Can a grown man become more mature?

[Anonymous]

Dh seems ‘stuck’ in his late 20s and I’m not sure what to do. When we got married he was nice and funny, he had an exciting job in news, he was kind. He is still kind and funny but the job in news has turned to unemployment and a lack of ambition to get a new role/ reliance on me. He seems stuck and still telling the same stories and laughing at the same things as we did in our 20s, only now we are mid 40s and I am the breadwinner. I really don’t want to split time with the kids but I am at a loss and feel like I did not sign up for a 3rd kid. Is there anything that would work as a therapy to make Dh ‘grow up’ and take life more seriously? Im endlessly depressed about this situation

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to him about it?

[Anonymous]

Of course. However, nothing you can do though.

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed.

Can he retrain for a new career? Journalism is rough these days and only getting worse.

[Anonymous]

If a man relies on wife it’s DCUM worthy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH is more mature now than when we married, and so am I. We did go to marriage counseling, which helped. We also broke with his old friends (a lot of single guys, hard drinkers) and found a community of parents our age with similar values. The counselor was a helpful kick in the pants but being surrounded by other guys who are involved parents was more relevant to long term change. I am the breadwinner (always have been) but DH pulls his weight and does a lot in our community.

BTW, we continually renegotiate his time-intensive hobby and my job demands: there's no one-time fix after which you don't have to work on things.

I agree your DH sounds depressed and would benefit from counseling on his own, too.

[Anonymous]

A grown man? Likely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh seems ‘stuck’ in his late 20s and I’m not sure what to do. When we got married he was nice and funny, he had an exciting job in news, he was kind. He is still kind and funny but the job in news has turned to unemployment and a lack of ambition to get a new role/ reliance on me. He seems stuck and still telling the same stories and laughing at the same things as we did in our 20s, only now we are mid 40s and I am the breadwinner. I really don’t want to split time with the kids but I am at a loss and feel like I did not sign up for a 3rd kid. Is there anything that would work as a therapy to make Dh ‘grow up’ and take life more seriously? Im endlessly depressed about this situation

A "grown man" doesn't behave this way in the first place. I guess, in a positive framing, that means there's still room and time for him to mature. Unfortunately, since he hasn't already done that for himself, the anticipated timeline doesn't suggest it'll happen in your lifetime.

Anyone can mature, with choice and effort. Most people don't make that choice or put in the effort required to get results.

[Anonymous]

How long has he been unemployed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

[Anonymous]

What’s role on kid and household duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh seems ‘stuck’ in his late 20s and I’m not sure what to do. When we got married he was nice and funny, he had an exciting job in news, he was kind. He is still kind and funny but the job in news has turned to unemployment and a lack of ambition to get a new role/ reliance on me. He seems stuck and still telling the same stories and laughing at the same things as we did in our 20s, only now we are mid 40s and I am the breadwinner. I really don’t want to split time with the kids but I am at a loss and feel like I did not sign up for a 3rd kid. Is there anything that would work as a therapy to make Dh ‘grow up’ and take life more seriously? Im endlessly depressed about this situation

Has he done any retraining?

Anyone in news the last 30 years or so has had a rough time of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been unemployed?

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect

OP I say this with kindness as someone who struggled with unemployment early in my career… your husband can sense your critique of his “fervor” and it is not. Helping.

This is a very difficult and complicated situation for both of you and I would recommend he engage with therapy or you engage with therapy. I think it’s actually really hard for a man to be in this position involuntarily because like it or not society casts him as less of a man no matter how hard he is trying to find work because you are picking up the slack. It doesn’t help that you think of him as less of a man too.

I think a lot of people, particularly charming white guys, go through life without the kinds of problems that give a person grit and then sort of collapse when those problems come.

Whatever you end up doing you need to approach it with grace and kindness.

[Anonymous]

no

[Anonymous]

I think that unless they’re jolted in their 20s by a very difficult external event (traumatic loss, disaster, violence, illness, etc) men only get less mature and dependent as they age if they don’t start with a certain level of seriousness about life in young adulthood.