Dd having a hard time at my parents’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

You try every single sample at a store?

I think people are missing that it's a spread at a store. Depending on the country no way am I trying some weird room temperature spread sample at a store. I hate goat cheese and won't eat foie gras. It's not rude to demur.

Op here and that’s the part that was bad to me: my dad cares more about offending someone at a store for 10 secs by saying no ty than about being rude to dd. He actually told the sales lady while pointing at dd “well SHE doesn’t want to try it so we are going to leave.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

You try every single sample at a store?

I think people are missing that it's a spread at a store. Depending on the country no way am I trying some weird room temperature spread sample at a store. I hate goat cheese and won't eat foie gras. It's not rude to demur.

We don’t know the country, much less the customs of the unknown country. While I agree that it should be acceptable to demur, there may be little courtesies that are expected to accompany the refusal. For example, there’s a big difference between, “Thank you for offering. I’m sure it’s wonderful, but I’m afraid I’m full right now” and “Eww, yuck! That looks gross.” I suspect DDs answer was significantly more neutral than either of the above responses, but it may have just not followed local custom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

Not at all. Everyone has a right of refusal. You do not make fun of or criticize someone's accent. You wouldn't like it if someone criticized you for those things.

Sounds like you're a very regressive, backward person. Drag yourself into the 21st century. Children deserve a sensitive approach just like adults.

I think it’s fine to not try something you don’t want to try and to not be a constant people pleaser. But that’s sort of back to the issue which is sexism. And yes, pointing out someone’s accent is very rude, it’s putting them down. I have an accent myself, work with people with accents and it would be completely rude to point it out.

We don’t know what country DD is in and the rules of civility there. So no, we don’t know whether it is polite or impolite based on that culture.

Saying “no, thank you” to something offered that you do not want is not impolite. Scrunching up your face and saying “ewww gross, no” is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

You try every single sample at a store?

I think people are missing that it's a spread at a store. Depending on the country no way am I trying some weird room temperature spread sample at a store. I hate goat cheese and won't eat foie gras. It's not rude to demur.

We don’t know the country, much less the customs of the unknown country. While I agree that it should be acceptable to demur, there may be little courtesies that are expected to accompany the refusal. For example, there’s a big difference between, “Thank you for offering. I’m sure it’s wonderful, but I’m afraid I’m full right now” and “Eww, yuck! That looks gross.” I suspect DDs answer was significantly more neutral than either of the above responses, but it may have just not followed local custom.

Dd would never say it looked gross. She just said no thank you, that’s it, when the lady asked if she wanted to try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

Politely refusing to try something at a store is rude? Really? I guess I’m rude too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Your DD is not you. This is a summer experience for her while it was your childhood. Talk to her about it. She most likely will be dealing with this in a different way vs how you feel.

It’s like going to your IL’s house. Your spouse has issues from their childhood with their parents while you do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can talk to grandad but it probably won't do any good-- sounds like the "girls / women have to please everyone" is ingrained.

It would be best not to leave dd there alone without you.

+1

I can guess what area roughly

Yeah, you aren't ever going to change them.

Limit her time with them. Not that you are going to have to try hard. After this experience, she's probably never going to want to go back and will be so happy she lives here and not there.

[Anonymous]

Dear everyone in this thread who can’t read:

“Refusing to try a bite of something offered” is irrelevant if you actually read the post to which you responded. “Try a bite of a spread in a store” means people offering free samples. If you think politely declining a free sample of a random food that’s been sitting out in a grocery store for hours is “rude,” you’re either brainless or a lunatic.

Glad we could clear this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can talk to grandad but it probably won't do any good-- sounds like the "girls / women have to please everyone" is ingrained.

It would be best not to leave dd there alone without you.

+1

I can guess what area roughly

Yeah, you aren't ever going to change them.

Limit her time with them. Not that you are going to have to try hard. After this experience, she's probably never going to want to go back and will be so happy she lives here and not there.

Yes, I think you are right. And what some people kindly pointed out is true: she’s not me and she did grow up differently, so she does not have this internalized deep guilt over being seen as bad and selfish for any needs/opinions. She cares much less. I still don’t like her being in this situation though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

You try every single sample at a store?

I think people are missing that it's a spread at a store. Depending on the country no way am I trying some weird room temperature spread sample at a store. I hate goat cheese and won't eat foie gras. It's not rude to demur.

Op here and that’s the part that was bad to me: my dad cares more about offending someone at a store for 10 secs by saying no ty than about being rude to dd. He actually told the sales lady while pointing at dd “well SHE doesn’t want to try it so we are going to leave.”

Is this a small town? Are these people his friends or people he sees regularly? If so it could come off as rude- the foreign grandchild who doesn’t know local customs or manners in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can talk to grandad but it probably won't do any good-- sounds like the "girls / women have to please everyone" is ingrained.

It would be best not to leave dd there alone without you.

+1

I can guess what area roughly

Yeah, you aren't ever going to change them.

Limit her time with them. Not that you are going to have to try hard. After this experience, she's probably never going to want to go back and will be so happy she lives here and not there.

Yes, I think you are right. And what some people kindly pointed out is true: she’s not me and she did grow up differently, so she does not have this internalized deep guilt over being seen as bad and selfish for any needs/opinions. She cares much less. I still don’t like her being in this situation though.[/quote]

Good for you, OP

This means you have grown to understand your childhood and the forces that shaped you, but are breaking that pattern. Many people choose to keep perpetuating these roles and pass along generational guilt.

I think your DD will be fine. Maybe one day, this visit will help her to understand you better.

[Anonymous]

Was it no thanks with a side eye, or oh no thank you but it looks delicious and a smile? In only one instance could I imagine grandpa removing her from a store. So my guess is she’s acting rude even if she says no thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it no thanks with a side eye, or oh no thank you but it looks delicious and a smile? In only one instance could I imagine grandpa removing her from a store. So my guess is she’s acting rude even if she says no thank you.

Can't you read?

No one was removed from a store.

[Anonymous]

A women or girl never has to suck up to people, just to pacify someone's random definition of manners.

No means no. No thank you means no thank you. My daughter knows how to be polite but I would never force my child to please someone else (agree to eat something they don't want, force a hug, etc).

WITW is with all these posters suggesting that the daughter has to eat something she doesn't want to eat. GTFOH with that noise.

[Anonymous]

OP, that's a long time in someone else's house. You are making wrong decisions to leave your children -- anywhere

An over night or a couple nights only during a true emergency is what you ought to be doing.