Constant requests from kid
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Anonymous
| I just tell my kids they have to wait. My 10 year old is often interested in starting some kind of major craft project or long board game right before bathtime or when I am running out to the grocery store or whatever. The answer is no, we need to plan ahead. It's OK for them to be disappointed. I wouldn't take the asking so personally. |
Anonymous
| Just make a request back. OK, when I'm getting your stuff, can you please set the table? It will cut down on a lot of requests |
Anonymous
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Why in the world do you want to not sound annoyed? You expect way too much EQ from your 10 yo. It is by sounding annoyed that she will understand her requests are annoying. And she 100% deserves to hear it and for you NOT to be at her beck and call.
If it is for your own sanity that you don’t want to BE annoyed / feel that irritation, what I have always find the most useful is a kid friendly version of grey rocking. Not letting her emotions and sense of urgency get to you. Detach. Not your problem. And as to what to respond - the very very first step is that you need to be treated respectfully. As someone else pointed above « I want this now » is not ok. Do not acknowledge any request formulated that way. Do not in any way shape or form start to acknowledge the content of the request until it is reformulated as « please could I have this / could you help me with this ». It is extremely important. If it is a big change in what you are usually expecting from her, start by sitting her down « hey I noticed you do not ask me things politely. I am done with this and from now on I want that you … ». Don’t belabor it, don’t over explain, never repeat it. You say it once, clearly, gently but firmly and you never waver starting now. And from that point, every.single.time that She doesn’t ask something properly, you ignore it. « This is not the way to ask, how do you politely ask for something? ». - second step. How to respond to the actual request « could I please have this now ». « sure my love, I heard you, right now I am busy, so you do it yourself or wait until this WE when I will have time ». And that’s it. Don’t repeat, don’t over explain, dont negotiate, don’t soothe her exasperation. Keep a straight face, gentle smile and move on. It is not up for debate. Let her negative emotions wash over you (that s where the grey rocking comes in handy). She needs to find the ability to manage her own frustration. It is a very important skill for her to get. Give her time. Change the topic when she comes back. It is ok if she leaves raging for 10 min. Don’t be angry when she is done (except if she says something disrespectful to you. In that case send her to her bedroom to take a deep breath and calm down and demand an apology). And you can let annoyance/ disapproval be heard in your voice. « well I am obviously doing something right now, you are disturbing me for this and that’s not cool ». The key is to not be angry/ emotional about it. |
Anonymous
Just to add. The problem I think with parenting is that we hope to not have to say the same thing over and over and over again. We get frustrated by the repetition and we try to find new strategies, new words to tackle the problem. But the solution lies in the boring simple repetition. Even the most stubborn kid will eventually stop running into a boring solid blank wall that is not moving. The parent equivalent of the boring blank wall is : I state the rule nicely and clearly. I ignore / don’t acknowledge negatively attempts to negotiate the rule. I let the kid gets tired of bumping into the wall and learning on their own that there is no point. When they are done I welcome them back nicely on the road. |
Anonymous
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My 10 year old does things like this. I think it's just because 10 is a pretty self-centered age. When I ask her to think about whether this is a good time and when might be a better time, she is good about taking a step back and suggesting other solutions.
On the crochet ask, you correct tone and let her know where she can look herself (if applicable), but the underlying request doesn't seem unreasonable without the deadline, which you push back on (this weekend, if you remind me, ...). 4:45pm - While I’m helping DS with his homework, “Mom, I don’t like the plastic case my art markers come in, the lid keeps coming open. Find me a zippered bag on Amazon.” On the demand to buy something, offer a free alternative that solves the problem. Like, try a ziploc bag for now, I wouldn't want you to lose any of your expensive markers. On the word list, can she print that herself? If so, direct her on how to do it; if not, I'd actually probably do it if it's a real need for school and make her do some dinner prep/plating while I did. Cutting veggies or setting the table or whatever. I am most flexible as a rule on school work stuff though. |
Anonymous
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I get your annoyance but agree with PPs -- this is something you need to train out of her, not something she's going to figure out on her own.
My 8 yr old does stuff like this and we always ask her to rephrase, point out when her language is rude or demanding, or tell her that if it's important to her, she can do it herself. She's working on it, it's getting better. I think the reason many of us would never speak like this to our parents when we were kids is that we were raised by much more distant, authoritarian parents who would simply have ignored or shut us down if we behaved this way. No empathy or kindness. Yes, this taught use to be more polite but it also has negative impacts -- fear of speaking up to authority figures even when it is important to do so, and in many cases pretty poor adult relationships with parents. So yeah, that's effective for shutting down complaining/demanding behavior, but it doesn't work with my other parenting values. We often make it a joke. "Oh I think you have me confused with the household butler. Jeeves! Jeeves! See if you can find him and he will handle this matter for you." |
Anonymous
I saw someone post that they tell their kids that if they are actively doing something then they shouldnt ask her for help without putting in their own effort. Basically mom says If I am doing something then you need to find your own initiative. Either decide its important enough to find yourself or not. |
Anonymous
+1 Why don’t you enforce boundaries and manners? She sounds like a nightmare. Of her parents’ making. |
Anonymous
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OP this is why many elementary school teachers have a "three before me" rule (ask three classmates before coming to me, or look in three places before asking me, etc).
If you're not giving in to the requests (are you sure you're 100% consistent?), just train yourself to answer with a positive and even tone every time. Something to think about. Kids with ADHD have less impulse control, lag behind their peers in development, and need more repetitions before learning sinks in. |
Anonymous
| First, requests need to be made politely. But if she asked nicely, your replies should be, “I’m in the middle of something right now, I’ll find the crochet stuff for you later if you remind me.” (Or tell her where she can get it.) Then: “I’m not buying a bag for the markers, you can try taping the case shut or grab a ziplock, or you can use your money to buy the bag you want.” But yeah interrupting you when you’re busy and it should be obvious that you’re busy is very normal for ten. |
Anonymous
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There's a lot going on here...
I would ask her to problem solve (ask where something is after looking for it herself) understand that you are busy sometimes have a conversation about needs vs wants |
Anonymous
My DD (9 years old) is like this. FWIW, I used to be a SAHM, but have been back at work for a few years. Regardless of being home or not, I consider myself a fairly connected and responsive parent, and sometimes I think this is the price of that lol. The kids rely on me to help, provide informatino, etc. But I do try to typically respond by requiring patience. Like for the crochet, I might say, "I love that you're looking to get back into crocheting, it's such a great hobby. Can you think of a few places you can look to try to find it yourself? If you can't find it, I'll make a note that we'll find it together Saturday afternoon when we're home from sports for the day." If she complains, I say something like, "I understand your frustration because you want it now, but mom has more immediate things to do for the family like getting dinner on the table and helping with homework. I know you can be patient even though it's hard." This also is my 3rd DC, and I do think she's just a bit more impatient and impulsive than your average kid (maybe birth order, maybe just personality, who knows). This all is tiring, and it can be hard not to snap, but I do see gradual acceptance and more self-help, so I think it pays off if you don't always hop to. |
Anonymous
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This is similar to my 10 year old DS and makes me SO FRUSTRATED! I get it. He has ADHD so very poor impulse control, and low situational awareness of what annoys people. Knowing this I try to give him grace and try to explain "that is something you can do yourself" or "we dont have time time for that now" without getting mad, but it is hard!
He also sometimes reacts poorly when I say this and storms off or throws a fit so that is an extra struggle (although that is getting better). I'm glad to hear other 10 year olds are similar because I feel like he is never going to grow up and take responsibility! Someone with older kids please say it gets better. |
Anonymous
I mean, my husband is 54 and is constantly asking me to do stuff he can do just fine by himself. |
Anonymous
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Just want to say some kids make more asks than others. Mine is one of those. I willl make her wait especially if it’s something she can do herself. I will quickly be busy with something and she has to wait till I’m done or do it here. Nine times out of ten she does it herself.
For other asks like buy me this or sign me up for that I say let’s think about it. Just postpone to see if it’s a real desire or passing fad. |