Reply to Leaving people to wallow

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the relationship can't go anywhere, including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?[/quote]

I guess if you are talking about interpersonal behavior like always being late for planned activities, where the behavior directly affects you, then I get where you’re coming from.  But if it’s not interpersonal, and it’s something like a tendency to take off and put back on the same 15 pounds, then I think you might be veering too judgmental.  For instance, I cannot for the life of me stay awake at an after-dinner movie — is that weaponized incompetence?[/quote]

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