Kids on the block - do you "force" inclusion?

[Anonymous]

Kids have good radar, if adults don't interfere. I'm talking about emotionally normal/healthy kids. Don't mess with it. Don't mess with their (innately correct) view of reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a second grade daughter and there's two other second grade girls on our block, all within the close neighboring 4 houses. They all 3 go to the same school and ride the bus together. My daughter and Girl A hit it off right away and I sensed Girl B would feel left out so I was pushing for including her as well when they're out riding bikes or playing in the yards. My daughter would cry and say they don't want to because Girl B is mean. We talked about how maybe she's struggling with something and how second graders are still navigating group dynamics and being a friend etc. Recently, I've been paying more attention and we've had several negative instances with Girl B lately- she carved words on my front porch with a rock, has been ringing my doorbell over and over and laughing when my dog gets anxious over it, and stomped on the zucchini in my garden "to see if it'd explode". When my daughter and Girl A play together- they'll calmly do crafts or play dolls or pretend for hours, but when Girl B is in the mix it's nonstop crying and arguing. It came to a head this morning when the kids were all at the bus stop and Girl A was proudly showing a poster she made for class and Girl B got inches from her face and was screaming over and over WE KNOW! WE KNOW! WE KNOW! WE KNOW! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS STUPID STUFF! NO ONE WILL LIKE YOUR POSTER! Girl A was sobbing and it was the first "Mean Girl" behavior I've truly seen from a second grader which shocked me.

Would you address it with parents? Push to keep working on it assuming they're all going to go to school together for the next decade? Just let my daughter and Girl A do their own things and stop including Girl B?

I would address it with the parents and tell them that their daughter is not welcome at your house as she's been distructive and abusive to your dog. I feel bad for the kid but no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids have good radar, if adults don't interfere. I'm talking about emotionally normal/healthy kids. Don't mess with it. Don't mess with their (innately correct) view of reality.

+1.

[Anonymous]

STOP teaching your girls to put their needs second to other people! If someone is mean to your daughter and she doesn’t want to be with her that is a healthy and normal response.

Sure people have all kinds of reasons for being who they are but you do not have to let them hurt you because of that. She is not a therapist. She is not responsible for the mental health and well being of this child. She should not actively hurt her but she does not need to make herself smaller to accommodate her.

[Anonymous]

In this situation, I would not include B.

If your daughter wants to play with B, that is fine but I would not be the one to urge it.

My friend also has two neighbors same grade as her daughter. Two girls hit it off more and leave out the third. My friend tries to include the third but there isn’t drama like OP’s neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not force my daughter to hang out with a mean, nasty girl like that. Why would you? You’re caring more about this girl than you do about your own daughter‘s feelings. She sounds awful.

I'm guessing there is something about her that makes OP feel guilty if she is excluded.

[Anonymous]

Quite the opposite. I would not want my kid hanging out with girl B. Not only is she not nice, but she's destructive. I'm not forcing my child to be in a "guilty by association" scenario in the name of inclusion.

To me, this is why the idea of inclusion has gone too far. We shouldn't be teaching our kids that other people's feelings matter more than theirs in circumstances like this. It's not something I want my kids thinking growing up, especially DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STOP teaching your girls to put their needs second to other people! If someone is mean to your daughter and she doesn’t want to be with her that is a healthy and normal response.

Sure people have all kinds of reasons for being who they are but you do not have to let them hurt you because of that. She is not a therapist. She is not responsible for the mental health and well being of this child. She should not actively hurt her but she does not need to make herself smaller to accommodate her.

Thank you! It's baffling to me that we've come to a point where we make our own kids upset for the sake of the mean kid's feelings. When DD is older, should she stay with an abusive BF because he may have some social issues and it would be mean to break up with him over it? No, of course not. But that's exactly what we are teaching kids when inclusion goes this far.

[Anonymous]

You had good intentions. However, sounds like it didn't work to include this girl and you should stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STOP teaching your girls to put their needs second to other people! If someone is mean to your daughter and she doesn’t want to be with her that is a healthy and normal response.

Sure people have all kinds of reasons for being who they are but you do not have to let them hurt you because of that. She is not a therapist. She is not responsible for the mental health and well being of this child. She should not actively hurt her but she does not need to make herself smaller to accommodate her.

Thank you! It's baffling to me that we've come to a point where we make our own kids upset for the sake of the mean kid's feelings. When DD is older, should she stay with an abusive BF because he may have some social issues and it would be mean to break up with him over it? No, of course not. But that's exactly what we are teaching kids when inclusion goes this far.

Our children are not social workers.

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter that Girl B is not well behaved right now, and it's time to take a break from her. That hopefully it's just a phase, but for now, no playing with her. That gives Girl B space to change her behavior and be welcomed back into friendship but gives YOUR DD space to not be around a mean girl who is disruptive and destructive.

[Anonymous]

No of course not. Never push anything like that. Let it be natural and organic.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re being mean to your kid by making her play with the girl who breaks her stuff. Suddenly when she steps on your garden, and messes up your porch it’s a problem? Not so easy to be “kind” now is it? You’re teaching your kid to be a doormat and a punching bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A group of three is often bad group dynamics anyway,much better to have 2 or 4.

But anyway, it sounds like the girl has issues, it's not your daughter's responsibility to manage them. I would say it's OK to quietly not invite her but not Ok to be mean.

I would not bring it up with the mom unless she asks, likely she already knows her daughter has issues.

Disagree, as not inviting her is not in the spirit of inclusion. Also, if her behaviors are not matching up with some artificial expectation, then there’s a good chance she could be neurodivergent.

Do you really want to exclude her over that ?

[Anonymous]

No, don't force it.I f the girl came and wanted to join them and was nice, they shouldn't exclude her.