Kids on the block - do you "force" inclusion?
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Anonymous
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I have a second grade daughter and there's two other second grade girls on our block, all within the close neighboring 4 houses. They all 3 go to the same school and ride the bus together. My daughter and Girl A hit it off right away and I sensed Girl B would feel left out so I was pushing for including her as well when they're out riding bikes or playing in the yards. My daughter would cry and say they don't want to because Girl B is mean. We talked about how maybe she's struggling with something and how second graders are still navigating group dynamics and being a friend etc. Recently, I've been paying more attention and we've had several negative instances with Girl B lately- she carved words on my front porch with a rock, has been ringing my doorbell over and over and laughing when my dog gets anxious over it, and stomped on the zucchini in my garden "to see if it'd explode". When my daughter and Girl A play together- they'll calmly do crafts or play dolls or pretend for hours, but when Girl B is in the mix it's nonstop crying and arguing. It came to a head this morning when the kids were all at the bus stop and Girl A was proudly showing a poster she made for class and Girl B got inches from her face and was screaming over and over WE KNOW! WE KNOW! WE KNOW! WE KNOW! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS STUPID STUFF! NO ONE WILL LIKE YOUR POSTER! Girl A was sobbing and it was the first "Mean Girl" behavior I've truly seen from a second grader which shocked me.
Would you address it with parents? Push to keep working on it assuming they're all going to go to school together for the next decade? Just let my daughter and Girl A do their own things and stop including Girl B? |
Anonymous
| Just let your kid hang out with who they want to. This is not about excluding the awkward kid. She sounds like she’s got some real issues and your kid shouldn’t have to deal with it just bc you want to teach empathy. There are limits to that and I think you’ve hit them. |
Anonymous
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I would "take a break". This will preserve the possibility of a friendship in the future. And yes, don't teach your kid that she has to tolerate consistently, significantly bad behavior.
It's okay for kids to learn that choices have consequences. If the parents ask you, say "They don't seem to be getting along, and B has damaged some items at our home, so we are taking a break." |
Anonymous
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A group of three is often bad group dynamics anyway,much better to have 2 or 4.
But anyway, it sounds like the girl has issues, it's not your daughter's responsibility to manage them. I would say it's OK to quietly not invite her but not Ok to be mean. I would not bring it up with the mom unless she asks, likely she already knows her daughter has issues. |
Anonymous
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I would not make my kid play with a kid who was repeatedly mean to her. To me inclusion is about lifting up kids who are awkward, lonely, bullied, etc. Not about forcing your kids to endure another kid who torments her.
I would also not allow a kid who had intentionally damaged my property on more than one occasion to keep being in my yard. And yes, I would tell the parents that their kid is no longer allowed in my yard, because I would want to know if my kids was behaving like that. That doesn't mean ostracizing her forever. Kids change a lot and it's entirely possible that today's terrible 7 year old will be a lovely 9 year old. |
Anonymous
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I would not push for my DD to hang out with Girl B, especially since she has repeatedly told you she doesn't want to. This would actually be much trickier if your DD wanted to play with Girl B, but she doesn't. So no you do not push it or suggest she invite Girl B when she makes plans to play with Girl A. Be happy your DD has a school friend who lives nearby -- that is a massive gift.
I would reach out to the parents about the doorbell ringing, which is an unacceptable behavior that must stop immediately. In that conversation, I would also mention that you saw Girl B yelling at Girl A in a hurtful way at the bus stop, and you are concerned about the Girl B's well being. Try to emphasize that it's okay that Girl B is going through something tough, that you aren't judging them as parents, but that you felt they should be aware of these incidents. And I would try to maintain empathy for Girl B, who probably does not want to behave this way and is almost certainly acting out to deal with some emotional issue that is not being properly addressed. These are maladaptive behaviors. She's seeking attention, and is so desperate for it that she doesn't even care if it's negative. She also appears to have a lot of anger that lacks a healthy outlet, and the anger might also be the result of fear or frustration that she is not allowed to express elsewhere. Kids whose emotional needs are not being met often develop these maladaptive behaviors because they just dont' know what else to do. I'd stay open to her getting better, I'd be kind when I interacted with her directly, I'd wish her the very best. But I would not force my kid to hang out with her. Sometimes kids do need natural consequences, and the natural consequence of this girl's behavior is that other children don't want to play with her. |
Anonymous
| I’d certainly stop including her or pushing my kid to. And I’d apologize to my kid. |
Anonymous
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Of course she doesn’t have to play with someone that is a jerk. I will never understand how inclusion has turned into inviting the bully to the birthday party. And I say that as a Mon of a kid with profound intellectual disability. I am happy when my kid is “included”, but I’m also fully aware that a nonverbal kid wearing diapers isn’t going to attend her peers Sweet Sixteen parties. Inclusion doesn’t actually mean “all the people, all the time, even if they are big jerks or the event would be wildly inappropriate for them.”
That said, I also agree that kids can change a lot so I wouldn’t write the kid off forever. But trust your kid’s judgment more. People get to pick their friends. I’m not friends with jerks, and I don’t expect my kid to be either. |
Anonymous
| I choose not to micromanage my kid's friend group. |
Anonymous
+1 OP you're lucky your DD doesn't want to be around that behavior and emulate it. You sound crazy to me. |
Anonymous
I love you for this! |
Anonymous
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No more KidB If she keeps up w her nasty antics -- have a gentle convo with her parent(s). Destroying others belongings and lashing out and making your child cry should be addressed. |
Anonymous
Yes, well said. Inclusive and kind presumes a reasonably nice and well-behaved kid. |
Anonymous
| I would not force my daughter to hang out with a mean, nasty girl like that. Why would you? You’re caring more about this girl than you do about your own daughter‘s feelings. She sounds awful. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't make them include Girl B anymore. I think including her at first was a good idea. If she was generally kind and played well most of the time, I would continue to include her. However, she's shown enough times that it's a bad dynamic so it's ok to let it go. |