How often is it reasonable to see local grandparents?

[Anonymous]

We eat dinner my in-laws’ house literally every single Friday, and the kids go over without us typically an additional afternoon a week. I find this to be a lot, but they are pressuring us to come more after some recent health scares. (Completely baseless health scares to be clear; no one is on their death bed). Am I reasonable to keep the current schedule?

[Anonymous]

What is local (same neighborhood? 10 minute drive? 45 minute drive that can be an hour+ in traffic?) and how old are kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is local (same neighborhood? 10 minute drive? 45 minute drive that can be an hour+ in traffic?) and how old are kids?

10-15 minute low-traffic drive; 2 kids in elementary and 1 in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

This is good advice (that DH takes the kids without you) so long as weekly visits don't interfere with activities, homework, and rest. As kids get older, they get busier and shouldn't have to spend so much of their limited downtime with grandparents.

Agree that inviting them to kid events as often as possible is a good approach. We do that + a long visit once or twice a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

This is good advice (that DH takes the kids without you) so long as weekly visits don't interfere with activities, homework, and rest. As kids get older, they get busier and shouldn't have to spend so much of their limited downtime with grandparents.

Agree that inviting them to kid events as often as possible is a good approach. We do that + a long visit once or twice a month.

Agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

I already made the once-weekly concession and now I’m getting pressure to do EVEN MORE. Me not going causes drama. They feel slighted and let’s be real, they’re right.

I feel like, with them, no matter what I give in, they will reopen the negotiation for more. The boundary battle is constant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

I already made the once-weekly concession and now I’m getting pressure to do EVEN MORE. Me not going causes drama. They feel slighted and let’s be real, they’re right.

I feel like, with them, no matter what I give in, they will reopen the negotiation for more. The boundary battle is constant.

OMG! You need to emotionally disengage. I can feel the anxiety through the screen. You need to decide how much time you’re willing to give, then do it. Grey rock any complaints. Let it roll off your back. Say “okay” and smile. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Right now you’re teaching them that whining gets them what they want.

[Anonymous]

How old are they? Do they drive at night?
Do they want to come babysit on your date nights?

[Anonymous]

I’m shocked your middle schooler has time to do this during the week. I would solve this by telling my husband he should take the kids over another slot during the week while I got my own down time. He likely would not actually go then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

This is good advice (that DH takes the kids without you) so long as weekly visits don't interfere with activities, homework, and rest. As kids get older, they get busier and shouldn't have to spend so much of their limited downtime with grandparents.

Agree that inviting them to kid events as often as possible is a good approach. We do that + a long visit once or twice a month.

Agree with all of this.

Plus that as the kids age, they will likely start to have events/activities on Friday nights, so visiting G&G every Friday simply wont be a thing. Your MS kid will want to hang with friends, and most certainly when they are in HS (and the ES are then in MS) nobody will want to be at G&G on Friday/Sat/Sunday nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are they? Do they drive at night?
Do they want to come babysit on your date nights?

70s, don’t drive at night, do babysit when we ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. For me this would be too much.

How many nights does your family (parents + kids) eat dinner and reconnect?

If my spouse insisted on doing weekly Friday dinners, I would use the night for a workout class or night out with friends. Pick a different night a week where it’s just your nuclear family and enforce it. Go to in-laws once a month or something. Invite them to kids soccer games and concerts.

I already made the once-weekly concession and now I’m getting pressure to do EVEN MORE. Me not going causes drama. They feel slighted and let’s be real, they’re right.

I feel like, with them, no matter what I give in, they will reopen the negotiation for more. The boundary battle is constant.

So draw the line at one night, let your husband take them, you can join as you want. And don't give in. Personally I would limit it to a few times a month, without any set dates. I cannot imagine not having my Friday or Sat nights open to do things as just our nuclear family, and neither can my kids once they were MS+

[Anonymous]

Why can’t they come to you more? Come watch a sports game or practice or something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t they come to you more? Come watch a sports game or practice or something

They do do this kind of thing sometimes, but eating out is a non starter bc MIL is supposed to wear a hearing aid and it bothers her in loud places. But for them there aren’t alternatives to us going to their house and being fed. If we add other meetups they aren’t viewed as a substitute, it’s just an additional thing. And the entitlement to this fixed schedule is high. If we plan a vacation that includes Friday night they get upset. We do it anyway but there’s pushback.