You're "the rock" when they need you, and you're nothing when they don't

[Anonymous]

You say you “consider her my closest friend.” That is a heart-aching statement, but it’s never too late- join activities, volunteer and meet people so you can make new friends to know what a real friend is and can be. She doesn’t sound like a friend at all, but a family member doesn’t need to be a friend. Know them or even accept a family member for who they are, but seek out healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. My own mother has done this to me. A good friend who knows her saw her at a restaurant about 1 mile from my house. And then another time someone saw her at a Smithsonian.

I have confronted my mother who just tried to gaslight me and denies. I am just direct and to the point. But she hasn’t changed in the last 15 years I’ve caught her doing this.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a user. Come to terms w that and adjust how you deal w her if at all.

[Anonymous]

OP I could have written your post, but my mom and sisters do it to me. I am the fixer, the researcher, the payer, the rock. My sister is coming to town and hasn’t told me. I am now doing a slow fade. My mom has more self-awareness than my sisters, but I told her I won’t be the executor of her estate and it was like an anvil was lifted from my chest. I want nothing from them, need nothing from them, and am focusing on me and my family. I’m sorry. It sucks. I don’t bother saying anything either because I get angry tears and blame.

[Anonymous]

I’m pp and my one sister says the exact same to me all the time.

[Anonymous]

Lots of dysfunction here. Your sister parentified you. It's not abnormal to seek support from a parent as an adult and then to go back to normal functioning and not be in touch as often as long as you are appreciative and respectful because you don't have a friendship with your parent. Was your mom not able to give her support growing up? She is taking, but not giving.

Your mom is being dysfunctional butting into your relationship. It's not her place to ask why you two didn't see each other and then to go between the 2 of you.

This is not healthy closeness. This is enmeshment and codependency. Figure out some boundaries with your sister, but I would gently confront her about what your mom said. Don't accuse her of lying just let her know what came back to you.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds like a shit-stirrer. Sister probably didn't tell you because she had already made plans with a friend for this trip. I have a sister who rarely stops by when she and her husband are in town but lately has been seeing me when traveling solo on the return leg of her trip. I'd never call her my best friend but beloved sister fits.

[Anonymous]

You've been trained to be her doggie. Example: "Heck, I would have dropped any plans in order to get some time with Sis."

I have the same sister, and she is probably personality disordered. At the least, she is very self-centered, always right, talks sh-t about me behind my back and can start screaming at the drop of a hat. If you try to talk to then, she will go into a circular conversation and derail the whole thing.

You might have low self-esteem due to her. I'd put yourself first in every situation and let the phone go to voice mail when she is having her latest drama. She can hire a therapist instead of using you for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written your post, but my mom and sisters do it to me. I am the fixer, the researcher, the payer, the rock. My sister is coming to town and hasn’t told me. I am now doing a slow fade. My mom has more self-awareness than my sisters, but I told her I won’t be the executor of her estate and it was like an anvil was lifted from my chest. I want nothing from them, need nothing from them, and am focusing on me and my family. I’m sorry. It sucks. I don’t bother saying anything either because I get angry tears and blame.

DP, here. But I want to say I am doing the same and feel so free!! I hope you can heal from this and that you take good care of yourself. You're right that there is not point to saying anything with these types of people. They gaslight and blame others for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written your post, but my mom and sisters do it to me. I am the fixer, the researcher, the payer, the rock. My sister is coming to town and hasn’t told me. I am now doing a slow fade. My mom has more self-awareness than my sisters, but I told her I won’t be the executor of her estate and it was like an anvil was lifted from my chest. I want nothing from them, need nothing from them, and am focusing on me and my family. I’m sorry. It sucks. I don’t bother saying anything either because I get angry tears and blame.

This is the way.