Nice Boys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are applying for middle school spots for our son this year, and have been really impressed by the academic, athletic and extracurricular options at all of the schools we've visited. But what I really want to know is: where are the kids NICE? Obviously they are preteen and teenage boys, and nobody is nice all the time, but are there any places that stand out in particular for having a culture that expects kindness from the students?

FWIW, we're not looking at Catholic schools, and only to schools that go through 12th. Thanks for any thoughts!

OP - I get what you are trying to do, but you cannot shield middle school boys from d-bag behavior of their peers, no matter how hard you try. If it is any consolation, (a) it does get better in high school, and (b) middle school girls are even worse. generally speaking, public school kids are nicer than private, because privates always have a few entitled twats whose parents are in positions of power, so the kids know that they can bully with impunity. It happens at every. single. private. It is only a few kids, but it has a ripple effect that spreads toxicity throughout the grade. But public schools are not perfect either; a-hole behavior is simply inevitable in middle school. Brace yourself no matter where you go.

[Anonymous]

The way we figured this out was from a tip an educational consultant shared with us- by looking at the school's student and family handbook. It was interesting to see which schools actually define discipline and which ones use wording like "case by case basis" and "may result in...". When it's not defined and the school uses wishy washy words like "may result in" it creates students that lack respect for each other, faculty/ staff and the facilities. Of course, talk to as many parents in the grade you're applying into for your child. Each grade of students brings it own set of personalities with some grades being kinder than others. Your child will learn a lot from the school visit too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:St Anselms but it’s a Catholic school. 150 hours of service over two years helps keep the boys focused on more than academics. Sports are low-key.

I mean, really, Catholic is where the poster draws the line? But Episcopal is OK? Be lucky all these options are even out there - and you would be wise to consider them all.

[Anonymous]

Burke, Field, and SSFS

[Anonymous]

Not Sidwell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way we figured this out was from a tip an educational consultant shared with us- by looking at the school's student and family handbook. It was interesting to see which schools actually define discipline and which ones use wording like "case by case basis" and "may result in...". When it's not defined and the school uses wishy washy words like "may result in" it creates students that lack respect for each other, faculty/ staff and the facilities. Of course, talk to as many parents in the grade you're applying into for your child. Each grade of students brings it own set of personalities with some grades being kinder than others. Your child will learn a lot from the school visit too.

I like the idea of using school documents like the handbook to identify which schools tolerate bullying and a-hole behavior, but it is much easier said than done. In our experience the worst schools have the most stringent "zero tolerance" type of policies, because those policies are weaponized by the toxic kids and parents against the kids they are bullying. The preferred kids will engage in behaviors all day long that are clearly against the code or handbook (racial slurs, pornography, threats against other kids, to name a few), but the kids and parents treat it as a big joke and the school looks the other way. But then a new student, an outsider, an awkward kid, somebody trying to fit in, perhaps trying to fight back against the bullies, says or does something that is supposedly "forbidden," the school comes down like a ton of bricks, and the bully parents act offended ("we can't have this at OUR school"). I have seen this movie a hundred times, and a parent like OP and her kids who are worried about finding the "nice kids" is a perfect mark for the bully kids and parents at private schools. OP, please do yourself and your DC a favor and go to public - you can thank me later!

[Anonymous]

I know this is speculation and generalizations are being thrown out there, but nonetheless, it seems to me the nicest of cultures won’t exist at the most elite schools or the all boys schools with highly competitive athletics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is speculation and generalizations are being thrown out there, but nonetheless, it seems to me the nicest of cultures won’t exist at the most elite schools or the all boys schools with highly competitive athletics.

bingo!

[Anonymous]

Definitely NOT SSFS. I taught there and, hands down, they were the most disrespectful students I have ever taught, and I’ve taught decades. I almost didn’t accept the job bc the kids were awful on my visit day (shoulda known)! I was a cross-divisional teacher, so this applies to not just one specific grade, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is speculation and generalizations are being thrown out there, but nonetheless, it seems to me the nicest of cultures won’t exist at the most elite schools or the all boys schools with highly competitive athletics.

I would disagree with this. Sports necessitates cooperation, teamwork, and discipline - all very useful in life and for good vibes.

But when high schools are recruiting teenage sports stars and separating them from the general school population, that's no good for anyone. And all the major private schools in this area are guilty of that - from St. Albans to St. Johns to Sidwell Friends to DeMatha to Gonzaga and so on. So you will get an ugly culture there.

Sports should be a good culture. But somehow we messed that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely NOT SSFS. I taught there and, hands down, they were the most disrespectful students I have ever taught, and I’ve taught decades. I almost didn’t accept the job bc the kids were awful on my visit day (shoulda known)! I was a cross-divisional teacher, so this applies to not just one specific grade, either.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is speculation and generalizations are being thrown out there, but nonetheless, it seems to me the nicest of cultures won’t exist at the most elite schools or the all boys schools with highly competitive athletics.

I would disagree with this. Sports necessitates cooperation, teamwork, and discipline - all very useful in life and for good vibes.

But when high schools are recruiting teenage sports stars and separating them from the general school population, that's no good for anyone. And all the major private schools in this area are guilty of that - from St. Albans to St. Johns to Sidwell Friends to DeMatha to Gonzaga and so on. So you will get an ugly culture there.

Sports should be a good culture. But somehow we messed that up.

So after disagreeing with me, you agreed with me. Makes sense lol. My comment had nothing to do with cooperation, sportsmanship, and teamwork that should be part of team athletics. I think the original poster wants to know where her son will be surrounded by other nice kids. I was a boy not too many decades ago. I was athletic enough to be in team sports, but mediocre and smart enough to know that there were nicer kids elsewhere. Individual sports like swimming, track and cross country. The arts. Other sorts of clubs.

[Anonymous]

Burgundy emphasizes kindness and acceptance and has a strong positive culture it its middle school. There's lots of service opportunities and in general the kids are very nice. But like other posters said, kids are kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not Sidwell.

Why? What grade?

[Anonymous]

"Be Kind" is the motto at Washington Episcopal (WES) and the kids really live that through. (PK-8 school but only attended from 5th)