Any competitive sports/divorce parents on here right now?

[Anonymous]

DH left me this fall and we have 3 kids. We do not have a parenting plan in place and are waiting for a hearing date. In the meantime, the kids are with me (mom) 100% of the time, with DH taking them to dinner every week or so or sometimes a movie. It is a bad, unexpected divorce. The kids are very upset at their dad and feel rejected by his unwillingness to spend time with them and some really hurtful stuff he did leading up to when he left.

2 are involved in competitive figure skating. They won’t go to the Olympics or anything but they do it seriously enough that it’s a big commitment. The divorce has really affected them and my middle child has lost jumps and spins she recently learned and is struggling with mental performance issues.

They have a competition next weekend and really don’t want their dad there. Oldest is saying that she isn’t going to tell him when she’s competing and I can’t either. (He could look it up). Middle is saying that he absolutely cannot come and I have to keep him from coming or her routine will be ruined if she sees him.

Since we don’t have a legal custody arrangement yet, what are the risks of just saying to him “don’t show up because your kids really don’t want you there”?

For what it’s worth, he rarely showed up at competitions in the past and hated watching it and being around the other (admittedly intense and hard to deal with) parents.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

That’s my first instinct, but I’m wondering if this will come back to haunt me during future legal proceedings and make me look uncooperative.

The figure skating club has parent emails that contain all of this information. In late October he told me he was going to contact the club secretary to be added to the email list, but I’m guessing he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

That’s my first instinct, but I’m wondering if this will come back to haunt me during future legal proceedings and make me look uncooperative.

The figure skating club has parent emails that contain all of this information. In late October he told me he was going to contact the club secretary to be added to the email list, but I’m guessing he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to me.

I think it's reasonable to tell him again "Here's how you sign up for the club email list", because you're not explicitly inviting him to the specific event like the kids were worried about. And that should be enough to avoid looking uncooperative. But really, fear of looking bad does not mean you have to be his calendar secretary forever! That's wife-work, and he doesn't have a wife now.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like if you say nothing about it he won't show and it'll be fine. Why would it haunt you? You didn't tell him about ONE thing? That he didn't ask about, that he could have found out about on his own or by speaking directly to his kids? No, this is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

That’s my first instinct, but I’m wondering if this will come back to haunt me during future legal proceedings and make me look uncooperative.

The figure skating club has parent emails that contain all of this information. In late October he told me he was going to contact the club secretary to be added to the email list, but I’m guessing he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to me.

Well, I think you could say "He told me he would get himself added to the list, so I believed that he would." And even without the list, he can check the website, no? So I think it's him, not you, who would look bad for making a fuss over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like if you say nothing about it he won't show and it'll be fine. Why would it haunt you? You didn't tell him about ONE thing? That he didn't ask about, that he could have found out about on his own or by speaking directly to his kids? No, this is on him.

I’m worried that he will use this against me in what could be a very contentious custody battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

That’s my first instinct, but I’m wondering if this will come back to haunt me during future legal proceedings and make me look uncooperative.

The figure skating club has parent emails that contain all of this information. In late October he told me he was going to contact the club secretary to be added to the email list, but I’m guessing he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to me.

Well, I think you could say "He told me he would get himself added to the list, so I believed that he would." And even without the list, he can check the website, no? So I think it's him, not you, who would look bad for making a fuss over this.

He could check the website, either for the club or for the competition. It’s listed both places, although I don’t think he knows what level the girls are so he wouldn’t know what their session time is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like if you say nothing about it he won't show and it'll be fine. Why would it haunt you? You didn't tell him about ONE thing? That he didn't ask about, that he could have found out about on his own or by speaking directly to his kids? No, this is on him.

I’m worried that he will use this against me in what could be a very contentious custody battle.

It doesn't hold water. Or ice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like if you say nothing about it he won't show and it'll be fine. Why would it haunt you? You didn't tell him about ONE thing? That he didn't ask about, that he could have found out about on his own or by speaking directly to his kids? No, this is on him.

I’m worried that he will use this against me in what could be a very contentious custody battle.

It doesn't hold water. Or ice.

Thanks. I needed the tiny laugh, too.

I’m so far in this that I don’t really know what’s normal and what’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

That’s my first instinct, but I’m wondering if this will come back to haunt me during future legal proceedings and make me look uncooperative.

The figure skating club has parent emails that contain all of this information. In late October he told me he was going to contact the club secretary to be added to the email list, but I’m guessing he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to me.

Well, I think you could say "He told me he would get himself added to the list, so I believed that he would." And even without the list, he can check the website, no? So I think it's him, not you, who would look bad for making a fuss over this.

He could check the website, either for the club or for the competition. It’s listed both places, although I don’t think he knows what level the girls are so he wouldn’t know what their session time is.

Here's what's normal: For an adult man to be able to ask his own daughters what level they are in. Or he could ask the club. That is a normal level of functioning for GROWN MAN.

There is no way he can make an issue out of this without looking like a dumb-*ss. "Judge, my mean mean mean wife didn't remind me! I'm too lazy to look it up! Waaah!" Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's unlikely to show. I would just not tell him. If he wants to look it up, he can. He no longer has a wife to tell him obvious things and he might as well get used to it.

That’s my first instinct, but I’m wondering if this will come back to haunt me during future legal proceedings and make me look uncooperative.

The figure skating club has parent emails that contain all of this information. In late October he told me he was going to contact the club secretary to be added to the email list, but I’m guessing he hasn’t and doesn’t want to admit that to me.

Well, I think you could say "He told me he would get himself added to the list, so I believed that he would." And even without the list, he can check the website, no? So I think it's him, not you, who would look bad for making a fuss over this.

He could check the website, either for the club or for the competition. It’s listed both places, although I don’t think he knows what level the girls are so he wouldn’t know what their session time is.

Here's what's normal: For an adult man to be able to ask his own daughters what level they are in. Or he could ask the club. That is a normal level of functioning for GROWN MAN.

There is no way he can make an issue out of this without looking like a dumb-*ss. "Judge, my mean mean mean wife didn't remind me! I'm too lazy to look it up! Waaah!" Come on.

This is what I needed to read today.

The last time we were in a similar situation, he apparently whined to his attorney about it who then got all huffy in a 1:1 call to my attorney and called me hostile, which is a bit of a trigger word in custody situations.

My attorney brushed it off to me as ridiculous, but I’ve been nervous ever since.

[Anonymous]

Repeat this to yourself.

My ex-husband’s relationship with their children is between them and not through me.

You do not have to tell him when children’s events are anymore. He has a full grown adult and he can look them up online.

If he calls you and says daughter #1 or #2 says she doesn’t want me at her competition you… Repeat after me… Your relationship with your children is between you two , and I am not getting in between it.

It’s very hard to be a sounding board, but don’t tell them what to do. Support them in their decisions.. stay calm and anytime you need to vent or cry do it to a friend.

[Anonymous]

You’re off to a very bad start by participating in efforts to turn your girls against their father. That is not cool. At all.

[Anonymous]

Op, it's not your place to tell him, "don’t show up because your kids really don’t want you there." They have to feel strongly enough to say it themselves to him. And then, it's between them and their Dad. They will have whatever relationship they end up having with him - stay out of it.

So, their performance suffers? Their lives get a bit derailed by the divorce. Their sports performance suffers. Sounds ordinary. Sound ordinary for kids suffering through parents divorcing.