Is this gaslighting?

[Anonymous]

My parents abused me years before. Everyone knew. For a bit I allowed my kids to go with my parents for a meal and a hotel swim once or twice a year. First I spoke to them about not hitting or disciplining my two. They said, "Oh no, that's the parents job." When they were 5 & 8 they swam at my parents' hotel with my favored brother who was 45ish. My brother pulled my 5yo into the pool by her ankle. My two went to my mother to complain. She told my two to "work it out amidst themselves," i.e., just them and their uncle work it out. All this is to say, if someone is horrible enough to routinely demonize and abuse a blameless child, even if they stop the abuse, they still have a very warped view of right/wrong/appropriateness. Be smarter than me. Keep them away from her, or make sure a trusted chaperone (not you -- send hub) is there to intervene if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and I would cut her out of my life. She abused you and is an awful person.

+1

[Anonymous]

You do not need to sacrifice your wellbeing and peace for your kids to have a grandma - that doesn’t necessarily serve them well either as I’m sure having her around impacts you / your well being / your stress level / your ability to parent the way you want

Lots of kids grow up without grandparents or grandparents they only see once a year or less. If you want your kids to have someone that dotes on them and thinks they’re amazing, ask a friend to fill that role or participate in the adopt a grandparent program or find a kindly neighbor (that’s what I had growing up as my grandparents all lived far away)

Please don’t sacrifice yourself in thisb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

Wow. This is warped thinking and I know you have good intentions but bad parenting on your part. Your kids will eventually get the treatment and even if they don’t they see you getting it now. Stand up for yourself. No crafts and robot kits are worth it.

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this (similar story, different details). I expect very little from my relationship with her. I do not expect her to change. At one point, I told her that I would not visit her if the physical outbursts continue with any member of my family. Then I didn’t see her for two years. I’ve learned to treat her like a toddler because that is her emotional functioning level. Other than that, I just let her social behavior (gossiping to her friends) go. I do edit what I tell her and let her overhear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

Wow. This is warped thinking and I know you have good intentions but bad parenting on your part. Your kids will eventually get the treatment and even if they don’t they see you getting it now. Stand up for yourself. No crafts and robot kits are worth it.

Not necessarily but OP needs to make it clear that the physical outbursts will not be tolerated with the kids. Grandparents often treat grandchildren better than children. Even emotionally warped ones.

[Anonymous]

Oh, dear. She's an abuser, OP. I would cut contact from her and not have her around your family at all. She is verbally abusive, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

No way would I have someone who regularly beat me up around my kids.

She will work to turn the kids against you one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to beat me as a kid. She would hit me over 40 times with belts, wooden spoons, and would throw items at me and then be mad at me for them breaking. She called me stupid, ugly, said she wished I'd never been born, etc. Once, after my ACL was repaired, she threw my AP biology and AP history books at my leg. Things like that. I could go on, but you get the point.

My mom now likes to tell people that I bruise easily and that I make things up. Is this gaslighting?

I get annoyed when my mom tells my husband how difficult I was as a kid. What did I do wrong? I never smoked or drank. I didn't party. I studied and practiced all the time. I walked myself to a nearby church and participated in the youth group. I studied philosophy in an attempt to teach myself how to be a good person.

Anyway, is it gaslighting when my mom tells me that I bruise easily? I don't bruise easily. I haven't had a bruise since my last c-section 10 years ago.

These things might be true. Why do we need to assume otherwise. There is a possibility that you are lying, or have no concept that you can be in the wrong, ever.

Op please ignore this very terrible person.
Pp what is wrong with you "?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

I would've cut her out of my life prior to kids, probably as soon as I moved out of her home.

[Anonymous]

She sounds nuts. You are not helping your children out by exposing them to her.

[Anonymous]

Why is she still in your life, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

Still would not be around my kids.
The reason why?
Because you do not understand or operate boundaries.
You allow yourself to be continually abused and don’t think she would do that to your kids.
Your kids deserve people they can trust, not an abuser in disguise.
If she abuses you, by extension, she is abusing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are extremely forgiving.

I would not use "forgiving" because it might reinforce this. It's SELF -DESTRUCTIVE. It's one thing to forgive a parent who is fully accountable and regrets their past behavior, apologizes and gets help. Here it's just destructive not just to self actually, but to the family. What message are they giving to their own children about abuse? Be a roll model and have major boundaries. Of course she is gaslighting and it's a covert smear campaign if she insists to others you bruise easily because if they recall you having a lot of bruises she is implying you are a drama queen-it wasn't abuse, it was your bruising issue.