Do I need to do anything about this?

[Anonymous]

The problem with your approach is you have said “ no dating” without having a good idea of what dating looks like for 15 year olds. It is, for the most part, hanging out in groups but knowing they like each other than the others, talking /texting more etc. it might be kissing and trying out some physical stuff if they can find some privacy but it might not. It's not going on “ dates.” Unless you’re prepared to tell her that she can’t have any contact with this boy (which would seem silly given what you’ve counted so far) I think you need to focus much more on how she keeps herself safe and happy and sets her own boundaries. And, if your actual rule is “no kissing+++” something like that then you need to be explicit about it.

[Anonymous]

The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

And I have a daughter who was broken up with in 9th grade and who really struggled with self-esteem afterwards. What’s your point? In hindsight, I wish we had established some rules on dating (ie not allowing it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

I agree, and I would actually take the opposite viewpoint that A LOT of good comes out of it if they are starting to explore dating while they are young enough that you still have the ability to help them manage decision-making. As parents we don’t get to decide when our kids consider someone in their life a boyfriend or a girlfriend, we do get to decide when they are allowed to be alone with someone, when they’re given access to the healthcare they need, that they have good information about safety, respect and boundaries, etc. Also, FWIW, young relationships can often be really sweet and memorable. I work in a healthcare setting where I see a lot of teenagers with “super strict” parents and I’m telling you those kids are often at the highest risk because they have no one to talk to about decision they’re making. Please, and I mean this with kindness, be the parent your kid can talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

And I have a daughter who was broken up with in 9th grade and who really struggled with self-esteem afterwards. What’s your point? In hindsight, I wish we had established some rules on dating (ie not allowing it).

Do you try to protect your kids from all bad feelings? Isn’t it better for her to have felt that when she was home and under your wing than just a few years later when she’s off at college and surrounded by other teens and navigating a ton of other changes.

I have suffered low self esteem and it had nothing to do with dating. I want to arm my kids with tools to move on past problems, not try to snowplow all obstacles so that they don’t have to feel bad. The best way to develop their resilience is to deal with challenges and be supported during difficult times and coached to cope with hardships in healthy ways. I think the best time to deal with first heart break is in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

I agree, and I would actually take the opposite viewpoint that A LOT of good comes out of it if they are starting to explore dating while they are young enough that you still have the ability to help them manage decision-making. As parents we don’t get to decide when our kids consider someone in their life a boyfriend or a girlfriend, we do get to decide when they are allowed to be alone with someone, when they’re given access to the healthcare they need, that they have good information about safety, respect and boundaries, etc. Also, FWIW, young relationships can often be really sweet and memorable. I work in a healthcare setting where I see a lot of teenagers with “super strict” parents and I’m telling you those kids are often at the highest risk because they have no one to talk to about decision they’re making. Please, and I mean this with kindness, be the parent your kid can talk to.

OP here. This is exactly what I mean and what we restrict when it comes to dating: they aren’t allowed to be alone together. I’d love any other advice you have for making sure he/other boys don’t become the proverbial forbidden fruit before we think she’s mature enough to handle actual dating. 1:1 dating. I admit that part of my concern is that I had super strict parents and was that high-risk kid. I don’t want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for DD because I’m afraid to let her be around boys because I was sneaky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

And I have a daughter who was broken up with in 9th grade and who really struggled with self-esteem afterwards. What’s your point? In hindsight, I wish we had established some rules on dating (ie not allowing it).

Do you try to protect your kids from all bad feelings? Isn’t it better for her to have felt that when she was home and under your wing than just a few years later when she’s off at college and surrounded by other teens and navigating a ton of other changes.

I have suffered low self esteem and it had nothing to do with dating. I want to arm my kids with tools to move on past problems, not try to snowplow all obstacles so that they don’t have to feel bad. The best way to develop their resilience is to deal with challenges and be supported during difficult times and coached to cope with hardships in healthy ways. I think the best time to deal with first heart break is in high school.

I have no idea if she might have never felt those feelings had she waited until she grew up and matured a little. I don’t shield her from her feelings, but I think in hindsight, maybe it’s smart to keep them from situations where they unnecessarily need to feel them too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

I agree, and I would actually take the opposite viewpoint that A LOT of good comes out of it if they are starting to explore dating while they are young enough that you still have the ability to help them manage decision-making. As parents we don’t get to decide when our kids consider someone in their life a boyfriend or a girlfriend, we do get to decide when they are allowed to be alone with someone, when they’re given access to the healthcare they need, that they have good information about safety, respect and boundaries, etc. Also, FWIW, young relationships can often be really sweet and memorable. I work in a healthcare setting where I see a lot of teenagers with “super strict” parents and I’m telling you those kids are often at the highest risk because they have no one to talk to about decision they’re making. Please, and I mean this with kindness, be the parent your kid can talk to.

OP here. This is exactly what I mean and what we restrict when it comes to dating: they aren’t allowed to be alone together. I’d love any other advice you have for making sure he/other boys don’t become the proverbial forbidden fruit before we think she’s mature enough to handle actual dating. 1:1 dating. I admit that part of my concern is that I had super strict parents and was that high-risk kid. I don’t want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for DD because I’m afraid to let her be around boys because I was sneaky.

How do you know they aren't going off alone in the buses when she goes out with friends? You don't and you are making things much worse IMO.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, as someone who had parents like you, there is absolutely no way to make sure she isn’t alone with this guy and still be a normal parent. My parents were very strict but they also didn’t want to (thankfully!) go so far as to say I couldn’t do anything social with my girl friends. I used to get dropped off with a friend and then we would both spend the evening with our respective boyfriends. I would spend the night at friends’ houses and the boys would come to hang out. I was a member of a made up club that met twice a week. For context, I was a straight A student who ended up at a great college. Sex Ed and DARE worked on me and I didn’t do either of those things. They didn’t really have anything to worry about, but they didn’t trust my judgment.

I hope all of that doesn’t make you more strict. I really wish I could have talked to my parents and had their counsel on many things I went through in my teens and early adulthood. But there’s no going back from an initial judgmental attitude. My parents continued to be incredibly strict but even if not, I would not have trusted them with anything that they could use against me in the future. Don’t you want an honest relationship with your kid? It’s not like she’s 10 and in 3 years, she may be completely on her own doing whatever she wants!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

You also don’t know that she isn’t inviting him to join. DD had a friend with very strict parents and she found all sorts of ways to work around her parents rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're over thinking things. Have a talk with her about boys/relationships etc. But the second you start banning this boy or making sure he's not around when she's out with friends, things will go downhill. She's 15. She has a PT job and sounds like is social with friends. Sounds like she's a responsible and good kid. Don't ruin things by making her feel like she needs to sneak around.

I’m definitely not budging on her not dating right now, but I feel better about her meeting him in public with friends, and I definitely don’t want her sneaking around—I’m just looking for that happy medium.

When you say you don’t want her dating, what does the word dating mean to you? Because it seems like she is dating him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're over thinking things. Have a talk with her about boys/relationships etc. But the second you start banning this boy or making sure he's not around when she's out with friends, things will go downhill. She's 15. She has a PT job and sounds like is social with friends. Sounds like she's a responsible and good kid. Don't ruin things by making her feel like she needs to sneak around.

I’m definitely not budging on her not dating right now, but I feel better about her meeting him in public with friends, and I definitely don’t want her sneaking around—I’m just looking for that happy medium.

When you say you don’t want her dating, what does the word dating mean to you? Because it seems like she is dating him.

She's definitely dating him lol. I guess clueless+overly strict parents are better than clued-in + overly strict!