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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why in the world do you want to not sound annoyed? You expect way too much EQ from your 10 yo. It is by sounding annoyed that she will understand her requests are annoying. And she 100% deserves to hear it and for you NOT to be at her beck and call.

If it is for your own sanity that you don’t want to BE annoyed / feel that irritation, what I have always find the most useful is a kid friendly version of grey rocking. Not letting her emotions and sense of urgency get to you. Detach. Not your problem.

And as to what to respond
- the very very first step is that you need to be treated respectfully. As someone else pointed above «  I want this now » is not ok. Do not acknowledge any request formulated that way. Do not in any way shape or form start to acknowledge the content of the request until it is reformulated as «  please could I have this / could you help me with this ». It is extremely important.

If it is a big change in what you are usually expecting from her, start by sitting her down «  hey I noticed you do not ask me things politely. I am done with this and from now on I want that you … ». Don’t belabor it, don’t over explain, never repeat it. You say it once, clearly, gently but firmly and you never waver starting now. And from that point, every.single.time that She doesn’t ask something properly, you ignore it. « This is not the way to ask, how do you politely ask for something? ».

- second step. How to respond to the actual request « could I please have this now ».  « sure my love, I heard you, right now I am busy, so you do it yourself or wait until this WE when I will have time ». And that’s it. Don’t repeat, don’t over explain, dont negotiate, don’t  soothe her exasperation. Keep a straight face, gentle smile and move on. It is not up for debate. Let her negative emotions wash over you (that s where the grey rocking comes in handy). She needs to find the ability to manage her own frustration. It is a very important skill for her to get. Give her time. Change the topic when she comes back. It is ok if she leaves raging for 10 min. Don’t be angry when she is done (except if she says something disrespectful to you. In that case send her to her bedroom to  take a deep breath and calm down and demand an apology).

And you can let annoyance/ disapproval be heard in your voice. «  well I am obviously doing something right now, you are disturbing me for this and that’s not  cool ». The key is to not be angry/ emotional about it.

[/quote]

Just to add. The problem I think with parenting is that we hope to not have to say the same thing over and over and over again. We get frustrated by the repetition and we try to find new strategies, new words to tackle the problem. But the solution lies in the boring simple repetition. Even the most stubborn kid will eventually stop running into a boring solid blank wall that is not moving.

The parent equivalent of the boring blank wall is  : I state the rule nicely and clearly. I ignore / don’t acknowledge negatively attempts to negotiate the rule. I let the kid gets tired of bumping into the wall and learning on their own that there is no point. When they are done I welcome them back nicely on the road.[/quote]

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