You're "the rock" when they need you, and you're nothing when they don't

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are two years apart and live 1,000 miles away. I love her dearly, but this dynamic we've had for a decade plus at this point is really wearing me down. Whenever she's going through a life stress -- job, relationship, kids -- I'm always here to listen and support and visit and help her, and in those moments she is always so appreciative. "Oh sis, you're my rock," "I couldn't do this without you," "you're the most important person in my life," etc. In those phases she's texting and calling all the time, and I visit whenever I can.

But the moment that her situation gets better, my phone calls and texts don't get returned, plans get canceled, and our relationship immediately becomes distant. Our mother recently let slip that sister had spent four days visiting a friend who lives in my same city. Sis had apparently told mom that I was "too busy" to meet up, which mom was sort of chewing me out about. I was aghast - Sis had never told me that she was visiting my city at all, and I certainly was never too busy to meet up with her. Heck, I would have dropped any plans in order to get some time with Sis.

I consider her my closest friend, but it's really bothering me that I'm only needed situationally, and now I'm being essentially lied about. Part of me wants to call her out on this, but at the same time, my long experience with her is that those kinds of conversations with her frequently cause more pain than they're worth.

[Anonymous]

What are the benefits of talking to her avout it? sounds line you already know it won’t lead to the result you want. Assuming she is her typical self, how would you respond?

If you’ve already had these conversations and know how they will go, maybe just go straight to your response. Do you continue on, knowing the relationship is one-sided? Or do you accept this as a flaw and manage your expectations accordingly? Some combination? Maybe you dial your response to her neediness way back? Or maybe you are getting something from this rescuer dynamic?

[Anonymous]

She was in your city for four days and didn’t call? Yeah, you can call her out on that one. All you have to say is that your feelings are hurt and that you would never have done that. That’s it. The less you say, the more impactful.

[Anonymous]

I would call my sister and let her know I feel hurt and sad. And my sister would probably apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are two years apart and live 1,000 miles away. I love her dearly, but this dynamic we've had for a decade plus at this point is really wearing me down. Whenever she's going through a life stress -- job, relationship, kids -- I'm always here to listen and support and visit and help her, and in those moments she is always so appreciative. "Oh sis, you're my rock," "I couldn't do this without you," "you're the most important person in my life," etc. In those phases she's texting and calling all the time, and I visit whenever I can.

But the moment that her situation gets better, my phone calls and texts don't get returned, plans get canceled, and our relationship immediately becomes distant. Our mother recently let slip that sister had spent four days visiting a friend who lives in my same city. Sis had apparently told mom that I was "too busy" to meet up, which mom was sort of chewing me out about. I was aghast - Sis had never told me that she was visiting my city at all, and I certainly was never too busy to meet up with her. Heck, I would have dropped any plans in order to get some time with Sis.

I consider her my closest friend, but it's really bothering me that I'm only needed situationally, and now I'm being essentially lied about. Part of me wants to call her out on this, but at the same time, my long experience with her is that those kinds of conversations with her frequently cause more pain than they're worth.

She won’t change. Up to you to work on your codependence. Coda may help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the benefits of talking to her avout it? sounds line you already know it won’t lead to the result you want. Assuming she is her typical self, how would you respond?

If you’ve already had these conversations and know how they will go, maybe just go straight to your response. Do you continue on, knowing the relationship is one-sided? Or do you accept this as a flaw and manage your expectations accordingly? Some combination? Maybe you dial your response to her neediness way back? Or maybe you are getting something from this rescuer dynamic?

All of this. I suspect this dynamic may be a carryover from childhood, what was the dynamic among parents and kids then?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry to hear this- you sound like an amazing sister.

I would address the visit situation for sure- tell her how hurt you were and ask why she didn’t tell you she was in your city. And go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was in your city for four days and didn’t call? Yeah, you can call her out on that one. All you have to say is that your feelings are hurt and that you would never have done that. That’s it. The less you say, the more impactful.

She won’t care.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/06/rescuing-resenting-and-regretting-a-codependent-pattern

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call my sister and let her know I feel hurt and sad. And my sister would probably apologize.

Call her out if only to say you don’t need to meet up with me but don’t lie to mom about things I don’t know about and didn’t say- while might be hurt didn’t tell you in town, would be furious told lies about you to parent. And if scared that will ruin your relationship…. What relationship? You don’t have one other than you being her willing dumping ground when her life is not going well- that is not healthy. Mourn the loss of what you hoped would be your relationship as adults and move on to reality of what it is and then decide if you are ok with a one-sided dumping ground relationship. Many wouldn’t be, but you could have your reasons why you would allow that in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was in your city for four days and didn’t call? Yeah, you can call her out on that one. All you have to say is that your feelings are hurt and that you would never have done that. That’s it. The less you say, the more impactful.

She won’t care.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/06/rescuing-resenting-and-regretting-a-codependent-pattern

OP- read the linked article!!!! Well written on codependency. Print it out and refer to often.

[Anonymous]

Are you the older or younger sister OP?

[Anonymous]

I would name the part of this that consists of her gossiping to your mother about you: “Mom
called and said you were in Larlatown for four days and that I was too busy to meet you. What was that about?” And see what she says.

The “that” she chooses to answer about will give you all you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would name the part of this that consists of her gossiping to your mother about you: “Mom
called and said you were in Larlatown for four days and that I was too busy to meet you. What was that about?” And see what she says.

The “that” she chooses to answer about will give you all you need to know.

And please report back as we’d like to know too. Suspect answer will be to complain about mom: “you know mom, I had to or she would have been on me” or “mom got it wrong, I never said that.”

[Anonymous]

You're probably not the only one she does this to. Mine cons our whole family (like, aunts and uncles) into childcare, rides, free meals and so on. She's just a user and everyone sees it. Plus as she ages it becomes less and less cute.

[Anonymous]

I’d want to know what other lies sister has been telling your parents about you