protect yourself legally by doing what you think is best, but honestly he's going to make it difficult regardless.

We don't know the situation. Some one cheating, abuse, bad arguement, she threw him out?