Advice for being in the passenger seat of DH and FIL dysfunction?

[Anonymous]

I need advice because I hate being witness to this dysfunction.

DH and his father aren’t currently speaking. They’ve done this dance on and off for the entire 20 years I’ve been with DH. I honestly think FIL is a narcissist, and all of these estrangements are initiated by him. It looks something like this:

DH and FIL irritate each other and DH complains about how annoying his father is (no mom, btw, she passed in his 20s), how much of a burden it is, etc. But then when FIL initiates this no-contact, instead of enjoying the peace, he spends the entire time thinking about it, asking me things like, “Should I text him and ask him how long he thinks it’ll last this time?” or “I don’t want to hear him complaining if a whole summer goes by and we haven’t golfed together. I think I’m going to tell him that.”

I know it bothers him immensely, and I know his dad likely knows this too and probably derives pleasure from knowing the effect it’s having on him, like he “won”. Yes, DH has been is in therapy before over the whole thing, and it’s helped in the past to an extent, but I think he has some serious wounds from the whole thing and will forever be chasing a Real Dad.

I’m sure there is nothing I can do, but do you have any advice at all for me?

[Anonymous]

How does FIL “initiate no contact”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does FIL “initiate no contact”?

He makes a grand proclamation that he is annoyed with DH and that he won’t be speaking to him for a while. I know it sounds biased, but I’m being honest when I say it’s never rational, never DH “fault”, just FIL not getting his way and pouting.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation with a sibling. They also play this "cut people off" game whenever they feel the slightest challenge or criticism of their behavior. They've done it since their teens, are now in their retirement years and are STILL doing it.

It doesn't change. Because that is who they are. Your DH needs to come to this realization. The father he wishes he had doesn't exist and never will. Subjecting himself to his father's abuse (and I do consider this abuse) isn't hurting anyone but himself.

FIL does this because he is getting his narcissistic supply from your DH - looking for DH to initiate contact and come crawling back to him. It's a pure power trip.

FIL will never apologize or even acknowledge his own role in this dysfunction.

If you look up "vindictive narcissist" you will find many behaviors that may hit home relative to your FIL.

The last time my sibling pulled this I called bluff. I did not go crawling back or initiate contact. I never will. It's been years now and I have ZERO regrets as her malignant behavior no longer affects me, my DH or my family anymore.

The fact is we all know there are nasty, evil people in the world. Sometimes they are your own family members. Doesn't mean you need to welcome evil into your lives.

The most important thing you can do is acknowledge his pain that his father causes him and let him know you have his back.

Eventually it may sink in to his deepest consciousness and he will let go when he needs to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar situation with a sibling. They also play this "cut people off" game whenever they feel the slightest challenge or criticism of their behavior. They've done it since their teens, are now in their retirement years and are STILL doing it.

It doesn't change. Because that is who they are. Your DH needs to come to this realization. The father he wishes he had doesn't exist and never will. Subjecting himself to his father's abuse (and I do consider this abuse) isn't hurting anyone but himself.

FIL does this because he is getting his narcissistic supply from your DH - looking for DH to initiate contact and come crawling back to him. It's a pure power trip.

FIL will never apologize or even acknowledge his own role in this dysfunction.

If you look up "vindictive narcissist" you will find many behaviors that may hit home relative to your FIL.

The last time my sibling pulled this I called bluff. I did not go crawling back or initiate contact. I never will. It's been years now and I have ZERO regrets as her malignant behavior no longer affects me, my DH or my family anymore.

The fact is we all know there are nasty, evil people in the world. Sometimes they are your own family members. Doesn't mean you need to welcome evil into your lives.

The most important thing you can do is acknowledge his pain that his father causes him and let him know you have his back.

Eventually it may sink in to his deepest consciousness and he will let go when he needs to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar situation with a sibling. They also play this "cut people off" game whenever they feel the slightest challenge or criticism of their behavior. They've done it since their teens, are now in their retirement years and are STILL doing it.

It doesn't change. Because that is who they are. Your DH needs to come to this realization. The father he wishes he had doesn't exist and never will. Subjecting himself to his father's abuse (and I do consider this abuse) isn't hurting anyone but himself.

FIL does this because he is getting his narcissistic supply from your DH - looking for DH to initiate contact and come crawling back to him. It's a pure power trip.

FIL will never apologize or even acknowledge his own role in this dysfunction.

If you look up "vindictive narcissist" you will find many behaviors that may hit home relative to your FIL.

The last time my sibling pulled this I called bluff. I did not go crawling back or initiate contact. I never will. It's been years now and I have ZERO regrets as her malignant behavior no longer affects me, my DH or my family anymore.

The fact is we all know there are nasty, evil people in the world. Sometimes they are your own family members. Doesn't mean you need to welcome evil into your lives.

The most important thing you can do is acknowledge his pain that his father causes him and let him know you have his back.

Eventually it may sink in to his deepest consciousness and he will let go when he needs to.

Thanks for your reply. I just looked it up and “narcissistic injury” sounds spot on. What you said about the slightest criticism or challenge, spot on. That’s exactly what he’s dealing with.

DH has some stories from his childhood where he admits that he couldn’t count on his father. I want to ask him, that 5yo, 10yo, 15yo boy knew his father couldn’t be counted on, so why is the 50yo man still holding out hope? He will NEVER change. I don’t know how to say this without being hurtful. His therapist has pointed it out in the past, but I don’t know if it’s my place to reiterate it.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.
Let your husband and his father figure out their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
Let your husband and his father figure out their relationship.

Disagree. I would be supportive of him, validate his hurt and just gently point out the things you point out. Definitely encourage him to keep processing things with his therapist.

[Anonymous]

I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

Your husband is one lucky fella!

Don’t quit your day job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

Yeah! That will show OP's husband who's boss. It will definitely not add to his trauma. Good plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
Let your husband and his father figure out their relationship.

Right, but then what should OP do in response to spouse continuing to ask her what he should do, ie “Should I text him?” I think she’s looking for how to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
Let your husband and his father figure out their relationship.

Right, but then what should OP do in response to spouse continuing to ask her what he should do, ie “Should I text him?” I think she’s looking for how to respond.

The husband is in counseling for this fractured father/son relationship correct?

" what did your therapist advise you to do?"
" I support whatever you choose to do"
"maybe follow up with your therapist on you wanting to text/visit your father at your next session"

[Anonymous]

I agree on the DHs need for a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it impossible to be attracted to a child, so your husband’s continued emotional availability for this treatment and the burning of your family time on his responses to it would be a turn-off.

I would tell him this.

Your husband is one lucky fella!

Don’t quit your day job.

My husband has been estranged from parents who are this sort of narcissist for about ten years. The difference in our quality of life is like night and day, and my gratitude towards him for it is immense.

He also got a lot of trauma treatment. Remaining engaged with narcissists is not a form of mitigating trauma.

She asked for advice—that is mine. Good luck to one and all.