Reply to Can a grown man become more mature?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How long has he been unemployed?[/quote]

Op - a year now. He has been looking but not with quite the fervor a man with a family ‘should’. It’s sort of uneven maturity - he’s not like an open shut case of manchild and he has therapy but his struggles with emotional self regulation and sustained ambition and focus and even interest in finances and administration is all still very much a wip - and I would love to see him just make some more progress there as it has really eroded my respect [/quote]

OP I say this with kindness as someone who struggled with unemployment early in my career… your husband can sense your critique of his “fervor” and it is not. Helping.

This is a very difficult and complicated situation for both of you and I would recommend he engage with therapy or you engage with therapy.  I think it’s actually really hard for a man to be in this position involuntarily because like it or not society casts him as less of a man no matter how hard he is trying to find work because you are picking up the slack.  It doesn’t help that you think of him as less of a man too.

I think a lot of people, particularly charming white guys, go through life without the kinds of problems that give a person grit and then sort of collapse when those problems come.

Whatever you end up doing you need to approach it with grace and kindness.[/quote]
This. My husband went through a period of unemployment after a layoff. He had to change careers and start over in another field. Your husband knows what's going on but it can be hard to face. This is also a time for YOU to learn resiliency and see how mature you are. Can you still love a person through a giant challenge? It's not easy but you too will grow from the experience too. At one point I accepted that I might always be the only breadwinner. Having this experience made me a much more compassionate person towards others' hardships and I think I became more mature myself. [/quote]

DP. This is very important to read. I also have a dh like ops, and yours I guess. I’m the primary breadwinner and it’s frustrating as I didn’t expect this, and I think dh spends too freely. I guess I sound like an angry husband, right? Sigh. [/quote]

You should have married an older man. 
Now you are past prime and won't be able to get a man close to you age, and he will re-do it with another younger woman now that he's getting older and more mature.

Amazed how many women refuse to admit this. Must be an American white cultural thing to try to marry men so young and their age or even younger. [/quote]

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