How often is it reasonable to see local grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Once a week dinner is a lot and I am a grandparent. Do they actually cook for you or do you have to bring food? Is your DH an only child? I, too, can’t believe your kids don’t have social activities on Friday night.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a job? Because that can be a good reason to set boundaries - you don't have all the time in the world to cater to their needs in that case.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy you started the every Friday thing. My in-laws live 15 mins away.
My wife takes DD ( 13yo) maybe once a month and we see them for holidays, birthdays etc.
They are both invited to DDs sporting events.
FIL comes to 9 out of 10 of them. MIL makes no effort. Says shes not a morning person to
avoid any game before noon. Last night DD had a game at 8pm. FIL came, she didnt.
DD doesnt really like going because theyre not very active and just want to sit and talk or sit and watch TV.
I’d try and dial it back OP. Blame it on kids schedules/activities if need be.

[Anonymous]

I went once a week when my son was little. As he got involved with more activities in middle and high school, it became once a month. My mother is 30 minutes away. Now, it's more like 4-5 times a year. My son is in college, working, and my work schedule is nuts.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with local grandparents and was fortunate enough to see them about 1-2 times/week, but everyone liked everyone so there wasn’t any drama over it. Also, if something came up, nobody was upset if it didn’t work out to come for a week (or longer). If we were unavailable due to vacation or other positive things, they were happy for us.

Since I sincerely enjoyed my grandparents’ company, it was pretty common for me to visit by myself. They’d pick me up on early release days and we’d spend the afternoon playing games, or I might spend the night sometimes. My senior year, the tension between my parents and I got so bad that a weekend visit was such a relief that it was extended, and then a case of chicken pox further made sense so that I could be cared for by my retired grandparents without my parents having to take sickleave, and then it was Spring Break, so it didn’t make sense to stay home alone. . . I basically spent a month or two living with my grandparents and not seeing my parents at all, and we were all better for it.

Basically, if your kids and their grandparents mutually want to see each other, it can be arranged without burdening you significantly, and can probably be coordinated to be helpful. On the other hand, if the kids aren’t particularly invested and everyone sees it more as an obligation, 1/week and significant holidays are more than enough to fulfill any perceived responsibility, so you could even cut back without needing to feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

This is too much OP. I’ve seen families like this who are always at the grandparents house with the cousins and the kids get pretty stunted socially. It’s not healthy. Your DH’s parents raised their kids and need to back off and get a life.

[Anonymous]

Grandparent here ~ and following. No one gets to control using emotional manipulation. Think of it this way, if you give in you're teaching your children something terrible, a terrible approach to get-their-way. Make people afraid to disappoint you, that's how you control things.

Let the ILs be mad. You/Dh can not be afraid to make them mad. However, if these are your DH's parents, you should hand the phone to him - HE handles his parents. He handles their complaints. He answers to them. Not you.

I'm following. Wondering about moving closer to Grandchildren and wondering how often to see them, how often would really be ordinary.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with "local" grandparents who lived 45 minutes away, and we got together for brunch every Sunday morning. Plus grandparents came for dinners that were birthday celebrations, report card celebrations, concerts and recitals and then dinner, etc.

So once a week minimum for grandparents that live 10 minutes away.

[Anonymous]

It's so family dynamic dependent. We get together all do us maybe monthly. The kids go over to their house Friday or Saturday night weekly. They pickup from school and we pick up from their house after whichever overnight. Plus a grandparents comes to our house and does one after school afternoon a week instead of aftercare. It's working for everyone. The kids (ES) adore their grandparents, have their own rooms and toys etc over there. My parents love having them, cook for them, stay in shape for them etc etc. they are barely 70 and very active and I'm an only child. We have several families who do something similar where the generations get along and live like a village. They are 15 min away. Sure they annoy me sometimes and know way too much about our activities as we discuss weekly in case the kids or us have stuff going on and can't keep to a usual schedule. My kids request family birthdays with grandparents in attendance in addition to any parties.

[Anonymous]

OP you're going to get a rang of responses. It can be a really nice thing and a boon to the grandkids, help to the parents, and nice for the grandparents. Or it can all be a stressful obligation and yours really reads like the latter.

You keep saying things like "they get upset" (of a vacation intrudes) or "they feel slighted" (if you skip out) but - what does that really mean and so what? Part of navigating some of this is just recognizing you're not always going to please everyone but being civil enough to maintain relationships and facilitate the kid relationships.

I agree other kinds of activities may feel like less of an obligation than what you have currently and the kids' preferences factor in at some point too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is too much OP. I’ve seen families like this who are always at the grandparents house with the cousins and the kids get pretty stunted socially. It’s not healthy. Your DH’s parents raised their kids and need to back off and get a life.

This was a solid thread with many different yet reasonable interpretations and suggestions except for this one. This is a really stupid one.

[Anonymous]

I think it could be reasonable for your DH to visit more often. Are you ALL a package deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t they come to you more? Come watch a sports game or practice or something

They do do this kind of thing sometimes, but eating out is a non starter bc MIL is supposed to wear a hearing aid and it bothers her in loud places. But for them there aren’t alternatives to us going to their house and being fed. If we add other meetups they aren’t viewed as a substitute, it’s just an additional thing. And the entitlement to this fixed schedule is high. If we plan a vacation that includes Friday night they get upset. We do it anyway but there’s pushback.

Summary- you live about 15 minutes from inlaws. 2 elementary and 1 middle school children. Those 3 at MIL 1 afternoon/week plus every Friday for dinner.

Logistics? MIL/FIL do after school pick up? Get the 3 at bus stops? Is the afternoon on the weekends? hours? Don't any of the kids have anything else to do or ever want to see friends? 3 kids and each could have independent schedules for activities/sports. I don't get how all 3 are available at the same time or all available for a set time dinner every Friday. The whole thing is too rigid for the ages of your children.

[Anonymous]

Once I realized my in-laws would always be hurt / upset / disappointed no matter how much I gave them, it was so freeing. If there is no compromise that will be enough (like what you’re already doing) then just do what works for you and leave managing their feelings about it as their responsibility and not yours

[Anonymous]

I see my local parents more than once a week but my DH sees them way less and they are often helping with babysitting.