Cutting off our millennial son
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Our son is rude, nasty and verbally abusive to us. I have significant health issues and his behavior adversely affects my mental and physical health. I have had 2 open heart surgeries in my 60s and now my heart is failing. He has no interest nor does he care. He doesn’t understand why I’m not as active as I was.
Why is this a problem? I told them I would help them with their 2 girls because one of them is having her tonsils out and can’t go to daycare for a week. The last time I was at their house I left and my son just kicked me out. He wouldn’t say goodbye. I am begging them to tell me what I’m doing “wrong” but I get no response. I clean, buy their groceries, watch the kids, do laundry, straighten up and I’m exhausted. They eat all processed goods and I can’t function on that. I keep an upbeat attitude but I’m clearly annoying them. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m a mess. I am not sleeping and my anxiety and heart arrhythmias are through the roof. I planned on getting a hotel room and renting a car even though they have the ability to provide that. Today I realized there is no way I can expose myself to this abuse. I adore, ADORE my granddaughters and they adore me. Please don’t bring on the hate. I need to get out of this commitment I made. I realize they can cut off my ability to see my granddaughters and they are capable of that level of cruelty. I’ve already been told I might not have many years left and I’m in a position where being around my kids will kill me. Not being able to see my granddaughters will destroy me. How do I get out of this and do the least amount of damage? |
Anonymous
|
Stop being a doormat. Cut all contact with them. And then sell every thing and move into an assisted living facility.
Sometimes, your biggest enemy gets born in your house as your offspring and they will make your life a living hell. |
Anonymous
| Just tell them that you are unwell and won't be able to be available. Then just line up some doctor's appointments - cardiologist, GP etc to try and cure yourself and also be busy. |
Anonymous
| Get a wise person he respects to talk to him about this issue. Apologize if its your mistake. Forgive if its his. If that doesn't help, move on. Live independently and pray he raises his children better than you raised him. Family relations are important but self respect and boundaries are equally important. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry op. That's hard. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like he cut YOU off. Not that you're cutting HIM off. |
Anonymous
| There are some missing pieces here. You stated you are helping with childcare for a week. Why are you doing laundry, buying groceries and cleaning? What exactly is your son saying to you? Lastly, if you are too ill, tell them you have to leave. |
Anonymous
|
Why are you in their business? If they need so much help, they will bring the kids to you.
Don't tell me the sad story about not being able to see your grandkids. I wasn't able to see my own kid as his other parent turned toxic - some undiagnosed SN got worse as they aged. I removed myself and got better while the other parent got worse. I got my kid back as they couldn't do it without me much longer. Try to see a few steps ahead. It's easier if you are well. |
Anonymous
+1 This is the answer. Do not make a big scene. Make some doctor's appointments (and plan some other activities). Apologize, and say that you are so, so sorry, but you will not be be to watch your granddaughter for the week because you are having some severe health issues. Then let all of their calls go to voicemail for another week. After that, listen to the voicemails and make some decisions about what you want to do in the future. Perhaps you could invite the girls to spend a weekend at your house every other month or so. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
|
This is overly dramatized. I really think you would benefit from talking this out with someone else.
Why do you need to get a hotel and rent a car? There is more to life than kids and grandkids. You need to find a purpose outside of them. |
Anonymous
| Just stop showing up. |
Anonymous
|
OP you’ve posted this before and the advice will be the same. Get therapy and look into medication to manage your anxiety.
1. How to get out of agreeing to watch the grandchildren. Tell them as soon as possible. Make up a lie about cardiac procedures. They may be angry and frustrated as they will need to find childcare while the kid is recovering but if you give enough notice that’s their problem. If you are giving no notice..ie it’s next week, then I would consider staying in a hotel, watching the kids, shopping and feeding only the kids, picking up only with the kids and having a firm rule that if anyone raises their voice at you, you walk away and leave. This also means that you do not raise your voice, throw fits and tantrums either. 2. Let go of your resentment that they don’t host you or host you as you expect, Get over that they don’t make you meals that you expect. Get over that they don’t invite you when you want to be invited or how frequently. Accept that you don’t have the relationship you envision or feel entitled for them to provide, it isn’t happening unless a lot changes occur and may never change. 3. Realize that you are trying to set up a quid pro quo of offering childcare and all these household tasks in exchange for being hosted or having a relationship that is different. This seldom works. Adults need to build relationships out of choice not obligation, trickery, or exchange. 4.Realize that it’s often difficult for others to be around high anxiety people. Your post alone is dripping with overly dramatic, frantic and anxiety laced statements. You need to treat your anxiety as a first step. |
Anonymous
| OK? How can we help? |
Anonymous
|
I don't understand. Why can't the child come to your house? Why would a child need much with their tonsils out? Can't you just watch movies and pick up ice cream? Seems like you could just finish this obligation somehow and then not agree to another one.
Are you late? Do you agree to things and back out? That would annoy me. Like you are doing now. Just don't make new agreements. |