Leaving people to wallow

[Anonymous]

Why are you so nasty?

Life isn't all about what YOU want, OP. Do you change when others ask you to? Do they sneer at you when you can't and call you a loser and accuse you of reveling in your victimhood? Those are some really brutal words. If someone applied them to you, you'd be devastated.

Your thread is all about how you despise certain people, and it just reeks of smug self-absorption and a striking lack of self-awareness. You have flaws too, including thinking you're better than everyone else. The way you're portraying yourself here, I don't think you are. I have sympathy for the poor souls you are treading into the ground.

[Anonymous]

Hmm.

I've been reading DCUM for more than 15 years, OP.

To be credible, thread creators describe their lived experience with factual details and examples, *avoid inserting brutally negative value judgments*, and then they have a chance of being believed and being treated like human beings.

You have no details.
You casually insult the people you have not described and group them as losers.
You clearly position yourself as a superior arbiter of what's allowed and what's not.
And you expect us to take your side.

Well, sorry, but you're not convincing. Seems to me you're the loser here, for intolerable arrogance.

[Anonymous]

OP, I liked your post
Your point of view is worth considering
People's propensity for drama varies and we are all entitled to a preference - to choose with whom we spend our energy and time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why are you so nasty?

Life isn't all about what YOU want, OP. Do you change when others ask you to? Do they sneer at you when you can't and call you a loser and accuse you of reveling in your victimhood? Those are some really brutal words. If someone applied them to you, you'd be devastated.

Your thread is all about how you despise certain people, and it just reeks of smug self-absorption and a striking lack of self-awareness. You have flaws too, including thinking you're better than everyone else. The way you're portraying yourself here, I don't think you are. I have sympathy for the poor souls you are treading into the ground.

"treading into the ground" by, again, what, exactly? Asking someone for the truth isn't a hardship.

You need to stop projecting. You've made an entire thread about yourself (again).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm.

I've been reading DCUM for more than 15 years, OP.

To be credible, thread creators describe their lived experience with factual details and examples, *avoid inserting brutally negative value judgments*, and then they have a chance of being believed and being treated like human beings.

You have no details.
You casually insult the people you have not described and group them as losers.
You clearly position yourself as a superior arbiter of what's allowed and what's not.
And you expect us to take your side.

Well, sorry, but you're not convincing. Seems to me you're the loser here, for intolerable arrogance.

Cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm.

I've been reading DCUM for more than 15 years, OP.

To be credible, thread creators describe their lived experience with factual details and examples, *avoid inserting brutally negative value judgments*, and then they have a chance of being believed and being treated like human beings.

You have no details.
You casually insult the people you have not described and group them as losers.
You clearly position yourself as a superior arbiter of what's allowed and what's not.
And you expect us to take your side.

Well, sorry, but you're not convincing. Seems to me you're the loser here, for intolerable arrogance.

Lot of hit dogs hollerin' on this thread that isn't even about them. Guilty minds see themselves in the stories of strangers. Probably explains all the defensive reactions on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a terrible human being.

People are born with different capabilities. Not everyone can do everything, and some people can do more than others. People value different things in life and different talents in others.

I object strongly to the shaming language you use, like "take the L". You are actually saying that these people could actually do better, but they're lazy and don't want to. When actually, they cannot.

"I guess I'm not good enough" is a response to overwhelming criticism from you. The thing you apparently call "guidance". It sounds like you are bullying these people and when they run out of ways to explain to you that they cannot measure up to your expectations, the conclusion is clear: to you, they will never be good enough.

So instead of trying to control what you cannot change, accept other people's limitations, and if you have that rapport, try to work within them. Don't automatically thing they're lying to you or themselves. You can choose to walk away or continue treating them with the basic human decency they all deserve.

What if it's your child? A child with special needs CAN be taught to stretch to their potential, within the scope of their brain wiring. It requires very delicate parenting and lots of specialists to know how much to push, when and in which direction.

But don't pretend to care by writing a post on DCUM that is actually full of contempt for people who are not like you.

Lying isn't a limitation, it's choice. If you're trying to get me to feel sympathy for all the poor, "special needs" liars out there, it's not gonna happen. Don't "bully" the poor liars by, what? Asking them, repeatedly, to just tell the truth about what they want? There's not even a wrong answer there; you want what you want. Just be honest about it instead of saying you want to change and then doing exactly dick all toward changing anything.

You're making this about something it's not. Stop projecting.

I said they were NOT lying. Apparently you can't even read.

Oh good grief. OP is talking about friends and partners, adults, and here comes you, derailing with some nonsense about special needs kids and getting defensive about the 'nastiness' on the thread without any awareness of the fact that most of it is coming from YOU.

Triggered, much? Sorry you got called out and then did the very thing OP seems to be calling out. DARVO and make it all about how you're a victim somehow. Typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the relationship can't go anywhere, including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?

I honestly have no idea what you are prattling on about. This sounds like a you thing - you are the common denominator. It’s not a “phenomenon.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the relationship can't go anywhere, including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?

I guess if you are talking about interpersonal behavior like always being late for planned activities, where the behavior directly affects you, then I get where you’re coming from. But if it’s not interpersonal, and it’s something like a tendency to take off and put back on the same 15 pounds, then I think you might be veering too judgmental. For instance, I cannot for the life of me stay awake at an after-dinner movie — is that weaponized incompetence?

[Anonymous]

I have a few people like this in my family. It’s a sign of mental health decay and manipulation imo. I’m not willing to enable, so I’m “bad” or “wrong”. See it a lot with people who have no sense of right and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I liked your post
Your point of view is worth considering
People's propensity for drama varies and we are all entitled to a preference - to choose with whom we spend our energy and time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the relationship can't go anywhere, including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?

I guess if you are talking about interpersonal behavior like always being late for planned activities, where the behavior directly affects you, then I get where you’re coming from. But if it’s not interpersonal, and it’s something like a tendency to take off and put back on the same 15 pounds, then I think you might be veering too judgmental. For instance, I cannot for the life of me stay awake at an after-dinner movie — is that weaponized incompetence?

Yeah, the magnitude of the offense would matter. Upthread, there's talk of lying, which is a lot more severe than dozing off during a post-food film.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the relationship can't go anywhere, including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?

I honestly have no idea what you are prattling on about. This sounds like a you thing - you are the common denominator. It’s not a “phenomenon.”

Funny how multiple other posters seemed to figure this out... Your comment sounds like the sort of gaslighting a manipulator would use to duck responsibility. Maybe you got it loud and clear and didn't want to accept that it's a thing you do, so you posted this dreck?

[Anonymous]

I did not understand the point of Op's post.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you’re talking about, OP. I had an ex I adored, and he would flip flop within the same conversation from declarations of love, to telling me he can never be good enough for me so I should move on. He’d tell me to date other men because I deserved better, and when I did, wallow because “see! I knew you didn’t actually like me!”

Why they do it doesn’t matter. It could be any number of things.

More importantly, is why do you try to win over these people. I realized I didn’t actually like *him*, I liked the idea and the drama of fixing a broken man and having him love me forever. Which is crazy, that’s not how good relationships are built. The correct answer is when someone wallows how they aren’t good enough - “ok, thanks for letting me know. Best of luck to you!” And move on.