When 1 parent practices and another doesn’t

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Is your husband just not interested, or actively hostile to going?

Growing up, my dad actively complained about going to church when my mom was trying to get us ready to go, and he would mock parts of the service under his breath. That definitely fed my resentment of going and colored my feelings about religion in general. My mom would have been better off letting him do his own thing than asking him to participate in something he didn't want to do.

If your kids are young enough still, I'd recommend trying to make Mass something special for them. We used to go out to brunch with my grandparents and my aunt after church and I still associate those brunches that I loved with church, even though I didn't love church. Even better if you can make their experience AT church joyful and something they will want to repeat themselves. Can you arrange to go and sit with their friends from school or Sunday school? Or set up a play date with those friends to help build ties to friends from church?

If they're teens, you might need to let them make their own decisions about church attendance. They're old enough by then to make decisions about their priorities and forcing them to go will likely just cause resentment. You can try to make your home practice inviting to keep them engaged. Do you say grace before meals? Can you make that fun by allowing your kids to lead, or ask them to share their favorite moment of the day, or the funniest thing they saw? Or let them choose at what volume you say the prayers (whisper it, shout, normal volume).

[Anonymous]

You can force your kids to go to church, to an extent, but you can't force them to believe any of it. I'm not sure what your objective is here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Each of you is your own person.
How dare you push your indoctrination on him?

He is an adult. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to.

And you changed the rules.

You, by your own omission, decided to become more religious. Well, that is your right, but you have no right to force that on another adult.

I basically agree with the above, but also I think I see your point of view. You wish your husband felt the way you do about religion, but he doesn't - and you won't change him. He didn't change you, right? Give it up.

By the way, growing up, my father took us to mass every Sunday while my mother stayed home and read. She said it was her only peaceful time of the week. She also was raised Catholic and practiced in the sense of going to confession and communion once a year.

Eventually, we kids grew up. My brother is a self-professed "nothing', after staying Catholic for a while, to make his wife happy. My sister is an evangelical Christian and I'm an atheist. You never know how kids are going to turn out.

OP. This is very helpful and the perspective I was seeking.

Glad it was helpful. You never know what's going to help, so it's good to hear from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Practicing Episcopalian here. My spouse only comes with me on Christmas and Easter. Our now 13yo has been coming with me since day one. We go twice a month ( I work two weekends a month) and help out with food pantry stuff too.
I’d never try and force an adult to go who doesn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

I agree, OP. You can’t make him go, but you can make it fun for the kids. Maybe there’s another mom in the same boat who’d like to get lunch after mass and go to a go playground?

[Anonymous]

Please let your child choose.
But also, I would phrase it like this —

[not, wake up on Sunday and decide. Because then it will likely not happen]

“This month, there are 4 Sundays. How many do you want to go to.”

Have the decision point be monthly/periodically/annully/something. Your kid(s) will think about it logically for themselves.

But as I said, don’t have it be decided momentarily on Sunday bc it’s easier to stay home with dad.

I think this is *completely* fair to both parents and to the kids. Choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please let your child choose.
But also, I would phrase it like this —

[not, wake up on Sunday and decide. Because then it will likely not happen]

“This month, there are 4 Sundays. How many do you want to go to.”

Have the decision point be monthly/periodically/annully/something. Your kid(s) will think about it logically for themselves.

But as I said, don’t have it be decided momentarily on Sunday bc it’s easier to stay home with dad.

I think this is *completely* fair to both parents and to the kids. Choice.

Me again. For my family, I do pressure my kids to go when they slightly say they don’t want to. Sorry, I do. DH and I both practice so we don’t have that layer.

I tell them, “you want to stay home? what valuable thing do you really have to do? If you had an answer, it would be fine to stay home. But you are asking for Roblox, a movie, being lazy at home. You have 10 other hours in the day to do this.” Truly, if they had something to do, go ahead. But they just want to laze. Because we believe in God, I also remind them how much we love him, and we’re just giving him an hour of our time.

This sounds intense! But this is a conversation back and forth, it’s not put exactly like this.

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m no longer practicing BUT my grandparents were the most religious people in my family. (My parents were moderately religious meaning we went to church once a month.) Grandma took me to mass when she watched me on Wednesday evenings and she participated in all sorts of ministries in the church.

However, even grandma and grandpa didn’t go to mass when we had our annual beach week family vacation. I’m having a hard time faulting your husband for not going to mass while traveling. It sounds like you’re hyper focusing on this one thing because you’re sad that he’s not as religious as you are. You know you can’t get mad about that so you’re looking for smaller things that you can project all your disappointment, sadness and frustration. Not a great look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

OP. Thank you, special stranger. I recall that statistic as well. I definitely will be patient. I am really touched you took time to write this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Is your husband just not interested, or actively hostile to going?

Growing up, my dad actively complained about going to church when my mom was trying to get us ready to go, and he would mock parts of the service under his breath. That definitely fed my resentment of going and colored my feelings about religion in general. My mom would have been better off letting him do his own thing than asking him to participate in something he didn't want to do.

If your kids are young enough still, I'd recommend trying to make Mass something special for them. We used to go out to brunch with my grandparents and my aunt after church and I still associate those brunches that I loved with church, even though I didn't love church. Even better if you can make their experience AT church joyful and something they will want to repeat themselves. Can you arrange to go and sit with their friends from school or Sunday school? Or set up a play date with those friends to help build ties to friends from church?

If they're teens, you might need to let them make their own decisions about church attendance. They're old enough by then to make decisions about their priorities and forcing them to go will likely just cause resentment. You can try to make your home practice inviting to keep them engaged. Do you say grace before meals? Can you make that fun by allowing your kids to lead, or ask them to share their favorite moment of the day, or the funniest thing they saw? Or let them choose at what volume you say the prayers (whisper it, shout, normal volume).

We just moved to a new state but in our old home my kids and I were very plugged into a Catholic church community. These are all fantastic comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m no longer practicing BUT my grandparents were the most religious people in my family. (My parents were moderately religious meaning we went to church once a month.) Grandma took me to mass when she watched me on Wednesday evenings and she participated in all sorts of ministries in the church.

However, even grandma and grandpa didn’t go to mass when we had our annual beach week family vacation. I’m having a hard time faulting your husband for not going to mass while traveling. It sounds like you’re hyper focusing on this one thing because you’re sad that he’s not as religious as you are. You know you can’t get mad about that so you’re looking for smaller things that you can project all your disappointment, sadness and frustration. Not a great look.

OP. Thank you. Definitely ringing true about hyper focusing.

[Anonymous]

OP you changed the stakes and you have to accept that DH is on a different page than you. If you really wanted this to be a centerpiece of your family life, you needed to have married someone who was observant and prioritized it.

I am empathetic because I'm a little similar. I was much less religious when I got married and my DH is nonreligious (not raised in any faith). I have gotten much more interested in my religious as a midlife adult and want my kids to be more connected to it. DH is ok with that but not an active participant. I just have to accept that it's different from if I had been religious at that earlier stage and prioritized marrying someone who felt similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

Realistically, it is unlikely the OP's kids will believe in the Catholic faith, much less continue to practice, into adulthood. The OP's own path demonstrates you don't need to indoctrinate children before they can think for themselves, and attempting to force it as the OP has described would seem to be counterproductive to her long-term goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get where you are coming from, OP. It sounds like your husband is willing to participate in your family faith life but not willing to take the initiative when on his own with the kids. Honestly, since you are the one who has begun to embrace your faith more seriously, you kind of need to meet him halfway. The participation level you describe is more than most Catholic families anyway. If it was me, I would accept that it's not going to happen if you aren't the driving force but try to minimize that reality in front of your kids. Go to regular Sunday Mass and Holy Days, but you bring them to Confession- the things you describe are not a hill to die on and as others have said- you cannot control other adults. Be grateful he is willing to go, pray that he becomes more active and if he is not actively bashing the Church, continue to make the faith a part of your home life too. My own kids are almost raised but I recently came across the statistic that children raised in households where the father led the faith life are four times more likely to practice Catholicism as adults. My husband was always willing to attend Mass but not as enthusiastic about praying at night or going on Holy Days. Our kids are varied in their levels of involvement now that they live on their own. I wish I had encouraged my husband to take on more of the faith formation role. I think he would have been willing because he wants our adult children to be practicing Catholics but we never really discussed it. I had that role because it meant more to me. Be patient with your husband, have a heart to heart and ask him to take some leadership in this area and lay off if it's not exactly the way you would do it. Praying for you, OP.

Realistically, it is unlikely the OP's kids will believe in the Catholic faith, much less continue to practice, into adulthood. The OP's own path demonstrates you don't need to indoctrinate children before they can think for themselves, and attempting to force it as the OP has described would seem to be counterproductive to her long-term goals.

You’re right. Ouch. I’m not forcing anything by the way. When I pray the Rosary, I never force anyone to sit with me. I don’t force Confession. In fact my kids will say I’m good, Ma and just sit in the pew and wait for me. I’m fine with that. What I am more searching to establish is that this is what we do. Faith and ritual are powerful anchors in this world and when the SHTF in life, prayer is there. That’s all. But you’re very right.