When Aging Parents Wont Mover Closer
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Anonymous
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My in-laws are almost 80 and live in a rural area about 5 hours from DC. They are financially secure and and independent for now but cognitive ability is slipping with one of them. FIL said his plan may ultimately be to move into the local assisted living home.
if things head in that direction it would be easier and better for everyone for him or them to closer to us so that we can be there for hospital visits and emergencies. I've also seen first-hand how people without family are neglected or stolen form in these types of facilities. I wonder how feasible it is to care for a parent so many hours away, while also working full-time? |
Anonymous
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It's not feasible, really. All you can do is accept their choice. They are choosing not to be cared for very much by you and your DH.
What you can do is be ready to move them if they agree or lose the capacity to decide. Be familiar with your local options, save up some money if you can. Make this your DH's problem to the maximum extent possible. |
Anonymous
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Their local assisted living place may be a LOT more affordable than what you'd be able to find in the DMV.
I'm not sure if they have friends/community where they are, but if so, that's another factor. Taking care of parents who live 5 hours away... it's a lot easier if your job allows telework. I'm a fed with 80yo parents who live 4 hrs away and I've thought about how SOL I'd be if something happened before fed TW policy changes back. |
Anonymous
| You appear to be looking at this entirely through the lens of what YOU want. |
Anonymous
| Having been through this, it’s so difficult. Emergencies involve catching flights, trying to work remotely, flying home, feeling guilty that you’re not there, and planning the next trip out. I think it’s a lot to ask of adult kids with children to also care for and FT jobs. |
Anonymous
| They may have friends, connections, clubs, church, whatever there. Uprooting them from their entire life context would be selfish and cause both to decline. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately when cognitive ability (and driving and hearing) goes, those things go to. And their peer group starts so die off, move away, or no longer participate. It's sad but it's the reality. They would be better off moving near OP so that OP could support them in having those things. Even though they will never see it that way. |
Anonymous
| It's tough, but this is a DH issue. Most people don't want their son or daughter-in-law’s advice, suggestions or general involvement in their end of life care. Stay out of it unless it is negatively affecting you and your children, then requestuest boundaries. |
Anonymous
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My best friend just went through this with her MIL. They took YEARS to persuade her to move closer to them. Eventually what clinched it is that MIL had a couple of bruising (but not bone-breaking) falls and realized she couldn't really look after herself and her puppy (yes, she adopted a puppy in her 80s!).
The move was a nightmare, because she was a little too far gone to sort her belongings and pack just the essentials for her smaller assisted living home. So despite the distance, my friend and her husband had to spend multiple weekends sifting through her stuff and arguing with her about what she could keep and what needed to go. She was not reasonable or helpful. They couldn't just dump everything because important paperwork were missing, like the deed to her property! After weeks of looking, I think they found most of her paperwork. And now she's in their local senior complex, they're realizing that she has greater needs than the minimal-care, independent situation she's paying for, and that soon the MIL will need to be moved to a higher level of care, within the same complex. Moral of the story: 1. Do your best to persuade your parents to move sooner rather than later. 2. Find somewhere where they can age in place with different care levels. |
Anonymous
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I would support their move into the local assisted living facility and help them do it now. It will only get harder later.
Once they are in there, you can evaluate how things are going. It will be easier to move them from one assisted living place to another if you need to, than it will be to move them from their home out to you here in dc. |
Anonymous
Yes, this. Get them to start prepping for a move far in advance of when they will do it. My parents did this but my just inlaws talked about it but that's all they ever did. Then it was too late and we had to make quick care decisions. If you are lucky, he will be serious about moving. Encourage them to gather and consolidate paperwork, earmark favorite items they want to take to the new place, and start to get rid of things. In the meantime, look into a service that will come in and evaluate the home for trip hazards and other safety issues. The local police may have a check in service where they call and report they are fine. See if they would be open to a camera to monitor in case of emergency (my mom agreed to having it in the kitchen which was fairly inobtrusive). Best of luck too you. |
Anonymous
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Their lives, their decisions, their consequences.
If one is already on board with assisted living, getting the process started earlier rather than later is good. They can deal with emergencies, they can deal with appointments, they can deal with day to day. |
Anonymous
If parents want to decay and die alone, they can. But they don't |
Anonymous
This. There is nothing else you can do OP. Push their local assisted living option if that's the one thing they might consider. |
Anonymous
| I would imagine that if I were their ages and situation and content in my town, the only thing that would convince me to move closer to my kids - is the prospect of being nearer to my grandkids. |