When a close relative shows clear favoritism

[Anonymous]

My grandma was like this. We lived on the same road as my cousins, and she clearly favored them (her daughter's children) over us (her son's children). My dad used to say it was because mothers are naturally closer to daughters, so this was why Grandma would visit the cousins and not us (we knew this because we would often plan at the cousins' house, and Grandma would be hanging out with my aunt, and would not stop at our house). She would also bring gifts to my same-age girl cousin and not to me: I remember a stream of American Girl dolls (three of them from Grandma to cousin, and I didn't have one), My Little Ponies, a bike, etc).

I realized in my 20s just how mean this was. It turned out that Grandma just really didn't like my mom. But it made me feel terrible as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma was like this. We lived on the same road as my cousins, and she clearly favored them (her daughter's children) over us (her son's children). My dad used to say it was because mothers are naturally closer to daughters, so this was why Grandma would visit the cousins and not us (we knew this because we would often plan at the cousins' house, and Grandma would be hanging out with my aunt, and would not stop at our house). She would also bring gifts to my same-age girl cousin and not to me: I remember a stream of American Girl dolls (three of them from Grandma to cousin, and I didn't have one), My Little Ponies, a bike, etc).

I realized in my 20s just how mean this was. It turned out that Grandma just really didn't like my mom. But it made me feel terrible as a kid.

This seems different than if you were in the same family.

I have 3 kids, one of them is a daughter. I can see hanging out with her and her family much more than my sons one day. More because my sons don’t want to hang out with me! If one day, the daughter in law and I didn’t get along, I wouldn’t necessarily equally visit and buy things for their house, which I may not be welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

There almost always is. One is poorly behaved or another shares interests. This isn’t for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

The word legitimate is key here. If they are yoir kids you won’t see wanting to leave the brat home as legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to havea Convo with his brother on this.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband needs to havea Convo with his brother on this.

Good luck.

OP said "siblings" there has to be a reason not stated why more than one sibling would blatantly leave one of OPs kids. What's the reason OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

Sometimes I think it’s personality or other factors that result in different relationships. Like one might be shy. Or relationship develops with one and not the other because maybe the parents dont encourage a relationship immediately and it doesn’t ever happen.

I know in my own family, the parents were always looking for help with the older kids. So relationships happened. But that didn’t happen with the younger ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

Not op. My inlaws started with blatant favoritism the minute my twins were born. It was sick. They live to hurt feelings and create drama. My kids have no relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

+1
Most families just accept it without confrontations. I'm surprised your dh is going to have a serious conversation. I'd expect a show of equality to follow and maybe a permanently soured relationship overall. Favoritism is unfair but its also ubiquitous since forever.

Are you kidding? We call this having a broken normal meter. You accept a f'd up dynamic because you were clearly raised in one. It's not a reason to continue with abuse.

I wouldn't force the idea that the kids are a "package deal". I wouldn't force my non favored kid on an adult with such poor judgement. I'd work on the kids relationship with the cousins but try to minimize both kid's interactions with the adult with such poor judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma was like this. We lived on the same road as my cousins, and she clearly favored them (her daughter's children) over us (her son's children). My dad used to say it was because mothers are naturally closer to daughters, so this was why Grandma would visit the cousins and not us (we knew this because we would often plan at the cousins' house, and Grandma would be hanging out with my aunt, and would not stop at our house). She would also bring gifts to my same-age girl cousin and not to me: I remember a stream of American Girl dolls (three of them from Grandma to cousin, and I didn't have one), My Little Ponies, a bike, etc).

I realized in my 20s just how mean this was. It turned out that Grandma just really didn't like my mom. But it made me feel terrible as a kid.

Grandma was a really crappy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandma was like this. We lived on the same road as my cousins, and she clearly favored them (her daughter's children) over us (her son's children). My dad used to say it was because mothers are naturally closer to daughters, so this was why Grandma would visit the cousins and not us (we knew this because we would often plan at the cousins' house, and Grandma would be hanging out with my aunt, and would not stop at our house). She would also bring gifts to my same-age girl cousin and not to me: I remember a stream of American Girl dolls (three of them from Grandma to cousin, and I didn't have one), My Little Ponies, a bike, etc).

I realized in my 20s just how mean this was. It turned out that Grandma just really didn't like my mom. But it made me feel terrible as a kid.

This seems different than if you were in the same family.

I have 3 kids, one of them is a daughter. I can see hanging out with her and her family much more than my sons one day. More because my sons don’t want to hang out with me! If one day, the daughter in law and I didn’t get along, I wouldn’t necessarily equally visit and buy things for their house, which I may not be welcome.

You need therapy. You're already creating issues with non existent daughters-in-law. You are going to be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

There almost always is. One is poorly behaved or another shares interests. This isn’t for no reason.

Sure, there is always a reason. Often it is a sick reason. Some people do it just knowing they are starting drama. Healthy adults don't do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband needs to havea Convo with his brother on this.

Good luck.

OP said "siblings" there has to be a reason not stated why more than one sibling would blatantly leave one of OPs kids. What's the reason OP?

No. That was a typo and I immediately corrected it in the next page. There is no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandma was like this. We lived on the same road as my cousins, and she clearly favored them (her daughter's children) over us (her son's children). My dad used to say it was because mothers are naturally closer to daughters, so this was why Grandma would visit the cousins and not us (we knew this because we would often plan at the cousins' house, and Grandma would be hanging out with my aunt, and would not stop at our house). She would also bring gifts to my same-age girl cousin and not to me: I remember a stream of American Girl dolls (three of them from Grandma to cousin, and I didn't have one), My Little Ponies, a bike, etc).

I realized in my 20s just how mean this was. It turned out that Grandma just really didn't like my mom. But it made me feel terrible as a kid.

This seems different than if you were in the same family.

I have 3 kids, one of them is a daughter. I can see hanging out with her and her family much more than my sons one day. More because my sons don’t want to hang out with me! If one day, the daughter in law and I didn’t get along, I wouldn’t necessarily equally visit and buy things for their house, which I may not be welcome.

You need therapy. You're already creating issues with non existent daughters-in-law. You are going to be a problem.

Why do I need therapy? I always wonder why people throw that word around.

When I a buy a gift or a meal for someone, I don’t automatically buy the same gift for someone else. I have three very different children. Maybe it is bc they are opposite sex and varied interests but they all get very different types of gifts and experiences. I just bought my oldest $500 concert tickets. My middle likes sports. Youngest likes stuff.

We have a lot of money. I’m sure we will give our kids whatever they may need. That doesn’t mean each kid gets the same gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandma was like this. We lived on the same road as my cousins, and she clearly favored them (her daughter's children) over us (her son's children). My dad used to say it was because mothers are naturally closer to daughters, so this was why Grandma would visit the cousins and not us (we knew this because we would often plan at the cousins' house, and Grandma would be hanging out with my aunt, and would not stop at our house). She would also bring gifts to my same-age girl cousin and not to me: I remember a stream of American Girl dolls (three of them from Grandma to cousin, and I didn't have one), My Little Ponies, a bike, etc).

I realized in my 20s just how mean this was. It turned out that Grandma just really didn't like my mom. But it made me feel terrible as a kid.

Grandma was a really crappy person.

I just responded.

My parents were immigrants and we were poor. My grandmother from another country always favored me. She would take gifts from my aunt and cousins to send to my mom and me. I know my aunt was very upset about this until my grandmother died. My aunt was rich so there was nothing my grandmother could give to my aunt or cousins while we had very little in America.

Maybe I’m not that materialistic but I don’t place much emphasis on items. Quality time with my children and grandchildren would be worth much more to me.

All I was saying is that if I go to one child’s house more frequently, I may be prone to buying things for that house more.