Cutting off our millennial son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them that you are unwell and won't be able to be available. Then just line up some doctor's appointments - cardiologist, GP etc to try and cure yourself and also be busy.

+1 This is the answer. Do not make a big scene. Make some doctor's appointments (and plan some other activities). Apologize, and say that you are so, so sorry, but you will not be be to watch your granddaughter for the week because you are having some severe health issues. Then let all of their calls go to voicemail for another week. After that, listen to the voicemails and make some decisions about what you want to do in the future. Perhaps you could invite the girls to spend a weekend at your house every other month or so.

I agree. Do this as soon as possible so they can take off work. Honestly. My 19 old is coming home to have her tonsils out in a few weeks and my husband and I will take off work and/or work from home to support him during his recovery. This is a parent’s job. You shouldn’t feel the least bit guilty. And you need a car to pick up prescriptions, go to the ER if there is a complication (bleeding that can’t be controlled at home happens more than rarely).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you’ve posted this before and the advice will be the same. Get therapy and look into medication to manage your anxiety.

1. How to get out of agreeing to watch the grandchildren. Tell them as soon as possible. Make up a lie about cardiac procedures. They may be angry and frustrated as they will need to find childcare while the kid is recovering but if you give enough notice that’s their problem. If you are giving no notice..ie it’s next week, then I would consider staying in a hotel, watching the kids, shopping and feeding only the kids, picking up only with the kids and having a firm rule that if anyone raises their voice at you, you walk away and leave. This also means that you do not raise your voice, throw fits and tantrums either.

2. Let go of your resentment that they don’t host you or host you as you expect, Get over that they don’t make you meals that you expect. Get over that they don’t invite you when you want to be invited or how frequently. Accept that you don’t have the relationship you envision or feel entitled for them to provide, it isn’t happening unless a lot changes occur and may never change.

3. Realize that you are trying to set up a quid pro quo of offering childcare and all these household tasks in exchange for being hosted or having a relationship that is different. This seldom works. Adults need to build relationships out of choice not obligation, trickery, or exchange.

4.Realize that it’s often difficult for others to be around high anxiety people. Your post alone is dripping with overly dramatic, frantic and anxiety laced statements. You need to treat your anxiety as a first step.

Oh, is this a repeat trollish poster?

[Anonymous]

Does your son have a wife? If so, she might not actually appreciate you invading the household routing by cleaning and doing laundry. That can be perceived as invasive. I know people who have complained about MILs doing that.

Tell them your heart condition is acting up and you can only watch the girls X numbers of hours a day and won't be able to cook, clean. Then go to the hotel during those other hours. Or cancel entirely. Or give them the choice of the scenario I present vs cancelling entirely

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to someone with a cool head in real life.

[Anonymous]

Although you are helping them out, he still views it as he is "stuck" with you and will end up taking care of you; he doesn't want to. Are you living with them? How old are your grandchildren? If they are at the age they will remember you well, leave it at that and move on your own. Is your daughter-in-law a jerk and doesn't appreciate you? I blame her too, as a woman she should know better.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have the capacity to read and understand without making assumptions? To those among us who were gifted with a good education remember, read to comprehend. Did you learn about cognitive distortions? Can you identify a cognitive distortion when you think it?

[Anonymous]

Don’t clean. Don’t buy groceries. You’re there to help watch the recouperating granddaughter. You’re not a maid or hired help. You’re older and you have health problems of your own.

Please set up your will so that anything you leave behind goes into an irrevocable trust for the girls to use for college and afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Adult children tend to take aging parents for granted and behave as they would never dare to behave with another person who is volunteering to help them.

[Anonymous]

If you agreed to babysit one of the kids when they can’t go to daycare, then you should do that. Not doing it would really put them in a bind and probably cause a bigger rift.

That being said, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need while you are there. There is no reason you should be cleaning and doing laundry and getting their groceries. If there is something that you need, then ask them to provide it. You are doing them a favor.

I don’t know what you did that was annoying, but take Mel Robbin’s advice and “let them.” If they want to be annoyed at some perceived slight, let them. That’s their burden to carry.

[Anonymous]

I think I’m a pretty good daughter and DIL, but if my mom or MIL bailed on planned childcare because I didn’t say “goodbye” correctly the last time she came to visit, I would be pissed.

Not everyone can take off work easily at the last minute. DH and I would both have to find people to cover. This time of year, it would probably mean asking someone to cancel their vacation. The alternative of hiring a stranger to watch your sick child is awful. Even if they are professional and well-paid.

I don’t know the whole situation, but this would be really hard for me to come back from, OP. I think you need to suck it up and go. Next time, tell them you can’t do it from the beginning, so they can make alternate arrangements.

[Anonymous]

If you are local, offer a day or two and that's it. If you aren't local, get a hotel room, and go over for 2 days max and that's it. Don't clean, don't cook and just take care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

I think OP posted a thread in March titled Its me, not them. Same characteristic dramatic quality of passive aggressive martyrdom type writing or person desperately seeking a relationship that doesn’t meet their desires.

1. Get therapy stat. You can only change yourself not others.
2. Your reason for living does not depend on access to your grandchildren.
3. You raised your son. He’s independent that’s the goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you’ve posted this before and the advice will be the same. Get therapy and look into medication to manage your anxiety.

1. How to get out of agreeing to watch the grandchildren. Tell them as soon as possible. Make up a lie about cardiac procedures. They may be angry and frustrated as they will need to find childcare while the kid is recovering but if you give enough notice that’s their problem. If you are giving no notice..ie it’s next week, then I would consider staying in a hotel, watching the kids, shopping and feeding only the kids, picking up only with the kids and having a firm rule that if anyone raises their voice at you, you walk away and leave. This also means that you do not raise your voice, throw fits and tantrums either.

2. Let go of your resentment that they don’t host you or host you as you expect, Get over that they don’t make you meals that you expect. Get over that they don’t invite you when you want to be invited or how frequently. Accept that you don’t have the relationship you envision or feel entitled for them to provide, it isn’t happening unless a lot changes occur and may never change.

3. Realize that you are trying to set up a quid pro quo of offering childcare and all these household tasks in exchange for being hosted or having a relationship that is different. This seldom works. Adults need to build relationships out of choice not obligation, trickery, or exchange.

4.Realize that it’s often difficult for others to be around high anxiety people. Your post alone is dripping with overly dramatic, frantic and anxiety laced statements. You need to treat your anxiety as a first step.

Oh, is this a repeat trollish poster?

Seems like it.

[Anonymous]

OP Let go and put your foot down -- like all the way.

Your son and his wife are adults. Let them raise their own kids and figure their life as adults with kids out -- minus you.

You're sickly. You can't assist at full steam on top of poor treatment by your son.

[Anonymous]

Do they WANT you to cook, clean, do shopping and straighten up? If you're doing those things and they aren't asking you to, you can't hold it against them that they aren't tripping over themselves to appreciate you. I love my mom, but she struggles with boundaries. She was staying at our house over the holidays and I walked in on her completely re-arranging DS' toy room without being asked, and then was offended that I was more annoyed than grateful.

I suspect there is some of that going on in your situation. Maybe spend some time reflecting on how your own behavior is contributing to this situation and you and your son will be able to repair things.

For us, my mom is more than welcome to watch DS. They have a great relationship. We just bring him to her because I don't want her in my house when we aren't there.