Advice for being in the passenger seat of DH and FIL dysfunction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
Let your husband and his father figure out their relationship.

Right, but then what should OP do in response to spouse continuing to ask her what he should do, ie “Should I text him?” I think she’s looking for how to respond.

“This can only be your decision.”

[Anonymous]

“This has to be your decision. From my perspective, you are simply never, ever going to have the father you want and you would be in a much better place if you accepted this. However, that doesn’t seem to be your position. If you want to have someone to discuss this issue with, you probably need to get back into therapy. I love you and want you to be happy, but it isn’t healthy for me to get dragged into this topic over and over. Frankly, I don’t think it is particularly healthy for you either, but I know you are not there yet. Going forward, I’m going to have to change the subject when this topic comes up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

Jesus, so dysfunctional. So your spouse’s main role is to be attractive to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need advice because I hate being witness to this dysfunction.

DH and his father aren’t currently speaking. They’ve done this dance on and off for the entire 20 years I’ve been with DH. I honestly think FIL is a narcissist, and all of these estrangements are initiated by him. It looks something like this:

DH and FIL irritate each other and DH complains about how annoying his father is (no mom, btw, she passed in his 20s), how much of a burden it is, etc. But then when FIL initiates this no-contact, instead of enjoying the peace, he spends the entire time thinking about it, asking me things like, “Should I text him and ask him how long he thinks it’ll last this time?” or “I don’t want to hear him complaining if a whole summer goes by and we haven’t golfed together. I think I’m going to tell him that.”

I know it bothers him immensely, and I know his dad likely knows this too and probably derives pleasure from knowing the effect it’s having on him, like he “won”. Yes, DH has been is in therapy before over the whole thing, and it’s helped in the past to an extent, but I think he has some serious wounds from the whole thing and will forever be chasing a Real Dad.

I’m sure there is nothing I can do, but do you have any advice at all for me?

Been there. I just repeated the following in different ways: “I’m so sorry, you deserve better from your Dad.” He may have a lightbulb moment at some point (my DH did with his narc mother) but he prob won’t. What your DH needs more than anything is validation. Do you have kids? It really helped my DH when I observed that neither one of us ever cut off our kids, etc. I never demonized his mother, btw. But, I validated and I observed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does FIL “initiate no contact”?

He makes a grand proclamation that he is annoyed with DH and that he won’t be speaking to him for a while. I know it sounds biased, but I’m being honest when I say it’s never rational, never DH “fault”, just FIL not getting his way and pouting.

Has your DH read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"? Because he needs to. His father is emotionally abusing him.

[Anonymous]

My DH has been dealing with this with his mother his entire life. It’s gotten worse in recent years. The best advice I can give is to be supportive of your DH. What that looks like differs from person to person. For my DH, it means being “on his side.” I tell him when I think he’s off base but I don’t try to share a different perspective on the situation with him (ie, “maybe she meant X”). I also tell him I’ll support whatever decision he makes about how to handle a situation, what to do etc. I tell him I can’t provide much guidance because I’ve never been in that situation with my own mother, and he knows their relationship best, but I’ll support whatever decision he makes. Validating the dysfunction is also helpful. DH grew up being gaslit over how wonderful his mother is when behind the scenes, she’s done some awful things. I think he really appreciates a simple “I’m sorry you had to deal with that/that must’ve been really hard as a kid. You deserved to have a better mother.” Or “I can’t believe she just said that to you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

Jesus, so dysfunctional. So your spouse’s main role is to be attractive to you?

His main role is to be an adult. That requires not acting like a child. A byproduct is attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar situation with a sibling. They also play this "cut people off" game whenever they feel the slightest challenge or criticism of their behavior. They've done it since their teens, are now in their retirement years and are STILL doing it.

It doesn't change. Because that is who they are. Your DH needs to come to this realization. The father he wishes he had doesn't exist and never will. Subjecting himself to his father's abuse (and I do consider this abuse) isn't hurting anyone but himself.

FIL does this because he is getting his narcissistic supply from your DH - looking for DH to initiate contact and come crawling back to him. It's a pure power trip.

FIL will never apologize or even acknowledge his own role in this dysfunction.

If you look up "vindictive narcissist" you will find many behaviors that may hit home relative to your FIL.

The last time my sibling pulled this I called bluff. I did not go crawling back or initiate contact. I never will. It's been years now and I have ZERO regrets as her malignant behavior no longer affects me, my DH or my family anymore.

The fact is we all know there are nasty, evil people in the world. Sometimes they are your own family members. Doesn't mean you need to welcome evil into your lives.

The most important thing you can do is acknowledge his pain that his father causes him and let him know you have his back.

Eventually it may sink in to his deepest consciousness and he will let go when he needs to.

No offense but you sound a bit unhinged yourself. Evil. Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

Jesus, so dysfunctional. So your spouse’s main role is to be attractive to you?

His main role is to be an adult. That requires not acting like a child. A byproduct is attraction.

Fair.
OP's husband is an adult and in therapy. He should use those sessions to figure out a way to deal with his father/son issues & whatever else for that matter. That's the whole entire point of therapy no?

Not spinning wheels at therapy and still come home and press OP/Wife on what to do. Nagging your wife who isn't equipped nor a doctor is simply not fair.

I can also see where it could be a turn off and well unattractive. Not being harsh ..but I get it.