The "village". Why communal child rearing doesn't translate easily to American culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all very obvious. Collectivist cultures Also have a high degree of respect for the elderly. Even if they're MAGA, obese, hillbilly boomers.
Won't happen here.

Collective cultures don’t tolerate some kid growing up and becoming Trump.

I don’t know if trump is good example, but the tolerance for certain behaviors from children is not acceptable. To get group help, you must accept the behavioral standards of that group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:American families value isolation and individualism. A lot of grandparents do not want to take on high level responsibilities in raising grandchildren. A lot of people don’t want their parents living with them unless they are at the point where they are aged and need elder care. A lot of cultures have multigenerational homes, we don’t really do that here. We soon might be forced to due to cost of living, but it is not desired by most people.

+1
I am lucky enough to have a mother who helped me a great deal when my kids were small. The tradeoff is that she had a LOT of say in how they were raised, insisted that I have only two kids (she would have made my life hell if I had three), and basically treats my husband like an unwanted stepchild (since it's "his fault" that she needed to help in the first place by not earning enough for me to SAH.)
Sometimes I fantasize about moving far away and being independent but it's water under the bridge. I'll care for her when she needs it and she'll continue to criticize me. The kids are what matter because they're the future, and she loves them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is African but I was raised in Canada. I remember when I was a teen in Canada and I would go to an African hair braiding salon. As many know, hair braiding can take many hours. Women would come in with their small children and all of the women - workers and random customers - would take care of the children collectively. One women walked in and asked if I could watch her baby while she ran out for a while and she just plopped the baby on my lap and left. I was a complete stranger. However, I was honored to take care of the baby, and I understood that it was the culture.

Haha this reminds me of when I was traveling when I was younger. I had random babies plopped onto my lap by busy moms so many times, usually on trains, waiting at bus stations, or a couple of times by a market. This happened all over the world. The first time it happened, I was a bit shocked, but then I realized the mom thought I seemed/looked trustworthy. It's sort of nice, someone having that level of trust in you, a perfect stranger-- though I can't imagine it happening in many places here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think most people here who say “it takes a village” or whatever really just mean “it’s great when someone can pick up my kids after school” or similar. There is no actual desire for any kind of collective parenting model, which I agree goes totally against American culture.

Yep! I have zero desire for a "real village" as defined here. I prefer my American definition- I can get someone to help occasionally. I don't want people raising my kids other than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a village is a wonderful thing, but it by definition it means you can't have strict boundaries--something which is sacrosanct for most Americans. Close ties and deep loving relationships with extended family and family friends are more important than boundaries for me personally, and I believe they will benefit my children more in the long run, but I know this view is in the minority in the current culture.

Great! Go home to your cultue.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws don't even want to take my kids out for ice cream, let alone babysit.

Even when we visit my inlaws as a family of 4, they essentially want the children to be seen and not heard so they can talk to us (the adults.)

Since my own mom passed away prematurely and I'm not close with my dad, my children have zero concept of what a caring, loving grandparent relationship looks like.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re incorrect. I think it comes down to the fact that American women can earn money and aren’t interested in providing free labor for others. I’d argue people in your village didn’t have good opportunities, including even leisure activities, and were expected to provide unpaid labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:American families value isolation and individualism. A lot of grandparents do not want to take on high level responsibilities in raising grandchildren. A lot of people don’t want their parents living with them unless they are at the point where they are aged and need elder care. A lot of cultures have multigenerational homes, we don’t really do that here. We soon might be forced to due to cost of living, but it is not desired by most people.

They have multigenerational homes and a “village” to raise a child because they don’t have the resource to live independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re incorrect. I think it comes down to the fact that American women can earn money and aren’t interested in providing free labor for others. I’d argue people in your village didn’t have good opportunities, including even leisure activities, and were expected to provide unpaid labor.

Individualism mindset. Refusal to help each other even though it is what is best for everyone. “Free Labor” you mean helping out your family members???

[Anonymous]

When my Sri Lankan immigrant parents got married and were thinking of having children they purposely created a village with two of my aunt and uncle’s and their respective families. I was the third born in that set up after two cousins under a year older than me. Our dads worked full time while the mothers all got part time jobs which they were able to co ordinate so one of them was always at home for group baby sitting.

I loved it, I regarded my cousins as siblings since we were always together. However there was very clear boundaries around who where the actual parents, my aunt used to use corporal punishment with a wooden spoon on her son but she never touched me, my parents forbade it.

There are ways to integrate American values into the village. Carpooling, backyard barbecues and neighbourhood watches are very middle class suburbia staples etc

[Anonymous]

While I feel like I do have a village, or the American version, with my friends and neighbors, I don’t think Americans would do well with the true, old school village version.

People freak out if someone else disciplines or reprimands, even mildly, their children. It just won’t work here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws don't even want to take my kids out for ice cream, let alone babysit.

Even when we visit my inlaws as a family of 4, they essentially want the children to be seen and not heard so they can talk to us (the adults.)

Since my own mom passed away prematurely and I'm not close with my dad, my children have zero concept of what a caring, loving grandparent relationship looks like.

My eldest is 10, my inlaws live 2 miles away, and they have never ridden in a car driven by their grandparents.
They ask "how's school. Are you doing any sports" and that's the end of the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re incorrect. I think it comes down to the fact that American women can earn money and aren’t interested in providing free labor for others. I’d argue people in your village didn’t have good opportunities, including even leisure activities, and were expected to provide unpaid labor.

Individualism mindset. Refusal to help each other even though it is what is best for everyone. “Free Labor” you mean helping out your family members???

DP
I would consider that free labor as it mostly falls unfairly to women who are treated as "less than" - in other cultures and in ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When my Sri Lankan immigrant parents got married and were thinking of having children they purposely created a village with two of my aunt and uncle’s and their respective families. I was the third born in that set up after two cousins under a year older than me. Our dads worked full time while the mothers all got part time jobs which they were able to co ordinate so one of them was always at home for group baby sitting.

I loved it, I regarded my cousins as siblings since we were always together. However there was very clear boundaries around who where the actual parents, my aunt used to use corporal punishment with a wooden spoon on her son but she never touched me, my parents forbade it.

There are ways to integrate American values into the village. Carpooling, backyard barbecues and neighbourhood watches are very middle class suburbia staples etc

So the women sacrificed their careers so they could be underpaid at work and free labor at home. None of the men watched the children or took shifts? Did they have disabilities if this was a necessity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws don't even want to take my kids out for ice cream, let alone babysit.

Even when we visit my inlaws as a family of 4, they essentially want the children to be seen and not heard so they can talk to us (the adults.)

Since my own mom passed away prematurely and I'm not close with my dad, my children have zero concept of what a caring, loving grandparent relationship looks like.

My eldest is 10, my inlaws live 2 miles away, and they have never ridden in a car driven by their grandparents.
They ask "how's school. Are you doing any sports" and that's the end of the conversation.

I have 2 teens and my parents are the same. My mom told me "I raised my kids and I'm not helping you raise yours". I remember that message from when I was a small child. I've never asked her to look after my kids - I know the answer. Plus a nanny will follow my rules.