Maybe we’re not missing out

[Anonymous]

Friend in another city calls to catch up. Spends 20 min info dumping humble brags about NT kids who are the same age as my SN child. Drama over too many extracurriculars, “the right” schools, other competitive parents, early teen drama over luxury goods and whether or parents followed through on mutual friend requests for sleep away camp bunks.

Love my friend but at that moment the glass shattered. It was all so trivial compared to SN parenting.

My life is hard as a SN parent. But our wins are bigger and more meaningful. Challenges are more critical such as getting the “right” care for a rare medical condition vs the “right” soccer team in elementary school.

I don’t have a martyr complex but NT parents sure make a big deal over petty things..

Anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

When my friends talk to me about their concerns about their teens drinking, partying, and having sex, I sympathize -- those are real and serious concerns. And I am glad that of all my concerns about my autistic teen, those are issues I don't worry about.

[Anonymous]

This is why people have a hard time not ghosting people with major SN kids or health problems.

I’m not saying people should ghost. But this woman wasn’t even talking to you! She was talking to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people have a hard time not ghosting people with major SN kids or health problems.

I’m not saying people should ghost. But this woman wasn’t even talking to you! She was talking to

The OP was describing a conversation she had with her friend! I don't understand the bolded.

[Anonymous]

I get your point. I work at a school with very poor families. The problems of the kids I teach are very different than the problems that my own kids are going through.

That said, it’s not the misery Olympics, we don’t have to judge others on what constitutes “real” problems, because then we can really say that only people dealing with death and pain and hunger on the regular gets to complain—everyone else’s complaints aren’t really as bad in comparison. So compared to your problems, someone probably has it worse than you and would you like it if they told you that your problems aren’t that bad?

Let’s all just do our own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people have a hard time not ghosting people with major SN kids or health problems.

I’m not saying people should ghost. But this woman wasn’t even talking to you! She was talking to

I kind of agree here. I have two kids with special needs and one NT who has typical drama. (Not that my SN kids don’t have their share of drama but it’s different). I can’t really relate to people who think their problems and challenges are more worthy. I am glad when my friends talk to me about the things that matter to them and their parenting challenges. That’s what real friends do - they share in each other’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Let's see what her perspective might be:

"I called up a longtime friend to catch up on our lives and told her what was going on with me. I always get the feeling she thinks my problems are stupid and trivial. It makes me not want to confide in her or connect anymore. I appreciate her problems and want to listen but I always feel like she's judging me and talking shit about me on the internet".

[Anonymous]

It’s taken me a long time to realize that every kid has their struggles. My second kid is probably like the one you are describing with your friend and we have had to work extra hard to give her attention because as you know, our other first born has been so so so time consuming. She was easy but now as a teen she sometimes explodes with anger at us and has a therapist. Living with a sibling who had/has a lot of needs has not been easy.

And for her, the stress of getting the right roommate at the specialty sports sleep away camp is real. Who am I to say it’s not? Same with the stress of the A vs her A- in honors or getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC.

It’s taken me a long time and my two very different kids to appreciate the struggles of other parents. I’ll never really understand what they are going through and they will never understand me. It’s not a competition and if I like them as people, I keep them in my life as long as they don’t judge me.

For your friend, I’d listen and probably just say things like “wow, that sounds stressful!” And then next time follow up with a question asking if Jane liked camp and got her roommate or whatever.

[Anonymous]

yes. I had to listen to my sibs going on and on and ON about the horrible and unfair travails of getting their privileged NT kids into college. It was especially unpleasant when it would veer into the racialized/religious grievance territory on top of that. Meanwhile my ASD kid hanging on at his T1 school in large part due to the cohort of kind non-white teachers and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your point. I work at a school with very poor families. The problems of the kids I teach are very different than the problems that my own kids are going through.

That said, it’s not the misery Olympics, we don’t have to judge others on what constitutes “real” problems, because then we can really say that only people dealing with death and pain and hunger on the regular gets to complain—everyone else’s complaints aren’t really as bad in comparison. So compared to your problems, someone probably has it worse than you and would you like it if they told you that your problems aren’t that bad?

Let’s all just do our own thing.

I mean sure but not if you actually want to be someone’s friend or a supportive relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what her perspective might be:

"I called up a longtime friend to catch up on our lives and told her what was going on with me. I always get the feeling she thinks my problems are stupid and trivial. It makes me not want to confide in her or connect anymore. I appreciate her problems and want to listen but I always feel like she's judging me and talking shit about me on the internet".

If you don’t have the slightest understanding of why humble bragging about your NT kid might be hurtful to your friend with a kid with SN - then you are not really trying. Yes, it requires exercising some discretion and not just blabbering about how awful it is that your child might have no option other than the state flagship university (true story). I don’t have any issue being sensitive about this stuff and neither do my actual friends. For example several of my closest girlfriends don’t have kids but would have liked to. I don’t go on and on to them about how amazing motherhood and pregnancy are and how it’s the best thing I ever did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s taken me a long time to realize that every kid has their struggles. My second kid is probably like the one you are describing with your friend and we have had to work extra hard to give her attention because as you know, our other first born has been so so so time consuming. She was easy but now as a teen she sometimes explodes with anger at us and has a therapist. Living with a sibling who had/has a lot of needs has not been easy.

And for her, the stress of getting the right roommate at the specialty sports sleep away camp is real. Who am I to say it’s not? Same with the stress of the A vs her A- in honors or getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC.

It’s taken me a long time and my two very different kids to appreciate the struggles of other parents. I’ll never really understand what they are going through and they will never understand me. It’s not a competition and if I like them as people, I keep them in my life as long as they don’t judge me.

For your friend, I’d listen and probably just say things like “wow, that sounds stressful!” And then next time follow up with a question asking if Jane liked camp and got her roommate or whatever.

No, I’m sorry. Going on at length about an A- or not getting a spot in the “ultra competitive EC” is just bad values and I wouldn’t really want to be around that person regardless of whether I had a kid with SN or not. Even if the kid views these things as huge failures, a parent should not be reinforcing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what her perspective might be:

"I called up a longtime friend to catch up on our lives and told her what was going on with me. I always get the feeling she thinks my problems are stupid and trivial. It makes me not want to confide in her or connect anymore. I appreciate her problems and want to listen but I always feel like she's judging me and talking shit about me on the internet".

If you don’t have the slightest understanding of why humble bragging about your NT kid might be hurtful to your friend with a kid with SN - then you are not really trying. Yes, it requires exercising some discretion and not just blabbering about how awful it is that your child might have no option other than the state flagship university (true story). I don’t have any issue being sensitive about this stuff and neither do my actual friends. For example several of my closest girlfriends don’t have kids but would have liked to. I don’t go on and on to them about how amazing motherhood and pregnancy are and how it’s the best thing I ever did.

We are hearing one side of the story here. OP sounds sensitive to the point of being unable to hear ANYTHING positive. "Our wins are more meaningful"?? Really? If a friend told me that I would drop the friendship.

[Anonymous]

My kids are NT and your friend sounds super annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s taken me a long time to realize that every kid has their struggles. My second kid is probably like the one you are describing with your friend and we have had to work extra hard to give her attention because as you know, our other first born has been so so so time consuming. She was easy but now as a teen she sometimes explodes with anger at us and has a therapist. Living with a sibling who had/has a lot of needs has not been easy.

And for her, the stress of getting the right roommate at the specialty sports sleep away camp is real. Who am I to say it’s not? Same with the stress of the A vs her A- in honors or getting a spot in the ultra competitive EC.

It’s taken me a long time and my two very different kids to appreciate the struggles of other parents. I’ll never really understand what they are going through and they will never understand me. It’s not a competition and if I like them as people, I keep them in my life as long as they don’t judge me.

For your friend, I’d listen and probably just say things like “wow, that sounds stressful!” And then next time follow up with a question asking if Jane liked camp and got her roommate or whatever.

No, I’m sorry. Going on at length about an A- or not getting a spot in the “ultra competitive EC” is just bad values and I wouldn’t really want to be around that person regardless of whether I had a kid with SN or not. Even if the kid views these things as huge failures, a parent should not be reinforcing that.

Let me ask you a question then. What if these are legitimately the problems OP's friend is facing right now? Should she just not share what's going on in her life? That's a one sided friendship. Friends should be able to talk about what's going on in their lives without fear that they're being judged for having stupid problems.