Is this gaslighting?

[Anonymous]

My mom used to beat me as a kid. She would hit me over 40 times with belts, wooden spoons, and would throw items at me and then be mad at me for them breaking. She called me stupid, ugly, said she wished I'd never been born, etc. Once, after my ACL was repaired, she threw my AP biology and AP history books at my leg. Things like that. I could go on, but you get the point.

My mom now likes to tell people that I bruise easily and that I make things up. Is this gaslighting?

I get annoyed when my mom tells my husband how difficult I was as a kid. What did I do wrong? I never smoked or drank. I didn't party. I studied and practiced all the time. I walked myself to a nearby church and participated in the youth group. I studied philosophy in an attempt to teach myself how to be a good person.

Anyway, is it gaslighting when my mom tells me that I bruise easily? I don't bruise easily. I haven't had a bruise since my last c-section 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and I would cut her out of my life. She abused you and is an awful person.

[Anonymous]

Why is your mother still in your life and around your family?

[Anonymous]

Yes, gaslighting. She sounds horrible. Why is she still in your life??

[Anonymous]

OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, that is definitely both physical and mental abuse. It's big of you to set it aside so your kids can have a grandma. I would be careful about leaving them alone with her in case she lies about you to them or abuses them in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

Please do not leave her alone with your children. She is abusive. I would not care that she is the only grandparent left. I would get into therapy for a second opinion.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is.
My parents were abusive and still can be. But I allowed them to spend time with my DS.
One day my mom said to my son, who was around age 11, that I really should be paying her to babysit him.
I was appalled - for him, for me.
There is more, but after that, I never asked her to watch him again. I am a single parent and had to travel for work. I found other people, camps, or brought him with me.

Now he is old enough to decide if he wants to visit his grandparents. I think he’s not sure how welcome he would be, so he doesn’t. Of course they think it’s bad that he doesn’t want to visit. I don’t push it. I don’t enjoy the visits either— they can be insulting, guilt tripping me —- I put up with this for years. Decades. But when I saw they could be harmful to my DS, I didn’t see the point anymore.

Sorry OP that you are experiencing this. Your children will eventually see their grandparents for who they are. You could decide to stop the visits but it’s not easy, I get it.

[Anonymous]

You guys are extremely forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is gaslighting.

Why aren’t you asking your therapist?

As for why she is in your life, your reasoning is greatly flawed. It’s just straight up nonsense. It speaks to how you haven’t healed from the abuse.

This woman does not get the benefit of being the doting grandmother. Her actions have consequences. I promise that your kids will be perfectly fine. You’re not punishing them by keeping them from a monster who hurt their mother. Make friends with some elderly neighbors who can dote on your kids.

I’m surprised your spouse is allowing this relationship to continue.

[Anonymous]

That's not even gaslighting- that's just lying.

Gaslighting is when someone's manipulations are so good that you question yourself. But it doesn't sound like you are. You KNOW she beat you. But your wording makes it sound like it is still present tense. If so- you need to cut contact or little eyes will be watching and taking it all in.

1 Stop being a martyr and stop lying for her. Every time she talks about your bruising, calmly reply that getting hit 40 times with a spoon will do that, or that getting textbooks thrown at surgical sites will do that. PS if she is bringing this up to normal adults- they will know that this is a strange topic and that she is covering abuse. Why would any adult talk about ANY other human's bruising in normal conversation?

2 If you have not told your spouse, you must. You should also tell your kids when they are old enough. So that they can learn healthier boundaries.

3 Never leave her alone with them. It's only a mother of time and every time you leave them is an opportunity for her to lie to them about you at best, and abuse them at worst. By keeping this a secret, they will not know to share it with you when it happens.

4 I'd ask each of them "has grandma ever said anything to you that was confusing or strange" and see what they say.

5 You seem to value the concept of 'grandparent' more than the potential for further trauma. Seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Awww. This is terrible. I think you need to consider cutting her out of her life. While it’s nice for them to have a doting grandparent, it’s not going to make or break their childhood if she’s not present.
Have you gone to therapy? And yes it is gaslighting and she was a terrible mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

Please do not leave her alone with your children. She is abusive. I would not care that she is the only grandparent left. I would get into therapy for a second opinion.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in my life because she is the only grandparent my kids have left, and she is very doting to my kids.

She does crafts with them and buys them interesting presents, like funny picture books and robot kits. My kids love her.

But she is awful to me. I have always been her punching bag, sometimes literally. I am the only one who gets this treatment.

You allow a known child abuser, manipulator, liar, and gaslighter near your children? Wow. Get therapy and cut her off. Your children don’t need a grandmother who is not worthy of the title of “mother.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to beat me as a kid. She would hit me over 40 times with belts, wooden spoons, and would throw items at me and then be mad at me for them breaking. She called me stupid, ugly, said she wished I'd never been born, etc. Once, after my ACL was repaired, she threw my AP biology and AP history books at my leg. Things like that. I could go on, but you get the point.

My mom now likes to tell people that I bruise easily and that I make things up. Is this gaslighting?

I get annoyed when my mom tells my husband how difficult I was as a kid. What did I do wrong? I never smoked or drank. I didn't party. I studied and practiced all the time. I walked myself to a nearby church and participated in the youth group. I studied philosophy in an attempt to teach myself how to be a good person.

Anyway, is it gaslighting when my mom tells me that I bruise easily? I don't bruise easily. I haven't had a bruise since my last c-section 10 years ago.

These things might be true. Why do we need to assume otherwise. There is a possibility that you are lying, or have no concept that you can be in the wrong, ever.