Can a grown man become more mature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

OP I say this with kindness as someone who struggled with unemployment early in my career… your husband can sense your critique of his “fervor” and it is not. Helping.

This is a very difficult and complicated situation for both of you and I would recommend he engage with therapy or you engage with therapy. I think it’s actually really hard for a man to be in this position involuntarily because like it or not society casts him as less of a man no matter how hard he is trying to find work because you are picking up the slack. It doesn’t help that you think of him as less of a man too.

I think a lot of people, particularly charming white guys, go through life without the kinds of problems that give a person grit and then sort of collapse when those problems come.

Whatever you end up doing you need to approach it with grace and kindness.

This. My husband went through a period of unemployment after a layoff. He had to change careers and start over in another field. Your husband knows what's going on but it can be hard to face. This is also a time for YOU to learn resiliency and see how mature you are. Can you still love a person through a giant challenge? It's not easy but you too will grow from the experience too. At one point I accepted that I might always be the only breadwinner. Having this experience made me a much more compassionate person towards others' hardships and I think I became more mature myself.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Dh seems ‘stuck’ in his late 20s and I’m not sure what to do. When we got married he was nice and funny, he had an exciting job in news, he was kind. He is still kind and funny but the job in news has turned to unemployment and a lack of ambition to get a new role/ reliance on me. He seems stuck and still telling the same stories and laughing at the same things as we did in our 20s, only now we are mid 40s and I am the breadwinner. I really don’t want to split time with the kids but I am at a loss and feel like I did not sign up for a 3rd kid. Is there anything that would work as a therapy to make Dh ‘grow up’ and take life more seriously? Im endlessly depressed about this situation

He will likely never have a professional job at that level again. He knows it.

It was hard before to get a job when laid off at middle age but with AI and the quiet recession, he knows he’s going to settle career wise. He’s probably reverting to a happier time in his life for nostalgia and gallows humor. Reminiscing about what he did and could have done… etc.

He also sensed your frustration, but people aren’t hiring. He should become a teacher but will that work in your eyes? You remain the breadwinner right?

[Anonymous]

My wife is stuck in her teens. She's 46. Will she ever change? No. I've given up.

Can people change later in life? Yes, I believe they can. But, only if it's due to a major life change (divorce, death, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that unless they’re jolted in their 20s by a very difficult external event (traumatic loss, disaster, violence, illness, etc) men only get less mature and dependent as they age if they don’t start with a certain level of seriousness about life in young adulthood.

This is so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is stuck in her teens. She's 46. Will she ever change? No. I've given up.

Can people change later in life? Yes, I believe they can. But, only if it's due to a major life change (divorce, death, etc).

What does that look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh seems ‘stuck’ in his late 20s and I’m not sure what to do. When we got married he was nice and funny, he had an exciting job in news, he was kind. He is still kind and funny but the job in news has turned to unemployment and a lack of ambition to get a new role/ reliance on me. He seems stuck and still telling the same stories and laughing at the same things as we did in our 20s, only now we are mid 40s and I am the breadwinner. I really don’t want to split time with the kids but I am at a loss and feel like I did not sign up for a 3rd kid. Is there anything that would work as a therapy to make Dh ‘grow up’ and take life more seriously? Im endlessly depressed about this situation

Omfg I could have written this but we are 10 years older.

I wouldn’t divorce until kids are older tbh but I’d start planning and separating finances as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

OP I say this with kindness as someone who struggled with unemployment early in my career… your husband can sense your critique of his “fervor” and it is not. Helping.

This is a very difficult and complicated situation for both of you and I would recommend he engage with therapy or you engage with therapy. I think it’s actually really hard for a man to be in this position involuntarily because like it or not society casts him as less of a man no matter how hard he is trying to find work because you are picking up the slack. It doesn’t help that you think of him as less of a man too.

I think a lot of people, particularly charming white guys, go through life without the kinds of problems that give a person grit and then sort of collapse when those problems come.

Whatever you end up doing you need to approach it with grace and kindness.

This. My husband went through a period of unemployment after a layoff. He had to change careers and start over in another field. Your husband knows what's going on but it can be hard to face. This is also a time for YOU to learn resiliency and see how mature you are. Can you still love a person through a giant challenge? It's not easy but you too will grow from the experience too. At one point I accepted that I might always be the only breadwinner. Having this experience made me a much more compassionate person towards others' hardships and I think I became more mature myself.

DP. This is very important to read. I also have a dh like ops, and yours I guess. I’m the primary breadwinner and it’s frustrating as I didn’t expect this, and I think dh spends too freely. I guess I sound like an angry husband, right? Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

OP I say this with kindness as someone who struggled with unemployment early in my career… your husband can sense your critique of his “fervor” and it is not. Helping.

This is a very difficult and complicated situation for both of you and I would recommend he engage with therapy or you engage with therapy. I think it’s actually really hard for a man to be in this position involuntarily because like it or not society casts him as less of a man no matter how hard he is trying to find work because you are picking up the slack. It doesn’t help that you think of him as less of a man too.

I think a lot of people, particularly charming white guys, go through life without the kinds of problems that give a person grit and then sort of collapse when those problems come.

Whatever you end up doing you need to approach it with grace and kindness.

This. My husband went through a period of unemployment after a layoff. He had to change careers and start over in another field. Your husband knows what's going on but it can be hard to face. This is also a time for YOU to learn resiliency and see how mature you are. Can you still love a person through a giant challenge? It's not easy but you too will grow from the experience too. At one point I accepted that I might always be the only breadwinner. Having this experience made me a much more compassionate person towards others' hardships and I think I became more mature myself.

DP. This is very important to read. I also have a dh like ops, and yours I guess. I’m the primary breadwinner and it’s frustrating as I didn’t expect this, and I think dh spends too freely. I guess I sound like an angry husband, right? Sigh.

You should have married an older man.
Now you are past prime and won't be able to get a man close to you age, and he will re-do it with another younger woman now that he's getting older and more mature.

Amazed how many women refuse to admit this. Must be an American white cultural thing to try to marry men so young and their age or even younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

Ever noticed how the white collar workers need therapy and won't get just any job, while the blue collar workers will take almost any job available? It's like the white collar ones live in their HEAD more than in real life with bills to pay.
Restaurants are hiring. I just helped a friend of a friend start in the business with no experience. He is about to apply at another restaurant, because then he can work over 40-60+ hours a week in total.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

Ever noticed how the white collar workers need therapy and won't get just any job, while the blue collar workers will take almost any job available? It's like the white collar ones live in their HEAD more than in real life with bills to pay.
Restaurants are hiring. I just helped a friend of a friend start in the business with no experience. He is about to apply at another restaurant, because then he can work over 40-60+ hours a week in total.

I can see the class argument you're trying to make, but there are slackers and manboys in all categories. Plenty of "blue collar" folks are immature do-nothings too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is stuck in her teens. She's 46. Will she ever change? No. I've given up.

Can people change later in life? Yes, I believe they can. But, only if it's due to a major life change (divorce, death, etc).

What does that look like?

Sounds like the Landman wife.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's possible.

I would assume that a lot of counseling is in order. Counseling for him to help w/ whatever he's struggling w/ that's getting in his way. Counseling for you to find a way to live with it (or make decisions). Counseling for both of you to work on the marriage. And I'd prioritize it in that order.

You may need to be (kindly) candid about the marriage being on the line if the two of you can't figure out some better dynamics. And he may have very legitimate things to work through.

[Anonymous]

If he wants to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

OP I say this with kindness as someone who struggled with unemployment early in my career… your husband can sense your critique of his “fervor” and it is not. Helping.

This is a very difficult and complicated situation for both of you and I would recommend he engage with therapy or you engage with therapy. I think it’s actually really hard for a man to be in this position involuntarily because like it or not society casts him as less of a man no matter how hard he is trying to find work because you are picking up the slack. It doesn’t help that you think of him as less of a man too.

I think a lot of people, particularly charming white guys, go through life without the kinds of problems that give a person grit and then sort of collapse when those problems come.

Whatever you end up doing you need to approach it with grace and kindness.

This. My husband went through a period of unemployment after a layoff. He had to change careers and start over in another field. Your husband knows what's going on but it can be hard to face. This is also a time for YOU to learn resiliency and see how mature you are. Can you still love a person through a giant challenge? It's not easy but you too will grow from the experience too. At one point I accepted that I might always be the only breadwinner. Having this experience made me a much more compassionate person towards others' hardships and I think I became more mature myself.

DP. This is very important to read. I also have a dh like ops, and yours I guess. I’m the primary breadwinner and it’s frustrating as I didn’t expect this, and I think dh spends too freely. I guess I sound like an angry husband, right? Sigh.

You should have married an older man.
Now you are past prime and won't be able to get a man close to you age, and he will re-do it with another younger woman now that he's getting older and more mature.

Amazed how many women refuse to admit this. Must be an American white cultural thing to try to marry men so young and their age or even younger.

Hope she enjoys supporting him!

[Anonymous]

No. And you can’t afford a divorce.