Maybe we’re not missing out

[Anonymous]

Not getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC= a kid training for a year and not making the team. Why is this not someone OP's friend should talk about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what her perspective might be:

"I called up a longtime friend to catch up on our lives and told her what was going on with me. I always get the feeling she thinks my problems are stupid and trivial. It makes me not want to confide in her or connect anymore. I appreciate her problems and want to listen but I always feel like she's judging me and talking shit about me on the internet".

If you don’t have the slightest understanding of why humble bragging about your NT kid might be hurtful to your friend with a kid with SN - then you are not really trying. Yes, it requires exercising some discretion and not just blabbering about how awful it is that your child might have no option other than the state flagship university (true story). I don’t have any issue being sensitive about this stuff and neither do my actual friends. For example several of my closest girlfriends don’t have kids but would have liked to. I don’t go on and on to them about how amazing motherhood and pregnancy are and how it’s the best thing I ever did.

We are hearing one side of the story here. OP sounds sensitive to the point of being unable to hear ANYTHING positive. "Our wins are more meaningful"?? Really? If a friend told me that I would drop the friendship.

Where do you see that OP would say that? I presume OP has a lot more tact. All she is saying is that as SN parents it often feels like everything we do is more consequential. I get that. Like I have a kid who has to be physically taught everything (picks up nothing on his own) so yeah, I do feel that the efforts I make on his ADLs are really consequential and yeah, bigger wins at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC= a kid training for a year and not making the team. Why is this not someone OP's friend should talk about?

It’s about perspective. It makes sense that child would be disappointed but when there are many other ways to enjoy sports, likely the same sport, then yes, it starts to feel out of touch and a product of poor values. Especially when my kid cannot even play any team sport. I can’t even say to this “DS was crying the other day about how he is always the worst at everything” due to his clinical dyspraxia. If I said that after my friend engages in extended dramatics about travel soccer, how is that going to come off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC= a kid training for a year and not making the team. Why is this not someone OP's friend should talk about?

It’s about perspective. It makes sense that child would be disappointed but when there are many other ways to enjoy sports, likely the same sport, then yes, it starts to feel out of touch and a product of poor values. Especially when my kid cannot even play any team sport. I can’t even say to this “DS was crying the other day about how he is always the worst at everything” due to his clinical dyspraxia. If I said that after my friend engages in extended dramatics about travel soccer, how is that going to come off?

Then you should probably drop the friendship because you can’t be a good friend when you can’t hear others’ disappointments (and successes) with out making it all about you. You will spend your time dissing that “friend” because they are not making their issues about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC= a kid training for a year and not making the team. Why is this not someone OP's friend should talk about?

It’s about perspective. It makes sense that child would be disappointed but when there are many other ways to enjoy sports, likely the same sport, then yes, it starts to feel out of touch and a product of poor values. Especially when my kid cannot even play any team sport. I can’t even say to this “DS was crying the other day about how he is always the worst at everything” due to his clinical dyspraxia. If I said that after my friend engages in extended dramatics about travel soccer, how is that going to come off?

Then you should probably drop the friendship because you can’t be a good friend when you can’t hear others’ disappointments (and successes) with out making it all about you. You will spend your time dissing that “friend” because they are not making their issues about you.

I’m not sure why your are dead set on denying that even good friend should have some sensitivity.

it’s one thing to say “Jr did not make travel soccer and is really sad - he friend so hard. We’re encouraging him to stay on the rec team though and he will be coaching the 5 year olds in the fall”

it’s quite another to go on and on about it, repeatedly, blow by blow, detailing the devastation and no doubt the unfair and annoying conduct by all involved.

But really it is the college search that brings this out in great detail. SN parents gird your loins if you have friends or relatives with similarly aged kids who are part of the hyper competitive DCUMish college admissions culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what her perspective might be:

"I called up a longtime friend to catch up on our lives and told her what was going on with me. I always get the feeling she thinks my problems are stupid and trivial. It makes me not want to confide in her or connect anymore. I appreciate her problems and want to listen but I always feel like she's judging me and talking shit about me on the internet".

If you don’t have the slightest understanding of why humble bragging about your NT kid might be hurtful to your friend with a kid with SN - then you are not really trying. Yes, it requires exercising some discretion and not just blabbering about how awful it is that your child might have no option other than the state flagship university (true story). I don’t have any issue being sensitive about this stuff and neither do my actual friends. For example several of my closest girlfriends don’t have kids but would have liked to. I don’t go on and on to them about how amazing motherhood and pregnancy are and how it’s the best thing I ever did.

We are hearing one side of the story here. OP sounds sensitive to the point of being unable to hear ANYTHING positive. "Our wins are more meaningful"?? Really? If a friend told me that I would drop the friendship.

Where do you see that OP would say that? I presume OP has a lot more tact. All she is saying is that as SN parents it often feels like everything we do is more consequential. I get that. Like I have a kid who has to be physically taught everything (picks up nothing on his own) so yeah, I do feel that the efforts I make on his ADLs are really consequential and yeah, bigger wins at the end of the day.

NP. Since my kids have other, apparently more trivial struggles, I guess I cannot relate and we cannot have a relationship. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what her perspective might be:

"I called up a longtime friend to catch up on our lives and told her what was going on with me. I always get the feeling she thinks my problems are stupid and trivial. It makes me not want to confide in her or connect anymore. I appreciate her problems and want to listen but I always feel like she's judging me and talking shit about me on the internet".

If you don’t have the slightest understanding of why humble bragging about your NT kid might be hurtful to your friend with a kid with SN - then you are not really trying. Yes, it requires exercising some discretion and not just blabbering about how awful it is that your child might have no option other than the state flagship university (true story). I don’t have any issue being sensitive about this stuff and neither do my actual friends. For example several of my closest girlfriends don’t have kids but would have liked to. I don’t go on and on to them about how amazing motherhood and pregnancy are and how it’s the best thing I ever did.

Humble bragging is obnoxious no matter who it's to. But everyone should be able to talk with a true friend about issues they are going through.

[Anonymous]

I have it all, OP, because I have one divergent kid and one typical kid, but the typical kid has lupus. I am deep in selective college admissions AND I get to discuss medical treatments for lupus! Not to mention how I needed to recenter my life for 18 years around my AuDHD kid, who is now safely in college…

What can I say? Life is NOT boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s taken me a long time to realize that every kid has their struggles. My second kid is probably like the one you are describing with your friend and we have had to work extra hard to give her attention because as you know, our other first born has been so so so time consuming. She was easy but now as a teen she sometimes explodes with anger at us and has a therapist. Living with a sibling who had/has a lot of needs has not been easy.

And for her, the stress of getting the right roommate at the specialty sports sleep away camp is real. Who am I to say it’s not? Same with the stress of the A vs her A- in honors or getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC.

It’s taken me a long time and my two very different kids to appreciate the struggles of other parents. I’ll never really understand what they are going through and they will never understand me. It’s not a competition and if I like them as people, I keep them in my life as long as they don’t judge me.

For your friend, I’d listen and probably just say things like “wow, that sounds stressful!” And then next time follow up with a question asking if Jane liked camp and got her roommate or whatever.

No, I’m sorry. Going on at length about an A- or not getting a spot in the “ultra competitive EC” is just bad values and I wouldn’t really want to be around that person regardless of whether I had a kid with SN or not. Even if the kid views these things as huge failures, a parent should not be reinforcing that.

Maybe I explained myself wrong. I’m not calling up people and complaining that DC2 didn’t get an A in AP basketweaving and the world is ending.

True friends will listen. My DC2 and the stress she feels when she trains for an entire year and doesn’t make the team is real. The heartbreak is real. I’d be a bad parent to say to suck it up, you can play rec, your sibling can’t play any sport.

My kid with SN gets a ton of our attention. It doesn’t mean our other kid doesn’t have real feelings. That’s all I’m saying. Friendships are a give and take too.

When people become too much, it’s okay to take a break and step back too.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s the difference between “my kid worked hard and is really disappointed that work didn’t pay off” and “ugh my kid is going to have to play on this terrible 2nd from the best team and it’s a huge disaster because that team is TERRIBLE and unworthy of my Larla!”

I have a 2e kid and some stuff comes really easily and some stuff is a huge struggle. It’s not the same stuff as a lot of peers. My

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my friends talk to me about their concerns about their teens drinking, partying, and having sex, I sympathize -- those are real and serious concerns. And I am glad that of all my concerns about my autistic teen, those are issues I don't worry about.

Yea. My son has no friends which keeps me up at night. But he's not engaging in risky behavior. He's not trying drugs or alcohol or speeding in cars or pressuring girlfriends for sex because he is doesn't have anyone to do these things with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s the difference between “my kid worked hard and is really disappointed that work didn’t pay off” and “ugh my kid is going to have to play on this terrible 2nd from the best team and it’s a huge disaster because that team is TERRIBLE and unworthy of my Larla!”

I have a 2e kid and some stuff comes really easily and some stuff is a huge struggle. It’s not the same stuff as a lot of peers. My

^^exactly. I had to sit through a relative creating extreme drama because they feared their DC would have to attend a state college (gasp!) of the type my DC would be lucky to get into. It’s also really common to get into racial grievance stuff around college admissions in this crowd, which, yuck.