When a close relative shows clear favoritism

[Anonymous]

This is interesting to me because I grew up in a big family with lots of siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were definitely special/closer relationships that popped up between certain pairings in the group. One uncle was closest with the sister who played basketball. One aunt favored the cousin who wanted to shop and talk fashion. One seemed to just like the oldest cousin she’d known longest. Etc. We all just saw it as normal.

So to me, the situation you describe is completely normal and I would not make a big deal out of it with the brother. I would consider it my job to help my kids put it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to me because I grew up in a big family with lots of siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were definitely special/closer relationships that popped up between certain pairings in the group. One uncle was closest with the sister who played basketball. One aunt favored the cousin who wanted to shop and talk fashion. One seemed to just like the oldest cousin she’d known longest. Etc. We all just saw it as normal.

So to me, the situation you describe is completely normal and I would not make a big deal out of it with the brother. I would consider it my job to help my kids put it in perspective.

This isn't favoritism. That's just relationships. Favoritism involves treating someone poorly while favoring another. You're missing the part where someone is treated poorly over and over and over. That's the part that's painful, not the part where others have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The MIL of one of my siblings does this. I see it with her own children where she favors one son over the other kids.

This has carried through to the grand kids. She favors one child in each family. I find it to be really unpleasant and harmful. If I can avoid seeing her, I do. The grand kids are now adults and all the cousins talk about it.

I had that growing up. Grandparents favored each of their kids in a definite pecking order (with my parent being at the bottom). Same followed for the grandkids. What happens is I didnt' care to visit them once I was old enough to have a choice. It's no fun going to see family and having them rave about "how great and smart and talented" your cousins are (from their gold child parent), when you yourself actually did 1000X "better" (did much better in HS, went to a T10 college and got into several others, was way more talented in my musical activities and went on to major in music as one major at a T5 music school, etc) So who wants to spend time with someone who doesn't acknowledge you as a person and just wants to talk about your cousins? So I stopped going.

Btw, the cousin I had to constantly hear about is my favorite cousin and we are very close and now live in the same area (2K miles from the rest of the "family") . But as a teen/20 something, you realize not to waste your time with family who only wants to brag to you about their other grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

[Anonymous]

This is your Husband's family. He says something to them privately -- from him, not saying it's from you. It's a message from him that he feels this way and unless it changes, the amount of visiting will change.

Matters less that the cousins enjoy each other. As parents you have a responsibility to protect both children from anyone who is not nice to them.

If it's just a preference and once your child is older, I'd say 12 or older, maybe your child just has to put-up with the favoritism. No one is obligated to like another person to any particular degree, just as long as they act respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to me because I grew up in a big family with lots of siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were definitely special/closer relationships that popped up between certain pairings in the group. One uncle was closest with the sister who played basketball. One aunt favored the cousin who wanted to shop and talk fashion. One seemed to just like the oldest cousin she’d known longest. Etc. We all just saw it as normal.

So to me, the situation you describe is completely normal and I would not make a big deal out of it with the brother. I would consider it my job to help my kids put it in perspective.

This isn't favoritism. That's just relationships. Favoritism involves treating someone poorly while favoring another. You're missing the part where someone is treated poorly over and over and over. That's the part that's painful, not the part where others have a good relationship.

I did not see anywhere op says the other child is being treated poorly. What is being done to the child? I’d focus on that vs. favoritism of the other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The MIL of one of my siblings does this. I see it with her own children where she favors one son over the other kids.

This has carried through to the grand kids. She favors one child in each family. I find it to be really unpleasant and harmful. If I can avoid seeing her, I do. The grand kids are now adults and all the cousins talk about it.

+1
My mom does this! Her son was the favorite. Now his youngest is her favorite. All the grandchildren see this and it’s super toxic. I’m the scapegoat so I only see them 2x/yr for about 3 days each. Never Christmas or holidays where my mom can exhibit her favoritism in an explicit noticeable way to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to me because I grew up in a big family with lots of siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were definitely special/closer relationships that popped up between certain pairings in the group. One uncle was closest with the sister who played basketball. One aunt favored the cousin who wanted to shop and talk fashion. One seemed to just like the oldest cousin she’d known longest. Etc. We all just saw it as normal.

So to me, the situation you describe is completely normal and I would not make a big deal out of it with the brother. I would consider it my job to help my kids put it in perspective.

But what about family members who go on a trip and bring back a small trinket for only two out of 5 kids? Not because of a special shared interest, just a simple t shirt.

Or give $10 at a holiday for just two kids? And they are not poorer than the others, they have the same or more money and material things.

Talking about special interests and getting along better is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Toward one of your children, how do you handle?

I have two children, same gender, and husband’s siblings show a very clear noticeable favoritism. The less-favored child definitely notices, cares, and doesn’t understand.

My instinct is to withdraw from that person, but they live locally and my kids like their cousins/that person’s children.

But it’s a very sucky situation.

And no we aren’t imagining it or being dramatic.

Just discuss it with them in a civil manner that you and kid feels this way and its causing grief so please be more mindful. If they mend their ways, great, otherwise you can limit or end contact. Also observe if your kid is rude to them or her cousins and that's causing a rift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to me because I grew up in a big family with lots of siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were definitely special/closer relationships that popped up between certain pairings in the group. One uncle was closest with the sister who played basketball. One aunt favored the cousin who wanted to shop and talk fashion. One seemed to just like the oldest cousin she’d known longest. Etc. We all just saw it as normal.

So to me, the situation you describe is completely normal and I would not make a big deal out of it with the brother. I would consider it my job to help my kids put it in perspective.

But what about family members who go on a trip and bring back a small trinket for only two out of 5 kids? Not because of a special shared interest, just a simple t shirt.

Or give $10 at a holiday for just two kids? And they are not poorer than the others, they have the same or more money and material things.

Talking about special interests and getting along better is different.

In my family we would have waved that off as no big deal, We were always told presents are never expected. Also, one grandparent liked to gift her clothes, shoes and jewelry and she favored certain granddaughters who got more items or better ones. My parents laughed it off and we did the same. I think it would have been worse if they acted like it was a big deal, because it would have made us think it was a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Just discuss it with them in a civil manner that you and kid feels this way and its causing grief so please be more mindful

Husband does this