Do I need to do anything about this?

[Anonymous]

DD15 has a school crush/boyfriend. We don’t permit her to “date” but I know she has group FaceTime calls and group texts with this boy, and she sees him at school sporting events. We don’t permit her to date for a variety of reasons, mainly because nothing good can come of it at this age, but also because she is a little immature and naive for her age, and I’d prefer she spends free time working on social/life skills with girlfriends and at her very part time job. We just don’t think she’s ready.

With that said, this boy has been meeting her when she’s out with girlfriends when they are at restaurants and other teen gathering spots in the vicinity of the school. I overheard her friend asking her, “Is Larlo going to be there?” when I dropped them off.

I realize I can’t control where this boy shows up in public, but I worry that this could potentially escalate emotionally. Am I overthinking things? How should I handle this, if at all?

[Anonymous]

Every teenage girl needs to have some secrets from their parents that their friends help them out with. I think instead of hammering home that she's not allowed to date, talk to her about healthy teenage relationships, common issues that come up in them, ways boys try to manipulate girls, how to deal with emotional abuse, and tell her if she's EVER in over her head she can use you as a way to get out. "Oh, my mom won't let me/grounded me/is being super strict".

And it's okay for a slightly immature 15 yr old to flirt and talk with boys! It's okay if it escalates emotionally. It's even okay if she gets her feelings hurt! That's all part of growing up. You can't smooth out her entire life for her.

[Anonymous]

You're over thinking things. Have a talk with her about boys/relationships etc. But the second you start banning this boy or making sure he's not around when she's out with friends, things will go downhill. She's 15. She has a PT job and sounds like is social with friends. Sounds like she's a responsible and good kid. Don't ruin things by making her feel like she needs to sneak around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every teenage girl needs to have some secrets from their parents that their friends help them out with. I think instead of hammering home that she's not allowed to date, talk to her about healthy teenage relationships, common issues that come up in them, ways boys try to manipulate girls, how to deal with emotional abuse, and tell her if she's EVER in over her head she can use you as a way to get out. "Oh, my mom won't let me/grounded me/is being super strict".

And it's okay for a slightly immature 15 yr old to flirt and talk with boys! It's okay if it escalates emotionally. It's even okay if she gets her feelings hurt! That's all part of growing up. You can't smooth out her entire life for her.

I would clarify this an say if you're going to have a discussion about manipulation, don't frame it as just boys. Girls are manipulative too and can be towards friends. There was a huge issue at DS' school last year with a girl who was extremely manipulative to her friends, teachers, and boyfriend. My kid got involved because they had evidence of the manipulation and it was a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every teenage girl needs to have some secrets from their parents that their friends help them out with. I think instead of hammering home that she's not allowed to date, talk to her about healthy teenage relationships, common issues that come up in them, ways boys try to manipulate girls, how to deal with emotional abuse, and tell her if she's EVER in over her head she can use you as a way to get out. "Oh, my mom won't let me/grounded me/is being super strict".

And it's okay for a slightly immature 15 yr old to flirt and talk with boys! It's okay if it escalates emotionally. It's even okay if she gets her feelings hurt! That's all part of growing up. You can't smooth out her entire life for her.

Thanks for your kind reply, it really puts things into perspective.

[Anonymous]

I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're over thinking things. Have a talk with her about boys/relationships etc. But the second you start banning this boy or making sure he's not around when she's out with friends, things will go downhill. She's 15. She has a PT job and sounds like is social with friends. Sounds like she's a responsible and good kid. Don't ruin things by making her feel like she needs to sneak around.

I’m definitely not budging on her not dating right now, but I feel better about her meeting him in public with friends, and I definitely don’t want her sneaking around—I’m just looking for that happy medium.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

We already do that, which is how I know. He is part of her larger friend group at school, so it does make sense that she sees him, but I do have my hackles raised that it’s SHE that he comes to see, not the others, since she is a little immature. I worry he senses that.

[Anonymous]

Let the girl live. You are way too strict. Is she a sophomore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

There's no way this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

We already do that, which is how I know. He is part of her larger friend group at school, so it does make sense that she sees him, but I do have my hackles raised that it’s SHE that he comes to see, not the others, since she is a little immature. I worry he senses that.

OP it is great you are on top of this.

I am not a reactionary parent normally, but this does have red flags.

[Anonymous]

What an odd name for a boy.
But there's nothing you can do about it.

The more you tell her not to date, the more likely she is to hookup with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

We already do that, which is how I know. He is part of her larger friend group at school, so it does make sense that she sees him, but I do have my hackles raised that it’s SHE that he comes to see, not the others, since she is a little immature. I worry he senses that.

You think he likes her only because she's immature? Maybe she's just funny and kind and pretty. Nothing wrong with a boy attending things he knows the girl he likes will be at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

There's no way this is real.

Sadly, it probably is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

We already do that, which is how I know. He is part of her larger friend group at school, so it does make sense that she sees him, but I do have my hackles raised that it’s SHE that he comes to see, not the others, since she is a little immature. I worry he senses that.

You think he likes her only because she's immature? Maybe she's just funny and kind and pretty. Nothing wrong with a boy attending things he knows the girl he likes will be at.

Yeah this and the red flag person are so weird. It's so unhealthy constantly thinking there is malicious intent. It's not a healthy way to raise a daughter. You can reach her how to be safe without thinking everything is bad or dangerous.