When Aging Parents Wont Mover Closer

[Anonymous]

I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

[Anonymous]

- Be careful to make sure that we are not victims of identity theft or scammers. Careful with our passwords, devices etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been through this, it’s so difficult. Emergencies involve catching flights, trying to work remotely, flying home, feeling guilty that you’re not there, and planning the next trip out. I think it’s a lot to ask of adult kids with children to also care for and FT jobs.

Yes, I remember when it was my parents going through it and now it's me. My 85yo dad is 10 hours away and has no interest in coming here and it would be insane for me to move there with kids under 18 and my job is in DC. I've offered for him to come live with us, but he is adamant that he doesn't want to. So it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are almost 80 and live in a rural area about 5 hours from DC. They are financially secure and and independent for now but cognitive ability is slipping with one of them. FIL said his plan may ultimately be to move into the local assisted living home.

if things head in that direction it would be easier and better for everyone for him or them to closer to us so that we can be there for hospital visits and emergencies. I've also seen first-hand how people without family are neglected or stolen form in these types of facilities.

I wonder how feasible it is to care for a parent so many hours away, while also working full-time?

Oh, this is very hard. I can give you some suggestions for now. We did the same for my parents and it has worked ok, But, what works best is proximity and constant monitoring. Can you make a trip every month to their house? It is easier than taking care of them every day.

1) Take a good inventory of their finances. Make sure that they are not scammed or their accounts hacked. You can take over their bill payments remotely and monitoring their accounts.

2) Employ yard maintenance companies, house cleaning company - directly. You pay for it.

3) Remove anything of value from their home that can be stolen.

4) CCTV. Ring Cam. Medical alarm.

5) Elderproof and disability proof their house. My relatively young neighbors are already installing chairlifts and elevators in prep of aging in place.

6) Find your local support team. Drs, nurses, companions, shoppers, drivers, home hairdressers etc.

7) Get their legal and financial papers in order. Get them to make a will, give you the general power of attorney, advance directives etc.

[Anonymous]

11:28 has good advice
BTDT
The kind of movers who also pack are worth the cost.
Moving into IL or AL while you still can learn schedules and make friends is better than waiting.
Also, should one die before the other, as is likely, they will be ensconced in a supportive setting.
Elder care near them is likely cheaper, not better.
You will get exhausted if you have to fly/drive there on little notice on multiple occasions.
Again, BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

I think a lot of what you wrote makes sense. But why do you seem to expect your kids to be your caregivers? You should do all these things and have a plan for how you want things to be handled when you lose abilities-and that shouldn’t be on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend just went through this with her MIL. They took YEARS to persuade her to move closer to them. Eventually what clinched it is that MIL had a couple of bruising (but not bone-breaking) falls and realized she couldn't really look after herself and her puppy (yes, she adopted a puppy in her 80s!).

The move was a nightmare, because she was a little too far gone to sort her belongings and pack just the essentials for her smaller assisted living home. So despite the distance, my friend and her husband had to spend multiple weekends sifting through her stuff and arguing with her about what she could keep and what needed to go. She was not reasonable or helpful. They couldn't just dump everything because important paperwork were missing, like the deed to her property! After weeks of looking, I think they found most of her paperwork.

And now she's in their local senior complex, they're realizing that she has greater needs than the minimal-care, independent situation she's paying for, and that soon the MIL will need to be moved to a higher level of care, within the same complex.

Moral of the story:

1. Do your best to persuade your parents to move sooner rather than later.

2. Find somewhere where they can age in place with different care levels.

You don’t really need the original deed to the property. It’s pretty easy to obtain a copy from the local government if needed.

I had a relative who was semi freaking out about finding the deed to her parents’ very cluttered house after they had both died. I called my lawyer and she said that they didn’t need to worry about it because they could get a copy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend just went through this with her MIL. They took YEARS to persuade her to move closer to them. Eventually what clinched it is that MIL had a couple of bruising (but not bone-breaking) falls and realized she couldn't really look after herself and her puppy (yes, she adopted a puppy in her 80s!).

The move was a nightmare, because she was a little too far gone to sort her belongings and pack just the essentials for her smaller assisted living home. So despite the distance, my friend and her husband had to spend multiple weekends sifting through her stuff and arguing with her about what she could keep and what needed to go. She was not reasonable or helpful. They couldn't just dump everything because important paperwork were missing, like the deed to her property! After weeks of looking, I think they found most of her paperwork.

And now she's in their local senior complex, they're realizing that she has greater needs than the minimal-care, independent situation she's paying for, and that soon the MIL will need to be moved to a higher level of care, within the same complex.

Moral of the story:

1. Do your best to persuade your parents to move sooner rather than later.

2. Find somewhere where they can age in place with different care levels.

You don’t really need the original deed to the property. It’s pretty easy to obtain a copy from the local government if needed.

I had a relative who was semi freaking out about finding the deed to her parents’ very cluttered house after they had both died. I called my lawyer and she said that they didn’t need to worry about it because they could get a copy.

Seriously-I don’t know why people freak out about this stuff in this he internet age. Even before the internet you could still get a copy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may have friends, connections, clubs, church, whatever there. Uprooting them from their entire life context would be selfish and cause both to decline.

Unfortunately when cognitive ability (and driving and hearing) goes, those things go to. And their peer group starts so die off, move away, or no longer participate. It's sad but it's the reality. They would be better off moving near OP so that OP could support them in having those things. Even though they will never see it that way.

100% this, I am dealing with it now. Parents live on one coast, all kids live on the opposite coast, no one will move. Parents should have moved 10 years ago and built a community while they could, like many of their friends who moved to be near kids and grandkids, but they were having fun. Now the remaining friends are dead or housebound, parents have no support, and there's nothing their kids can do about it. Parents seemed to have planned on dying abruptly, not declining.

OP, I think it's worth having the frank discussion, even though they probably still won't move. Ask them (or have DH ask them) what their plan is for when they can't drive or when they have an emergency. Say that you're worried about them, because if something happens where they are you will not be able to help. At least then you will have set the expectation. Leave the door open to helping them move near you if they change their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

I think a lot of what you wrote makes sense. But why do you seem to expect your kids to be your caregivers? You should do all these things and have a plan for how you want things to be handled when you lose abilities-and that shouldn’t be on your kids.

I don't think the PP is assuming that at all. But no matter how willing parents are to outsource the various aspects of their care, they usually need (and their kids want to provide) a little help with some things

[Anonymous]

It may take a fall or other emergency (big snowstorm, damage to home?) to wake them up. Don't rush to the rescue, let them experience what their choices mean. And let them struggle with trying to find local help. I have parents in an isolated rural area and it's really, really hard to find any kind of skilled or consistent help. Things like cleaning and yard work are doable but not anything like a visiting nurse. There just aren't enough people in the area, period.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you fly there? If you can, ask them to budget for you to fly to them. Any travel expenses. They probably feel much more connected to their area. If the cost of living in more doable, in their area, that would be a reason for them to stay where they are. Do you truly know costs? Costs to compare. Know where they *could* live near you?

Elders do fine w/out you being right there. Plenty of good people manage these facilities. No need for scare tactics

[Anonymous]

Let them be. They might prefer to enjoy the few years left as best they can, even if that means a slightly earlier death. I think that's a perfectly reasonable tradeoff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them be. They might prefer to enjoy the few years left as best they can, even if that means a slightly earlier death. I think that's a perfectly reasonable tradeoff.

That's not the likely tradeoff, though. Everybody thinks they're going to die of a heart attack or a quick illness. What's much more common is a stroke, or dementia, or a disease like Parkinsons, where you need a lot of assistance but linger for years.

So your loved ones get to choose between a) washing their hands of it and letting you starve or sit in your own poo until you die, or b) trying to assist from afar because you were too stubborn to move before there was a crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

I think a lot of what you wrote makes sense. But why do you seem to expect your kids to be your caregivers? You should do all these things and have a plan for how you want things to be handled when you lose abilities-and that shouldn’t be on your kids.

My parents and ILs had a plan too. They are good financially but we are the ones who are making the best decisions and taking care of logistics for them. If you have children, regardless of how great your plans are, at some point you will hand them the reins to ensure that your plans and wishes are followed through to your instruction.

If you do not have children, maybe you will trust lawyers or something. My tips are to ensure that you make it as easy for your children as possible so that they can watch out for you even remotely or from another continent. Don't leave them a hoarded up house to clean up if you are incapacitated or your die.