When a close relative shows clear favoritism

[Anonymous]

Toward one of your children, how do you handle?

I have two children, same gender, and husband’s siblings show a very clear noticeable favoritism. The less-favored child definitely notices, cares, and doesn’t understand.

My instinct is to withdraw from that person, but they live locally and my kids like their cousins/that person’s children.

But it’s a very sucky situation.

And no we aren’t imagining it or being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

*sibling (it’s just one person behaving this way, not multiple)

[Anonymous]

The MIL of one of my siblings does this. I see it with her own children where she favors one son over the other kids.

This has carried through to the grand kids. She favors one child in each family. I find it to be really unpleasant and harmful. If I can avoid seeing her, I do. The grand kids are now adults and all the cousins talk about it.

[Anonymous]

My BIL very obviously favored one son over the other. I used to find this so irritating. They are teens now and the boys don’t know or care. It is not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

What was their response when you pointed it out?

[Anonymous]

Get over it

[Anonymous]

What's the age difference and what exactly are they doing? How old is the one less favored? If it's something a long the lines of they just click with the other one more over shared interests, that's one thing. If it's giving them gifts or taking them places and intentionally leaving the other one out, that's different.

Has your husband talked to their sibling about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the age difference and what exactly are they doing? How old is the one less favored? If it's something a long the lines of they just click with the other one more over shared interests, that's one thing. If it's giving them gifts or taking them places and intentionally leaving the other one out, that's different.

Has your husband talked to their sibling about this?

It’s this and the kids are both teens. 2.5 years apart. Husband is planning to have a serious talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the age difference and what exactly are they doing? How old is the one less favored? If it's something a long the lines of they just click with the other one more over shared interests, that's one thing. If it's giving them gifts or taking them places and intentionally leaving the other one out, that's different.

Has your husband talked to their sibling about this?

It’s this and the kids are both teens. 2.5 years apart. Husband is planning to have a serious talk.

For teens, I think it's completely fine to be frank with the kid. You can tell them it's unfair. That sibling is a jerk. It's rude. Etc. I see no reason to sugar coat things. Your teen wants to feel like you understand, not that they shouldn't feel how they are feeling. They are also old enough where you can talk with them about why this may be happening. I had this dynamic growing up and the reality was my brother and Uncle just had a ton in common. They both loved sports and my Uncle was a season ticket holder for a couple teams. I....tolerated sports. I could enjoy it but I also got why my Uncle didn't want to take me. I appreciated that my parents acknowledged the why and also acknowledged that it wasn't fair. I think it also helped me deal with social situations in college and beyond where you got left out or similar.

And if they are older, can't you just arrange for the cousins to do things together? Parents shouldn't really need to be involved at this age.

[Anonymous]

But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

OP here. My biased opinion is that sinking is just a $hit $tirrer. There is no obvious reason other than the favorite being older, which is not valid. Both are friendly and well-behaved. The favorite is the oldest cousin/grandchild but all the other kids/cousins are close in age so it’s not a big age gap and that’s not a good reason IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why? There must be an obvious reason.

Just tell the family member the kids are a package deal.

It plays out in many families. It doesn't mean there's a legitimate reason or any reason.

+1
Most families just accept it without confrontations. I'm surprised your dh is going to have a serious conversation. I'd expect a show of equality to follow and maybe a permanently soured relationship overall. Favoritism is unfair but its also ubiquitous since forever.

[Anonymous]

One thing to keep in mind...your kid is old enough to know that any behavior changes in their relative is because Dad made them feel guilty or that he feels forced into treating them the same. He's going to know it's not genuine. Those hurt feelings will still be there.

[Anonymous]

Can you give us an example of BIL’s favoritism toward 1 son? Instead of a serious conversation, I would be more inclined call him out when the BIL is overtly showing favoritism.