Kids on the block - do you "force" inclusion?

[Anonymous]

Girl B isn’t displaying mean girl behavior, OP. For heaven’s sake. She has ADHD or autism. I don’t understand how DCUM can’t recognize these disabilities. You don’t need to include her in things if you can’t tolerate her behavior but at least understand what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl B isn’t displaying mean girl behavior, OP. For heaven’s sake. She has ADHD or autism. I don’t understand how DCUM can’t recognize these disabilities. You don’t need to include her in things if you can’t tolerate her behavior but at least understand what’s going on.

She is making the OPs daughter cry. Unless you have a Dx then it’s just imagination fueled by internet psychology. You do not need to tolerate or make excuses for someone who is unkind to you. OPs daughter doesn’t even know what she’s feeling and why she’s feeling the way she is and yall are expecting her to extend herself to someone else’s imagined struggle? child B is gonna have to live in the world and she is going to have to learn that if you don’t treat people well, they will not include you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl B isn’t displaying mean girl behavior, OP. For heaven’s sake. She has ADHD or autism. I don’t understand how DCUM can’t recognize these disabilities. You don’t need to include her in things if you can’t tolerate her behavior but at least understand what’s going on.

ADHD or autism are not excuses for bad behavior. Having a disability does not relieve a person of the responsibility of behaving properly. I can't understand how you can't recognize this simple fact?

[Anonymous]

TL;DR but it's fine for them to hang out without the third girl. If she asks if she can join, then they should include her, but otherwise it's fine.

[Anonymous]

I think three-kid playdates are usually a bad idea anyway.

If you want to invite her sometimes out of kindness, do it without Girl A and plan an activity where you're right there helping them the whole time so you can nip any behaviors in the bud and send her home early if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A group of three is often bad group dynamics anyway,much better to have 2 or 4.

But anyway, it sounds like the girl has issues, it's not your daughter's responsibility to manage them. I would say it's OK to quietly not invite her but not Ok to be mean.

I would not bring it up with the mom unless she asks, likely she already knows her daughter has issues.

Disagree, as not inviting her is not in the spirit of inclusion. Also, if her behaviors are not matching up with some artificial expectation, then there’s a good chance she could be neurodivergent.

Do you really want to exclude her over that ?

🙄

[Anonymous]

I have a kid with ADHD, and k-2 was a rough age. But I would never expect people to put up with the behavior you described, nor would I make either kid play with someone they think is mean. A little socially awkward or shy is different. But agree with using language that leaves the door open for the future. My kid with ADHD is very mature and has a ton of friends now a few years later. There’s only one family who won’t give them another chance but it’s a free country and I strongly suspect their kid has their own issues.

[Anonymous]

I would have addressed it ages ago with the parents. this kid carved into your front porch with a rock? Hell no.

That being said, I also have a neighbor like this. The parents are won’t use the word no and are into gentle parenting. It’s cool. So then I WILL tell your kids no as they destroy my flowers, my holiday decorations and my yard. I usually never parent other peoples kids but these kids are poorly behaved and so I speak up every time it’s my property. I was told the kids are autistic (very smart, high functioning, gifted class) and they just don’t know they’re destroying things. I guess it’s my job then? I think the parents need to step in a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A group of three is often bad group dynamics anyway,much better to have 2 or 4.

But anyway, it sounds like the girl has issues, it's not your daughter's responsibility to manage them. I would say it's OK to quietly not invite her but not Ok to be mean.

I would not bring it up with the mom unless she asks, likely she already knows her daughter has issues.

Disagree, as not inviting her is not in the spirit of inclusion. Also, if her behaviors are not matching up with some artificial expectation, then there’s a good chance she could be neurodivergent.

Do you really want to exclude her over that ?

Not OP, but yes, I don't force my kids to hang out with kids who are mean to them, make them cry, and are destructive. ND or not.

[Anonymous]

You’re really asking whether it’s ok to stop forcing your kid to include Girl B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I choose not to micromanage my kid's friend group.

+100.

[Anonymous]

If a child is mean and a bully I have no problem with exclusion. When my son was 7 we moved here and local boys excluded him because he had a very severe and noticeable leg disability. It was pretty heartbreaking for all of us but it ended when over time the other kids realized he was an amazing athlete and better than most of them. That was many years ago and over time he realized that in new situations he had to deal with it and it was just part of his life. He’s now in his mid 20s and I’m quite sure it’s no longer an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a child is mean and a bully I have no problem with exclusion. When my son was 7 we moved here and local boys excluded him because he had a very severe and noticeable leg disability. It was pretty heartbreaking for all of us but it ended when over time the other kids realized he was an amazing athlete and better than most of them. That was many years ago and over time he realized that in new situations he had to deal with it and it was just part of his life. He’s now in his mid 20s and I’m quite sure it’s no longer an issue.

Good for him. Not letting a disability stop you from an early age has to benefit a child as they get older.

[Anonymous]

I've noticed some Girls can be quite cliquey. Like for the girls they like they really like them, the ones they don't they're pretty cold. My daughter had some on her soccer team like that. Wouldn't pass to other girls on the team. If they did it was a horrible pass. A pair on her basketball team are kind of like that but not as bad.

It seems that in these situations the girls that do the "besty" thing sometimes aren't able to really interact all that well with other kids. It's sort of a coping mechanism. If they just hang out with this one kid, then they get their socialization and that is enough, they don't "have" to make other friends. It's like it's a chore they "have" to make other friends.

Just an observation, bffs can be an annoying dynamic also. It just reminds me of the situation, because the soccer girls were on the same block and there was a third who was also playing soccer, but wasn't a bff. But she did have some issues also it seems not the brightest of the bunch. They would play with third one more than the other kids on the team, at least she was familiar.

[Anonymous]

Of course you force inclusion! DEI only works if you force it.

Thought everyone understood that.